Jokes

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Is it the day for duplicating jokes...? I'm sure this has been posted before!

And before, and before. Quite right Hellie.

George and Tony

George Bush & Tony Blair are sitting discussing World War 3 when Laura and Sheriee enter the room, What you boys talking about says Laura, Well says George, we are planning on the best way of starting World War 3.

Tony say's, George wants to kill 140,000 Muslims and 1 Dentist

Sheriee says why 1 Dentist?

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Tony reply's to George, see I told you nobody would ask about the Muslims.[attachment=24
945:attachment]

At the local Derby & Joan, an old man asks and old woman up for a dance.

She accepts and, after the first song is finished, compliments him on his dancing. The she suggests that they are now a bit old to be spending their time dancing, they could just leave together and go back to her place.

So the old man agrees and the leave.

When they get to her place, she reckons that they are a bit old for sitting around drinking coffee and chatting to get warmed-up, they cold really just go straight to the bedroom and get on with it.

Again, the old man agrees.

So off they go to the bedroom. While they are getting undressed, the old man asks if there's anything the old woman would particularly like.

She says her late husband wasn't much of a friend of anything other than missionary, she quite fancied trying french style, a bit of 69. So they get themselves positioned on the bed and get down to it.

When they are finished, and get their breath back, the old man turns to the old woman and says:

"Pity about all them people. Real shame that."

"What do you mean? What's the pity?" asks the old woman.

"Them all dying." says the old man.

"Which people?" asks the woman.

"All them on the Titanic." says the old man.

"But the Titanc sank in 1912, so what made you bring it up now?" says the woman.

"Well, there was a "Stop Press" about it sinking on that piece of paper stuck to your bum."

40 Mistakes the female population claim men make...

1) NOT KISSING FIRST.
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel
like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by
cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of
foreplay.

2) BLOWING/LICKING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a
difference between being erotic and licking like you're digging for gold in
there. Ouch, and GROSS.

3) NOT SHAVING.
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake
repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head
from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.

4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get
their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.

5) BITING HER NIPPLES.
Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're
trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive.
They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your
tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't.

6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb
like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the
whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.

7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.
A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and
West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've
ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown . So
start paying them some attention.

8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers
and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take
the damn things off.

9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.
Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.
Direct pressure is VERY unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along SIDE
of the clitoris.

11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK.
Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they
plummet back to square one VERY FAST. If you can tell she's not there, keep
going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist
with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not
a kid's toy.

13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.
Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the
material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.
Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe
that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than
you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in
principle, but if you're not careful, it can HURT- so don't get carried
away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of
her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she
likes it.

15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.
You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the
mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.

16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.
Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move
toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of
buttons.

17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.
A man in socks and underpants is a man at his worst. Lose the socks fist.

18) GOING TOO FAST.
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is
pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like an
assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with
clean, straight, regular thrusts.

19) GOING TOO HARD.***
If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the
pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few
seconds.

20) CUMMING TOO SOON.
Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her
eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

21) NOT CUMMING SOON ENOUGH.
It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark
of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a NUMB VAGINA. At
least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her
interest while you're playing Marathon Man.

*******22) ASKING IF SHE HAS CUM.
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you
really don't know, DONT ASK. It pisses us off, really.

23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.
Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down
there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her
clitoris.

24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.
Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will
lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three
steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her
mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.

25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.
Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it.
When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do
what's necessary.

26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.
Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie
there. And don't grab her head.

27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.
In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In
real life, it just means more laundry to do.

28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.***
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the
hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much
like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions.
If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk
is an excuse.

30) TAKING PICTURES.
When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "__to
show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.

31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.
Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey
on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy
props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.

32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.
There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.

33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.
If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian
gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner
with snapped hamstrings.

34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.
Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a
prostate. Women don't.

35) GIVING LOVE BITES.
It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck,
if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and
jaunty scarves for weeks on end.

36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.
Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big
turn-on.

37) TALKING DIRTY.
It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If
she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know

39) SQUASHING HER.
Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily,
she will turn blue.

40) THANKING HER.
Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup
kitchen.

and number 41... Don't tell her she's not as good as her sister, even if it does liven things up.

Reminds me of Rodeo Sex.

