Jokes

no way 45 minutes watching TV, having a beer, eating a pizza and having a bj at the same time

Watch you don't drip cheese on their heads, they don't seem to like that

Some of you may already know this site, but for those of you that don't this is some entertainment while waiting for the weekend:

http://fun.drno.de/pics/

A little old lady decided to join The Hell's Angels One day she goes up and knocks on the door.  A big, hairy,
bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers.  She boldly proclaims, "I want to join your club."
The guy is amused, and decides to humour her a bit, so he says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join.  The biker  asks; "Do you have a motorcycle?"  The little old lady replies, "Yep...  my bike's parked over there," and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.
The biker asks, "Do you drink?"  The little old lady replies "Yep,  like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table. The biker then asks, "Do you smoke?"  The little old lady replies, "Yep, I smoke like a chimney.  At least 4  packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."  The biker is very impressed and asks, "You sound like one bad Mama.  Tell me, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"  The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

Why did the good Lord give women thrush?

To teach them how to live with an irritating **** before they marry one!

Don't know if this is funny or just sick!

Oh god! And to think that really happens in real life - makes you puke, doesn't it?

This is the true story of Cinderella and her sugly isters.

Cinders and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Cinders worked
very hard frubbin scloors, weaning clindows, emptying poss pits, and
shivelling shut. Buttons worked with Cinders. He was gifted with knuge
hackers and a shairy hithole. At the end of each day both of them were
knucking fackered.

Her sugly isters were fight cucking runts. They did no wucking fork
and had no wucking forries. They were right bugly astards. They were
called Mairy Hinge and Betty Swollocks. They were always pucking
fissed.

One day the two sugly isters baught tickets to go to the ball. Cinders
was ducking fistgusted when they wouldn't let her go. The sugly isters
left Cinders all on her own while they bent to the wall and pot gissed
all night.

Suddenly there was such a bucking fang and the Gairy Fodmother
appeared. Her real name was Sherry Tighthouse. She was a right rucking
fesbian with a cairy hunt and tairy hits. She turned a pumpkin and six
white mice into a hucking cuge farrage with six dandy ronkeys with
buge hollocks. Cinders was amazed. "Miste all crucking fighty," she
said. The Gairy Fodmother said Cinders must be back by 12 o'clock or
there will be a crucking falamity.

At the ball Cinders was dancing with the pransome hince. The music was
being played by a band called Sid Siff and the Siffling Seven. They
were gucking food but too nucking foisy. It was the drucking fummer -
what a rucking facket! The cabaret was nucking fopeless. When he blew
his trucking fumpet he was bucking frilliant, but he was a big-headed
banky wastard and everyone wished he would stick his trumpet up his
ucking farsehole.

Suddenly the clock struck twelve. Cinders pucking fanicked and ran out
of the ballroom, tripping barse over ollocks and dropping a slass
glipper.

The next day the pransome hince came knocking on Cinders' door. The
sugly isters let him in and Betty Swollocks let off a fig bart. "Who's
fust jarted?" asked the pransome hince. "Blame that forrible hucker
over there," said Buttons. The shell of smit was tucking ferrible.

When the sticking brown cloud had lifted the pransome hince tried the
slass glipper on the sugly isters without success. They had horrible
featy sweet and featy swannies. Suddenly Mairy Hinge, in her tucking
femper, gave the prince a knick in the kackers! But this was not
difficult as he had bucking fuge balls and a hig bard-on.

He tried Cinders and the flipper sitted pucking ferfectly. "Well Fuck
my Slies!" exclaimed the pransome hince. "Suck your own," said
Buttons.

Soon Cinders and the pransome hince were married. Made his day in
lucking fuxury and she ended hers with a follen swanny. And they lived
happily ever after.

New Vibrator

heello, iss tthhatt thhee sshhoop
iii boouugghht thhee vviibbrrattorr ffrroomm. yes.

ccaann yyoouu tteell mmee hhooww ttoo ttuurrnn
tthhee ffuucckkiinngg tthhiinngg ooffff.

Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.
-----------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
-----------------------------------------------------
Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the
ducks.
------------------------------------------------------
Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
-----------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe?
A. You can tune the lawn mower.
-----------------------------------------------------
Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions:
an in-tune bagpipe player, an out-of-tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?
A. The out-of-tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been
hallucinating.
-------------------------------------------------------
Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
A. Add vibrato.
-------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the definition of a gentleman?
A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.
-------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and dead
bagpiper in the road?
A. Skid marks in front of the snake.
------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead
country singer in the road?
A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.
------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the range of a bagpipe?
A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.
----------------------------------------------------
Q. Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?
A. They rarely strike the same spot twice.
-----------------------------------------------------
Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it.
-----------------------------------------------------
Q. What do you call ten bagpipes at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A good start.
------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. To get away from the sound.
------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the definition of "optimism"
A. A bagpiper with a beeper.
------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear the one about the bagpiper who parked his car with the
windows open, forgetting that he had left his bagpipes in the back
seat?

He rushed back as soon as he realised it, but it was too late - someone
had already put another set of bagpipes in the car!

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.

"What's the matter?" he was asked.

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right."

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor.

Two men walk into a pet shop in Dingle, Ireland. They head to the bird section, and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of Connor's Pass.

At Connor's Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says,"Dis looks like a grand place." He takes the birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor's Pass. He's been to the pet shop too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff, carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi, Paddy. Watch dis" Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blasts the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down, until he hits the bottom, and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends, when Sean O'Driscoll appears. He's also been to the pet shop, and is carrying a paper bag, out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean O'Driscoll then hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down, until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. . . .

Once more Paddy shakes his head in disbelief, "Fook dat, lads. Dese adventure sports are too dangerous for
me ... first dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, ... den Seamus and his parrotshooting, and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding.

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead saw her boyfriend buying flowers.

The redhead sighed and said, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

The blonde looked quizzically at her and said, "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"

The redhead said, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

A man enters the confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say 3 Hail Mary's."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks, "Who is "Fannie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.

“Very well," says the priest. "Go and say 10 Hail Mary's."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when, suddenly a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.

All the men's eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar.

Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in green sits with her legs slightly spread apart.

The priest turns to the altar boy and asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"

The altar boy, whose eyes are popping out of his head, replies:
"No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."

A man enters the confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say 3 Hail Mary's."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks, "Who is "Fannie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.

“Very well," says the priest. "Go and say 10 Hail Mary's."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when, suddenly a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.

All the men's eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar.

Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in green sits with her legs slightly spread apart.

The priest turns to the altar boy and asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"

The altar boy, whose eyes are popping out of his head, replies:
"No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."

Sorry didn´t mean to post that twice :$ One more and i´ll get me coat

A woman standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband "I look, horrible, fat and ugly can you please pay me a compliment?"

The husband replies..." Well your eyesight's f*cking spot on

Available from your local dodgey dealer

"This is what marriage is really all about "

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.

The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the
French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in
front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down
between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people
around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were
thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the
two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He
politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said
they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She
sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered

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"THE TEETH."

A brown-haired bloke, a red-haired bloke and a blond bloke are sitting in a pub. The brown-haired bloke says, "My wife is so dumb! She bought a ton of meat because it was on special offer at the supermarket and we haven't even got a fridge!"

The red-haired bloke laughs and says, "You think that's bad? My wife is miles more stupid than yours! She bought a stockplie of cheapo DVDs and we haven't even got a DVD player!"

The blond guy says, "Twaddle! My wife's more stupid than anyone's. She packed for us to go on holiday and stuffed a suitcase full of condoms...and she hasn't even got a dick!"

HUNTING DISPUTE

A lawyer went quail hunting in Texas.

He shot a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, “I shot a quail and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.�

The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.�

The indignant lawyer said, “I’m one of the best trial attorneys in California and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.�

The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the “Texas Three Kick Rule. Because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times….we’ll do this back and forth until someone gives up.�

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old farmer. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees.