"Can I have some Irish Sausages please ?", asked Paddy

The Assistant looked at him and asked "Are you Irish?"

"If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask

me if I was Italian?

Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I

was German ?

Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me

if I was Jewish ?

Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if

I was Mexican ? Would ya, ay? Would Ya?"

The assistant says, "Well no".

"And if I asked you for some Bourbon Whiskey, would you

ask me if I was American?

What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't!"

So with self-indignation, the Irishman says, "Well, all

right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just

because I asked for Irish Sausages?"

The Assistant replies, "Because you're in F*cking Homebase."

A concerned husband goes to see the family doctor and says,
"I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time I say something, in fact, I often have to repeat things over and over again."
"Well," the doctor replies, "go home and tonight and stand about 15 feet from her and say something.
If she doesn't reply, move about five feet closer and say it again.
Keep doing this so we can get an idea about the severity of her deafness."

Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed.
He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen and as she is chopping some vegetables, he says, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
He gets no response.
He moves about five feet closer and asks again.
No reply. He moves five feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her,
about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

She replies,

"For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

An old woman goes to see the doctor and says, "I need some Viagra for my husband"
Doc says, "Well we have 25% strength for a slight erection, 50% for a good erection and 100% for a very good erection, which would tou like?"
She says, "25% please"
Doc says, "Are you sure?"
She says, "Yes, it's only to stop him p!ssing on his slippers"

[img]http://www.spankingclassics.com/discus/messages/109/6406.gif[/img]

I went to Opel Zoo in Frankfurt yesterday.
Only saw a dog.

It was a shitzu!

Competely unfunny!

It's November 1989 and Ronald Reagan and Michael Gorbaschev are chating together. Reagan says
"Isn't it, for us I mean, a great feeling to know that you've played a part in the political processes that lead to this day. To a new freedom across Europe, from Moscow to Manchester.
And Gorbaschev says:
"But so sad not to see how it'll all come out"
Says Ronnie,
"I hear the Germans have the technology, Cryogenics, whereby they can freeze a body to reawaken it at a later date."
So they agree to be frozen, and re-awoken at a date in the future.
I't's 2039 and Ronald Reagan stirs and as his sight clears he sees a woman clad in white standing next to his bed, and he asks,
"Where am I ?" and she replies
"You're in a hospital in Frankfurt am Main" and he asks;
"What year is it ?" and she tells him,
"It's 2039" and somewhat shaken he asks
"What's the dollar worth ?"
Sharp intake of breath " Don't get much for a dollar these days. 25 cents is about the best you'll get."
Regan is horrified but just then there's a stirring in the corner.
"Where am I ?" asks Michael Gorbaschev.
"You're in a hospital in Frankfurt am Main" says the nurse.
"And what year is it ?"
"It's 2039" says the nurse.
"And how's the Rouble doing ?" asks Gorbaschev.
Even sharper intake of breath. "There's isn't any Rouble any more. The currency's finished."
"What ?" says Gorbaschev. "No Rouble! Since when ?"
"Since we had all that trouble on the German-Chinese border."

Italy has funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is wider than its shaft. The study took 2 years and cost over 180,000.000,000 lira.. The results of the study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is wider was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the Italian study were incorrect. After three years of research and cost in excess of 250,000.000 francs they concluded that the head of a man's penis is wider than the shaft to provide the women with more pleasure during sex.

When the results of the French study were released, the English decided to conduct their own study. The English didn't really trust the Italian or French studies. So after nearly three weeks of intensive research and at a cost of approx. 36 quid, the English study came to the final conclusion that the reason the head on a man's penis is wider than its shaft is to prevent his hand from flying off and hitting him in the face.

The Request ...

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labour.
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

The Response ...

Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative. In fact, you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not enough, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely, The Management

A Somalian arrives in Leicester as a new immigrant to the United Kingdom.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr.Englishman for letting me in this country!"
But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am a Pakistani".
The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in
Britain!"
The person says "I no Blitish. I flom Hong Kong
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says
"Thank you for the wonderful Britain!"
That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Iran, I am not British!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously,
"Are you a British citizen?" She says, "No, I am from Romania!"
So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the British?"
The Romanian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says... "Probably at work."

A guy walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. The bartender poured him the drink and the guy drank it down in one gulp.

"Wow," said the bartender. "Something bad musta happened."

"I came home early today," answered the guy. "I went up to the bedroom, and there was my wife having s e x with my best friend."

The bartender poured the dude another triple shot. "This one's on the house." The guy gulped it down once again.

The bartender asked, "Did you say anything to your wife?"

The guy answered, "Yeah, I walked up to her and told her we were through. ‘Pack your bag's and get out!’ I told her."

"What about your friend?" asked the bartender.

"I looked him straight in the eye and said, ‘Bad dog!’"

There's this man taking a walk around the red light district and he passes a whorehouse with a blinking sign saying: "The Hooker With Three Breasts...". The man get's just a little interested and thinks: "Well... that could be a once-in-a-lifetime experience." So he goes in and walks up to the man behind the counter. "I'd like to see the hooker with the three breasts," he says.

"Are you sure you can afford that... It'll cost you a thousand dollars," the pimp replies. But, the man is too exited, pulls his wallet and pays him the money. So, he's taken up three stairs to a little room in the back of the house and when he opens the room... there she is. The room is dark, but as he comes closer he sees it... three breasts! And so the man absolutely has the night of his life.

The next day the man walks past that same whorehouse and thinking of the night before and the time he had, he goes in and pays the pimp another thousand dollars. Again, he goes up three stairs to that little dark room in the back of the house. And as the day before, she lies there waiting.

But, as he walks up to the hooker, he sees that something is wrong... "Hey! You had three breasts yesterday," he says after which she smiles and says, "What did you expect honey... you can only suck out a boil like that once!"

A man was walking through the red light district, when he saw a sign advertising the very latest thing: A fully automated brothel.

This got him curious, so he decides to give it a try and goes in...

Once in the lobby, he discovers 3 doors labeled "short women", "medium women" and "tall women". Beside each door is slot to insert bank notes, with £10 illuminated. So he puts £10 in the slot beside "medium women", the door releases and he goes through.
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.
He now finds himself in another lobby, with another 3 doors labeled "thin women", "medium women" and "fat women". The bank note slots demand another £10, so he decides on "thin women", puts £10 in the slot and goes through...
.
.
.
To find himself in yet another lobby, with another 3 doors labeled "brunnette", "redhead" and "blonde", the bank note slots demand another £10, so he decides on "blonde", puts £10 in the slot and goes through...
.
.
.
To find himself in a 4th lobby, with another 3 doors labeled "small tits", "medium tits" and "big tits". The bank note slots demand £10, £20 and £30 so he decides on "big tits", puts £30 in the slot and goes through...
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To find himself in a 5th lobby, this time with 4 doors labeled "tight twat", "normal twat", "loose twat" and "biggest twat in the world". The bank note slots demand £10, £20, £30 and £50. His first preference would have been "tight twat", but he was very curious about the "biggest twat in the world", so he decided to splash out, seeing as he'd come this far, and puts £50 in slot and goes through the door...
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.
To find himself back out on the street.

A person of restricted growth with telepathic powers escaped from Wormwood Scrubs yesterday.
Headlines this morning:-
SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE

might be a joke but it was happening in soho years ago. only it was not automatic but there was a guy at each door and as you looked up to him he held his hand out

So did yopu end up back out on the street, Bully? That would be more intereswting to know

Bbully was the guy sticking his hand out at the last door !!

no happened to a mate of mine

yeah, yeah, that's what they all say

Well, Kenny the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk.

I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the Hen house and Kenny took off like a shot. WHAM!- Kenny nails every hen in the hen house- three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Kenny is in there.
Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese.

By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Kenny on his back, stone cold in the middle of the yard. vultures are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the vultures circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer".

good 'un

A bloke is showing two young American girls around London and they come to a Pelican crossing. He presses the button and the pedestrian signal goes 'bleep-bleep-bleep-bleep...' 'Whats that for?' asked one of the girls. 'Oh thats just to let the blind know that the lights have changed' said the bloke. 'My Gaad' she said, really shocked, 'in the States we don't even let them drive...'

A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same: "You can have mine."

Husband was admiring his naked body in the mirror and says to his wife,

'Look at that. 12 stone of pure dynamite.'