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.

Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, old man…now it’s my turn.�

The old farmer smiled and said, “Naw, I give up. You can have the quail.�

Ode to the English Rugby Team

Ye come up here tae paradise , tae beat us at your game,
Aw’wind and piss and full o’ shit, Yer aw the bloody same.

Ye caw yersels World champions, the nations most elite,
But Scotland are the greatest noo, cos Yuv just been fuckin ‘beat.

A game that wis invented, fur English gentlemen,
No Highland Jocks wi tartan frocks, well bluddy think again.

A baw that’s shapit like an egg, it’s jist a stupit farse,
Bit A suppose it makes it easier, tae ram right up yer arse.

So git back home an lick yer wounds, yer a buch o stupit fools,
It’s time fur you tae cheat again, and change the fuckin ,rules.

Rugby,fitba, cricket tae, yer jist a shower o chancers,
Stick tae whit ye dae the best, you Morris fuckin dancers!!!

A young couple gets married early in life, and take all precautions to avoid having kids. On the way home one night the bloke tragically dies in a car accident. The wife wants him looking his best for his final day. The body is taken to her house so she can give him a final makeover.

Unable to cope she leaves this to her parents, and gives them 500 quid to get him the best clothes possible, , bit blusher etc etc, but while dressing him up, the guy for some ungodly reason gets a hard on, no matter what they do, it won’t go away, they spend all night trying to resolve it.

The next morning, there is screaming in the house , her grandmother comes running out of the front room where he was lying face up , “it’s a sign it’s a sign� she is shouting.

Everyone else in the house at that time run into the front room , and there is a tear slowing running down from his left eye. While everyone is praising god, and calling the newspapers, the wife leans over the coffin and shouts. “See, I told you it f…king hurts you bastard�.

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side.
"When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was
take off my trousers," he said.

"I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she did,
they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly
wear them, as they were too large."

"I told her:"

"Of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I
always will!"

Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.

Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the
wedding, he did the same thing - took off his trousers, gave them to
Jill and told her to put them on.

Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear
them.

"Exactly" replied Jack.

"I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't
want you to forget that".

Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack.
"Try these on" she said, so he tried them on but they were too small. "I
can't possibly get into your knickers" said Jack.
"Exactly" replied Jill. "And if you don't change your f**king attitude,
you never will."

Princess Diana and the Queen are being driven around the grounds of Balmoral, when the Land Rover is stopped by a robber. He tells the Queen to wind down her window and hand over all her money. ‘I’m the richest woman in the world,’ replies the Queen. ‘I have no need for money.’ So the robber turns to Diana and demands she hands over all her jewellery. ‘I’m the most beautiful woman in the world,’ replies Di. ‘I have no need for jewellery.’ The robber decides to cut his losses and so steals the Land Rover instead. When he’s gone, the Queen asks Diana where she hid all her jewellery. ‘Well,’ says Diana, ‘when I saw him approaching, I stuffed it all up my fanny. Why, what did you do with all the money you were carrying?’ ‘Same thing,’ says the Queen. ‘When I saw him approaching, I stuffed all the cash up my fanny.’ ‘It’s a pity Fergie wasn’t here,’ says Diana. ‘Otherwise we could have saved the Land Rover as well.’

One morning, a stud farm owner receives a visit from a midget wanting to buy a horse.
It soon becomes obvious that the dwarf has a bad speech impediment.
‘Can I view a female horth?’ he asks. Dutifully, the owner leads one out, and shows the midget the hoofs and legs.
‘That’th a thtrong looking beatht, for thure,’ says the gnomic breeder, nodding his head. ‘Can I thee her mouf?’
Confused as to how the tiny man will ride the animal, the farmer still picks up the midget by his braces and shows him the horse’s mouth.
‘Nith, healthy-looking horth,’ agrees the midget. ‘Now move me awownd to her eerth …’
Now getting annoyed, the owner lifts up the midget one more time to look at the ears. ‘Finally,’ says the Lilliputian, ‘can I see her twat?’
With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head into the horse's vagina. He pulls him out after a minute, and the tiny man stumbles around, dazed.
‘Perhapth I thould rephrathe that,’ says the midget, shaking his head. ‘Can I thee her wun awownd?’

After weeks of floating adrift in a tiny boat, two men are forlornly watching the sea for signs of a ship.
All of a sudden a huge hand emerges from the water near the boat.
It leans all the way over to the left, and then all the way over to the right. Then it happens again – moving all the way over to the left then back to the right, before slipping silently beneath the surface.
The men look at each other.
‘Christ,’ says one. ‘Did you see the size of that wave?’

[img]http://www.spankingclassics.com/discus/messages/109/6406.gif[/img] your joke

my joke

George Bush meets with the Queen of England and asks her, "Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?" "Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea, then replies, "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." She then pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?" Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?" The Queen smiles. "Answer me this please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "Well, your Majesty, that would be me." "Yes, Very good," says the Queen.

So Bush goes back home and asks Vice President Dick Cheney the same question. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," says Cheney, "let me get back to you on that one." Cheney goes to his Advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he winds up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Cheney shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!" Cheney smiles and thanks him.

Then Cheney goes back to speak with Bush. "Say, Chief, I did some research and now have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell." At this Bush rises, stomps over to Cheney and angrily shouts, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

One day a man has a terrible stomach complaint and goes along to his doctor to see what can be done about it.
The doctor tells him that he is very ill, but that he can cure his condition with a course of suppositories, inserted deep into his arse every six hours.
‘Right,’ says the doctor, ‘bend over and I’ll do the first one for you.’
The man bends down and the doctor sticks the suppository deep into his hole. He then gives the man his course and sends him home.
At home six hours later the man realizes that he can’t stick the suppository far enough up his arse on his own, and he asks his wife to help him insert the slippery bullet.
After explaining to her what to do the man bends over. His wife puts one hand on her husband’s shoulder to brace herself and thrusts the suppository really hard into his arse. To her horror, the man lets out a desperate, blood-curdling scream. ‘My God!’ she cries. ‘What’s the matter? Have I hurt you?’
‘No,’ replies the man. ‘But I’ve just realized that when the doctor did it he had both hands on my shoulders.’

Some people don't like winter

How does a woman hold her liquor?
.
.
.
By the ears!

Jack and Jill are playing hide and seek.

Jill says to jack..
"if you find me, you can lick my pussy and fuck me up the arse!"

If you cant, I'll be in the shed!

How do you get a fat girl into bed?

Piece of cake...

Two women met for the first time since graduating from university. One asked the other, "You were always so organised at school. Have you managed to live a well-planned life up to now?"

"Yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire, my second marriage to an actor, my third marriage to a preacher and now I'm married to an undertaker."

Her friend asked, "What does all that have to do with a well-planned life?"

She replied, "One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go."

14000 Americans were polled to find their opinions.

64% said yes.
34% said no.

What did the other 2% say?

I believe you might find the answer here.

And if you speak french, vous pouvez apparemment faire des choses étonnantes avec un hamster, un couteau, une paille, une bombe et un rétroprojecteur.

NB: the link above may be offensive to people with an overly developed attachment to small furry animals. :excl:

Out on the golf course with his wife, The husband says, "Twenty years ago I had a brief affair.
It meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me." His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you." They embraced and kissed.

On the seventeenth tee, the husband was Starting his back swing when the wife blurted out,
"I'm sorry darling, I've been so conscience- Stricken since you told me, but since we're being honest with each other, I have something to tell you also. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change operation,
I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me."

The husband, froze at the top of his Back swing, then threw a fit!
He slammed the driver into the ground, Kicked the ball into the woods, stormed Off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on Its side, broke the rest of his clubs One by one, then started on hers.

He screamed and ranted, "You liar! You cheat! You despicable deceiver! How could you?
I trusted you with all my heart and soul... ...

And all these years you've been playing off The ladies tees?!"

Beware of this new scam !!!

Here's how it works ...

2 pretty looking 18 yr old girls come up to you in the supermarket carpark whilst you are loading your shopping into the boot. The girls start to clean your windscreen. ( Their breasts nearly pop out whilst doing it ... )

When you want to thank them by giving them a tip, they refuse, but ask you to drive them to the next supermarket. If you accept, they both get into the back, where they start kissing. After a while one of the girls will climb into the front passenger seat and start to give you a blow job, whilst the other girl will nick your wallet !

Please be carefull !! My Wallet was nicked on Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Today it was even nicked twice !!

can we have a fine system for people who don't check if a joke has already been posted!

LOL:

Raffles.

Useful phrases for managers wanting to write/give crap performance evaluations.

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and
has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat
in a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all
together."

11. "A gross ignoramus--144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

13. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

14. "He's been working with glue too much."

15. "He would argue with a signpost."

16. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

17. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

18. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the
other one."

19. "A photographic memory, but with the lens cover glued on."

20. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

22. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

23. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out
looking for it."

24. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

25. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

26. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

27. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

28. "One neuron short of a synapse."

29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge. He only gargled."

30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."

31. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

Deep Questions :

1, Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

2, Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

3, Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

4, Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

5, Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?

6 Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

7, Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a gun at him?

8, Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

9, Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

10, What is the speed of darkness?

11 Are there specially reserved parking spaces for non-disabled people at The Special Olympics?

12, If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?

13, If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

14, If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

15, If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?

16, Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

17, If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?

18, Can you cry under water?

19, What level of importance must a person have, before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

20, If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

21, Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

22., How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on bigger suitcases?

23, Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up, like, every two hours?

24, If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

25, Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

26, Why do doctors, when they ask you to strip, leave the room or close the cubicle curtain while you change? ... they're still going to see you naked anyway.

In an attempt to look smart in court, Gary Glitter was advised to turn up wearing a skinny tie.

Unfortunately, she was attached to his c*ck

3 guys, 1 Irish, 1 English and 1 Scotch, are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.
The Irish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."
So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlKaZoom" the oceans were teaming with fish.
The Scottish guy was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Scotland, protecting her from the english, so that nothing will get in for all eternity.
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlkaZoom - POOF" there was a huge wall around Scotland. The Englishman asks: "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting Scotland so that nothing can get in or out."
The Englishman says, "Just, fill it up with water."

A Guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus on a stool and announces that this is a very talented octopus, which can play any musical instrument in the world.
Everyone laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he'll wager £50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can’t play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and puts it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Eric Clapton. The guitar man pays up his £50.
Another guy comes up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays like Miles Davis.
This guy pays his £50.
Then a Scotsman hands over a set of bagpipes. The octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused look.
"Ha," the Scot says. "Can ye no play it?" The Octopus looks at him and says: "Play it? I’m going to make love to it as soon as I figure out how to get these pyjamas off..."

Lady walks into an ice cream parlor on a hot day.

"I'd like a gallon of chocolate ice cream", she says.

"I'm sorry ma'am, but we've had a run on chocolate in this weather and we just ran out. We've got 30 other flavours, so please pick one of them." replied the clerk.

"Oh well, I guess I'll just have a quart of chocolate then."

"Ma'am, perhaps you didn't hear me. We are completely out of chocolate ice cream, but I'll be happy to sell you another flavour."

"Oh. Better make it just a pint of chocolate then."

The clerk has had enough at this point and asks, "Listen, lady, spell the 'VAN' in 'vanilla'."

The lady is puzzled, but replies "V-A-N".

"OK, now spell the 'STRAW' in 'strawberry'. he says.

She slowly replies, "S-T-R-A-W", still not sure what he's up to.

"OK, now spell the "FUCK" in 'chocolate'."

She looks at him and says, "There's no 'fuck' in chocolate!'

He shouts back, "That's what I'm tryin to tell you, lady! There's no fuckin chocolate!"

Nicole, that's a CRACKER.!!!