Wife replies: 'Fu@king shame about the two inch fuse!'

A young cowboy from Prescott, AZ. Walks into the White Cafe in Winslow, AZ. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately vomits the chili back into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too ..."

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat
by him, he whispered, eyes filling with tears. "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you comforted me. When my business failed, you supported us both. When I got shot, you nursed me back to health. When we lost the house, you endured living in a shabby rented flat. Now my health has started failing and you are still right by my side... You know what?"
What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're one mother f**king bad luck bitch, why don't you f*ck off."

There were two brothers.

One was very good and tried to always live right and be helpful.

His brother on the other hand was bad and did all the things that men should not do in life and didn't care who he hurt.

The bad brother died.

He was still missed by his brother since he loved him despite his ways.

Finally, years later, the good brother died and went to Heaven.

Everything was beautiful and wonderful there, and he was very happy.

One day he asked God where his brother was, as he hadn't seen him there.

God said that he was sorry but his brother lived a terrible life and went to Hell instead.

The good brother then asked God if there was any way for him to see his brother.

So God gave him the power of vision to see into Hell and there was his brother.

The bad brother was sitting on a bench with a keg of beer under one arm and a gorgeous blonde on the other.

Confused, the good brother said to God, "I am so happy that you let me into Heaven with you.

"It is so beautiful here and I love it.

"But I don't understand, if my brother was bad enough to go to Hell, why does he have the keg of beer and a gorgeous blonde?

"It hardly seems like a punishment".

God said unto him, "Things are not always as they seems, my son.

"The keg has a hole in it; the blonde does not."

Mick's wife was furiously humping away with her husband's best mate, Peter, when suddenly the phone rang. She hopped out of bed and returned to the sweaty sheet after a brief conversation.

"Who was it?" the back stabbing buddy asked.

"Oh, that was Mick," she replied calmly.

"Oh cr@p, I'd better be going then!" he said. "Did Mick say where he was?"

"Relax -- he's down at the pub playing a few games of pool with you."

Headlines from the year 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally . Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon). Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported

legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines

apart from this one, it all quite believable

Q: What do the Al-Kaida like to have for dessert ??

A: Terrormisu

Dessert vs. desert
One 's' or two? Dessert or desert? Here are a couple of clues to help you get it straight:

* Dessert is twice as good as the desert.
~submitted by JayGee
* Strawberry Shortcake = dessert
vs.
Sahara = desert

sorry far-lands, but its you that is normally a stickler for correctness!

dunno what you are going on about ...

Nice that little EDIT button!

What ?? where ?? Can you edit posts after they have been written ??
I didn't know that !! :$

But nice explanation there. Maybe it will help those guys that can't spell it properly.
Not that I need such help ...

Art of communication!

In a Bangkok temple
"IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A
MAN."

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR."

Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
"DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS"

In a Nairobi restaurant:
"CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER."

On Athi River highway: this is the main road to Mombasa, leaving
Nairobi.
"TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE."

On a poster at Kencom:
"ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP."

In a City restaurant in India:
"OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS."

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer in Karachi, Pakistan:
"! DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS."

In a cemetery in Beijing, China:
"PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN
GRAVES."

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
"GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS
IN BED"

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
"OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR."

In a Tokyo bar:
"SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS."

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
"THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE
CHAMBERMAID"

! Hotel, Japan:
"YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID."

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
"YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND
SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT
THURSDAY."

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
"IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE
OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT
UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE."

Hotel, Zurich:
"BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE
SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS
PURPOSE."

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
"WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?"

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
"GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE."

In a Swiss mountain inn:
"SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM."

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
"WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS."

A laundry in Rome:
"LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A
GOOD TIME."

A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there.

He asked her, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes? I'll explain WHY later".

The nun agreed to his request.

A short time later, two Military Police (MPs) came running along and asked if she had seen a soldier running down the road.

She replied. "He went that way.

After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, I can't thank you enough sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq.

The nun said she could fully understand his fear.

The soldier added, I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have the most beautiful pair of legs I've ever seen!

The nun replied, If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen the most beautiful pair of balls you've ever seen! I don't want to go to Iraq either.!!

[img]http://img416.imageshack.us/img416/4306/copyofbirdflu2ok.gif[/img]

[img]http://img340.imageshack.us/img340/461/hensip1mu.jpg[/img]

Ah, Tit Monday. It's not that far off now...

That glorious day when, heading into work on the bus, or walking to the tube, or sitting on the train, you find yourself suddenly chirpier than you have been in months. You find yourself smiling at strangers again. There is a mild involuntary tumescence in your trousers that comes and goes throughout the morning with the comforting regularity of a heartbeat.

And then you get a text around lunchtime from a mate which says: "At last, Tit Monday!" And you instantly understand why you are so happy. For Tit Monday is that special day in the year when, for the first time, the temperature rises above that magical point which causes girls getting dressed in the morning to decide to show a bit of skin.

After months of dull colours and chunky knit, the world's birds suddenly dive into last summer's wardrobe (they've not had chance to buy this season's stuff) and chuck it on without a thought. Your urban landscape is suddenly lightened with acres of naked arm and leg and, after many dark months of burrowing, breasts rising to the surface like moles at dusk.

Big breasts in white work shirts straining at the buttons. Small breasts braless in vest tops, the nipples frotted by ribby fabrics. Breasts in summer dresses bouncing in the distance so that they catch your eye before you even notice there is someone wearing them. Breasts nudging out from the crowd at traffic islands, quivering to cross the road...

And you know it is nearly summer. For previous generations, the arrival of spring was heralded by the sound of the first cuckoo. For us, it is Tit Monday.

Not that it always falls on a Monday. Like Easter, Tit Monday is a moveable feast. Last year it fell on a Friday. Friday 29 April, to be precise, when temperatures maxed out at 22.1C after nothing much above 16C all year. It last fell on a Monday in 2004, when temperatures leapt to 22C on 24 April.

And then, of course, there is Tit Monday Night. You see, in early summer, temperatures drop off very dramatically when night falls (Tit Friday 2005 dropped away to a parky 11.8C). But the dollies are not prepared. Slightly stunned by the morning heat, they drag out the summer clothes but forget to bring a cardie (a mistake they will not make again until next year), so that when they're all standing outside All Bar One after work celebrating the arrival of spring, their barely covered nipples have no protection from the cold. It's like a Bring-and-Buy sale where everyone has brought hat pegs. It's like a prog-rock gig where, instead of lighters, everyone is holding up nipples.

So when will Tit Monday fall this year? Will you be the first to text your mates with the announcement? Do not shoot your bolt too early. There will be false starts. You will smell fresh cut grass and see a couple of early starters and feel compelled to declare Tit Monday. But your more level-headed friends will tell you to hold your horses, keep your powder dry, don't fire until you see the whites of their bra straps.

As the poet said: one bold Northern slapper in a bikini doth not a summer make.

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00 they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Australian scientists, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of $74.95, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

Aussie: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong
to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of
themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch 4 channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and
basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they played them in.

Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English."
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English."
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate," and a heavy accent to everything they say

Aussies: Are extremely patriotic about their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

Brits: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their past citizens.
Americans: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their present citizens.
Canadians: Prattle on about how some of those great Americans were once Canadian.
Aussies: Wollow on about how some of their past citizens were once outlaw Pommies, but none of that matters after several beers.

Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it.
Brits: Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and are proud of it.
Americans: Don't have to do either, and couldn't care less.
Aussies: Don't understand what inclement weather means.

Aussies: Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious.
Canadians: Have produced many great comedians, like John Candy, Martin Short, Jim Carrey, Dan Akroyd, and all the rest at SCTV.
Americans: Think that these people are American!
Brits: Have produced many great comedians, but Americans ignore them because they don't understand subtle humor.

Easter is cancelled

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons.

"My son was born on St George's Day,"commented the English man. "So we obviously decided to call him George."

"That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew."

"That's incredible, what a coincidence, "said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake."

lucky frog"
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.

He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron"

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.

"Ribbit. 9 Iron."

He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"

The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks.

"Ribbit. 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom ! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."

So, they go to "Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"

The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, " What do you think I should bet?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black 6."

Now, this is a million to one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15 year old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

:doh: