Jokes

Ah, another trainspotter ...

Bombay TV:

This is great, just select the movie and add your own subtitles! Then send it to mates.

Enjoy:

http://www.grapheine.com/bombaytv/index_uk.php

And here's some examples...

http://www.grapheine.com/bombaytv/play_uk.php?id=707707

And http://www.grapheine.com/bombaytv/play_uk.php?id=702662

http://www.grapheine.com/bombaytv/play_uk.php?id=702951

http://www.grapheine.com/bombaytv/play_uk.php?id=702702

Elton John goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says "Elton, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS."

Elton is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"

Doc says "Eat one sausage, one head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, ten Jalapeno peppers, 3 raw chilli's, 40 walnuts, 40 peanuts, all topped off with 1/2 box of All Bran cereal, washed down with a litre of prune juice."

Elton asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your arse is for ...

Some more oldies.

A dwarf walks up to a farm-house.
"I'd like to buy a horth" he said to the owner of the farm.
"What sort of a horse?" He replies.
"A female horth" says the dwarf.
So the owner shows him a mare "nithe horth says the dwarf, can i thee her eyth?"
So the owner picks the dwarf up to show him her eyes.
"Nithe eyth" says the dwarf " can I thee her teeth"
Again the owner picks up the dwarf and shows him the horses teeth.
"nithe teeth, can i thee her eerth" the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a bit fed up, but, again he picks up the dwarf and shows him the horses ears.
"nithe eerth" he says "can i thee her twot?".
With this the owner picks the dwarf up and shoves his head deep inside the horses vagina, he holds him there for a second before pulling him
out and putting him down.
The dwarf shakes his head and says "perhapth i should weefwaze that. Can i thee her wun awound?"

...
Scottish bloke is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says, "Sorry do you know me"?
"She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!

"His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful. He says "are you that stripper on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse!?"

No she replies coldly "I'm your sons' English Teacher.

Now that was a good one - I really laughed ...

THINGS TO DO IN A LIFT:

Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off

Whistle the first 7 notes of "It's a small world" incessantly

When arriving at your floor, grunt & strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves

Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, & then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

Meow occassionally

Frown & mutter "Gotta go, gotta go", then sigh & say "Oops"

Show other passengers a wound & ask if it looks infected

Holler "Chutes away!" everytime the lift descends

Leave a box between the doors

Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them

Say "Ding!" at each floor

Listen to the lift walls with a stethoscope

Announce in a demonic voice "I must find a more suitable host body."

Wear "X-ray Specs" & leer suggestively at other passengers

Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button

Carry a large blanket & clutch it protectively

Lean against the button panel

Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons

Greet everyone getting on witha warm hanshake & ask them to call you Admiral

Vloid, you seem to have a rather weird hobby ...
Well, just tell me what lifts you ride in, and I'll just take the stairs then ...

Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity.

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions,
Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"

7. Finish All Your sentences with "! In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running T! owards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose! !"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

Desperate for a Sunday afternoon quickie, Bill and Marla decide that the only way to distract their ten-year-old son long enough is send him out onto the balcony of their flat to report on all the neighbourhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. ‘There's a car being towed from the parking lot,’ he says, after few minutes. ‘And now an ambulance is driving past.’ There’s a moment’s quiet, before the amorous couple hear his narration again: ‘Looks like the Andersons have company,’ he calls out. ‘Matt from no.8 is riding a new bike … and the Coopers are having sex.’ Mum and Dad shoot up in bed. ‘How do you know that?’ asks Bill, startled. ‘Their kid is standing out on the balcony, too,’ his son replied.

Raffles.

An elementary school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly said, "My family went to my Granddad's farm, and we saw all his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good, Sally, but I want the word "fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand.

The teacher hesitated because Little Johnny was noted for his bad language.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big, she can only fasten eight."

The teacher cried.

ROTFL

The band never actually split up - we just stopped speaking to each other and went our own separate ways."
- Boy George, Radio 2.

"Damien Hirst tends to use everyday objects such as a shark in formaldehyde."
- Fashion Commentator, Radio 4.

"Street hockey is great for kids. It's energetic, competitive, and skilful. And best of all it keeps them off the street."
- Radio 1 Newsbeat.

"Do you believe David Trimble will stick to his guns on
decommissioning?"
- Interviewer, UTV.

"It was the fastest-ever swim over that distance on American soil."
- Greg Phillips, Portsmouth News.

"... fears that the balloon may be forced to ditch in the Pacific.
Mr Branson, however, remains buoyant and hopes to reach America..."
- Radio 4 News.

"Well, you could count them on the fingers of less than one hand..."
- Jack Elder, New Zealand Police Minister

"And Nakano tries to avoid being passed by his teammate Trulli, which should in fact be quite easy, because Trulli is going more slowly than his teammate Nakano."
- Murray Walker, ITV.

"A fascinating duel between 3 men..."
- David Coleman, Hammer Throw, World Athletics, BBC.

"I'm glad two sides of the cherry have been put forward."
- Geoff Boycott, Radio 5 Live.

"It has been the German Army's largest peacetime operation since World War 2."
- ITN.

"There are the boys, their balls between their legs."
- Amanda Redington, GMTV.

"Israeli troops have this morning entered the Arab township of Hebron, in search of the perpetrators of the recent suicide bomb attacks in Jerusalem, whom they believe are in hiding there."
- CNN News.

"Do Britain's drug laws need a shot in the arm?"
- Radio 4.

"Ian Mackie is here to prove his back injury is behind him."
- Commentator at Spar Athletics.

"Azinger is wearing an all black outfit: black jumper, blue trousers, white shoes and a pink 'tea-cosy' hat."
- Renton Laidlaw.

"The advantage of the rain is, that if you have a quick bike, there's no advantage."
- Barry Sheene.

"Her legs are kept tightly together: she's giving nothing away."
- Gymnastics commentator, BBC1.

"Moreano thought that the full back was gonna come up behind and give him one really hard."
- Ron Atkinson.

"Adams is stretching himself, looking for Seaman."
- Brian Moore.

"I wouldn't be surprised if this game went all the way to the finish."
- Ian St John.

"Apart from their goals, Norway haven't scored."
- Terry Venables.

"The Croatians don't play well without the ball."
- Barry Venison.

"Batistuta is very good at pulling off defenders."
- Kevin Keegan.

"Chile have three options - they could win or they could lose."
- Kevin Keegan.

"I came to Nantes two years ago and it's much the same today, except
that it's completely different."
- Kevin Keegan.

"Zidane is not very happy, because he's suffering from the wind."
- Ron Atkinson.

"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it. You can see it all over their faces."
- Ron Atkinson.

"They've picked their heads up off the ground and they now have a lot to carry on their shoulders."
- Ron Atkinson.

"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw."
- Ron Atkinson.

"The swimmers are swimming out of their socks."
- Sharron Davies, BBC.

"In cycling, you can put all your money on one horse."
- Stephen Roche, Eurosport.

"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock."
- Barry Venison, ITV.

"In life he was a living legend; in death, nothing has changed."
- L!ve TV.

"Without being too harsh on David, he cost us the match."
- Ian Wright, ITV.

"If you'd offered me a 69 at the start this morning I'd have been all over you."
- Sam Torrance, BBC2.

"It's amazing how, in this part of the world, history has been part of its past."
- David Duffy, Eurosport.

"And that was played by the Lindsay String Quartet... or at least two thirds of them."
- Sean Rafferty, Radio 3.

"Batistuta gets most of his goals with the ball."
- Ian St John.

"They (Leeds) used to be a bit like Arsenal, winning by one goal to nil or even less."
- Nasser Hussain, Channel 5.

"So, this movie you star in, The Life Story of George Best, tell us what it's about."
- George Gavin, Sky Sports.

Micheal Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
"Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike Racing:
"Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning:
"She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

Winning Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead:
"Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond:
"Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

During the 1989 British Masters golf tournament, commentator Richie Benaud observed:
"Notices are appearing at courses telling golfers not to lick their balls on the green."

Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe:
"With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked:
"What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
"Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

The new stand at Doncaster racecourse took Brough Scott's breath away...
"My word," he said."Look at that magnificent erection."

Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said:
"They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

Steve Leonard, talking about vegetation on Vets In The Wild, told Trude:
"There's something big growing between my legs."

Arenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said:
"You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

Peter West, commentating on the victory of the East German Olympic 8 rowing team
" The East Germans are celebrating in the usual way by dipping their cox in the water "

Stuart Storey ( I think ) commentating on the Russian contestant in the ladies weight lifting
" We havn't seen much of Dimitrova today - just a snatch "

Raffles.

SIGNS YOU'RE GETTING OLD

1. You leave clubs before the end to "beat the rush".

2. You get more excited about having a roast on a Sunday than going clubbing.

3. You stop dreaming of becoming a professional footballer and start dreaming of having a son who might instead.

4. Before throwing the local paper away, you look through the property section.

5. You prefer Later with Jools Holland to Top of the Pops.

6. All of a sudden, Tony Blair is not 46, he's only 46.

7. Before going out anywhere, you ask what the parking is like.

8. Rather than throw a knackered pair of trainers out, you keep them because they'll be all right for the garden.

9. You buy your first ever T-shirt without anything written on it.

10. Instead of laughing at the innovations catalogue that falls out of the newspaper, you suddenly see both the benefit and money saving properties of a plastic winter cover for your garden bench and an electronic mole repellent for the lawn. Not to mention the plastic man for the car to deter would-be thieves.

11. You start to worry about your parents' health.

12. You complain that ecstasy's "not as pure as it used to be coz you know that if you have some it will take about 48 hours to recover and anyway, you might look a bit of an idiot.

13. Sure, you have more disposable income, but everything you want to buy costs between 200 and 500 quid.

14. You don't get funny looks when you buy a Disney video or a Wallace and Gromit bubble bath, as the sales assistant assumes they are for your child.

15. Pop music all starts to sound crap.

16. You opt for Pizza Express over Pizza Hut because they don't have any pictures on the menus and anyway, they do a really nice half-bottle of house white.

17. You become powerless to resist the lure of self-assembly furniture.

18. You always have enough milk in.

19. To compensate for the fact that you have little desire to go clubbing, you instead frequent really loud tapas restaurants and franchise pubs with wacky names in the mistaken belief that you have not turned into your parents.

20. While flicking through the TV channels, you happen upon C4's Time Team with Tony Robinson. You get drawn in.

21. The benefits of a pension scheme become clear.

22. You go out of your way to pick up a colour chart from B&Q.

23. You wish you had a shed.

24. You have a shed

25. You actually find yourself saying "They don't make 'em like that anymore" and "I remember when there were only 3 TV channels" and "Of course in my day..."

26. Radio 2 play more songs you know than Radio 1 -and Jimmy Young has some really interesting guests on.

27. Instead of tutting at old people who take ages to get off the bus, you tut at schoolchildren whose diction is poor.

28. When sitting outside a pub you become envious of their hanging baskets.

29. You make an effort to be in and out of the curry house by 11.

30. You come face to face with your own mortality for the first time, and the indestructibility of the 20s gives way to a realisation that you are but passing through this life and if you don't settle down soon and have kids you'll have no-one to look after you when you're old and frail and incontinent and you can't go on p**sing your life up against a wall forever and think of how many brain cells you're destroying every time a swift half turns into 10 pints, and "look at that, a full set of stainless steel saucepans for 99 quid, they cost as much as 35 each if you buy themseparately, and you get a milk pan thrown in" ...

31. You find yourself saying "is it cold in here or is it just me?

Is this one "semi"-autobiographical, Loopy?

When you have an "I hate My Job" day, try this...

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by

Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favourite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer.

Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature and read it carefully

You will notice that in small print, there is a statement:

"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,

"I am so glad I do not work in Thermometer quality control at Johnson & Johnson."

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB

THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ARSE THAN YOURS.

Dunno if it's "semi"-autobiographical for Loopy, but it bloody is for me...

...time to buy a walking frame, methinks...

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange
a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire
in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said
"Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're
closest".

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the
night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I
said "Did you get my drift?".

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint,
this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled
onions".

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull
a fast one".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?".
I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?".
He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack
myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was
Wedgie Kray.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a
red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I
asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a
competition and I won a years supply of Marmite... one jar.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about
your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic
converter.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller",
he said "Not you again".

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov(world chess champion) and
there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a
condiment".

Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example
Goran, even he's a witch.

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's
bisatchel.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a
barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I
thought "That's a turtle disaster".

Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want
your type in here"

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't
start anything"

A priest,a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is
this some kind of joke?"

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve
food in here"

Dyslexic man walks into a bra...

A seal walks into a club...

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
"Pint please, and one for the road."

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up
to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
an hour,the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand
chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in
ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to
a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in
Spain, they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself
to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she
wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are
twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

A Man is driving up a steep hill.
A woman is driving down the same hill.
As they both meet in the middle, the man shouts: "PIG !" out of the window.
The woman shouts "You Bat$tard"

Both carry on their journeys... As the woman dissapeares round the next bend she swerves to avoid the pig, crashes through the barrier and ends up in hospital.

If women would only listen... Short sentences can be very informative too you know !!

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his
way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there
for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde
joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair -
giving that you are blind that you should know five things:
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a
professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna
tell that joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and
declares, "Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five
times."

Three ducks

Three little ducks walk into a pub on a Sunday evening. The barman is a little surprised, but is never one to give up a sale, so he asks the first duck his name.

"My name is Huey," says the first duck.

"And what have you been doing on a beautiful day like today?" asks the barman.

"Oh well," says Huey, "I've done a little bit of paddling in the pond and been in and out of puddles. Just generally having the sort of day a duck would enjoy."

Huey then orders a pint and the barman takes it over to a nearby table for him. He then turns to the second duck.

"And what is your name, duck?"

"My name is Duey." says the second duck.

"And what have you been doing on a beautiful day like today?"

"Well," says Duey, "I've done a little bit of paddling in the pond and been in and out of puddles. Just generally having the sort of day a duck would enjoy."

Duey then orders a pint and the barman puts it with Huey's drink. He then turns to the third duck.

"I suppose your name is Luis?"

"No," says the third duck, batting her eyelashes, "My name is Puddles!"

Bit topical this one:
Posh and Becks are sitting in front of the television watching the six o'clock news. The main story is a man threatening to jump off the Clifton Suspension Bridge on to the busy road below.

Posh turns to Becks and says: "David, I bet you £5,000 that he jumps!" to which Beckham replies "£5,000? Done! I bet that he doesn't."

So they shake hands on the bet and continue watching.

Sure enough, the man jumps and hits the road below with a loud thud.

Beckham takes £5,000 out of his back pocket and hands it to Posh. But she refuses. "I can't take your money, David," she says. "The truth is, I was cheating. I saw the five o'clock news, so I knew he was going to jump."

"No, babe, fair's fair" says David. "That money is yours fair and square I was cheating just as you were. I saw the five o'clock news, too. I just didn't think he would do it again."

Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.

David Beckham goes shopping, and sees something interesting in the
kitchen department of a large department store. "What's that?" he asks.

"A Thermos flask," replies the assistant.

"What does it do?" asks Becks.

The assistant tells him it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.

Really impressed, Beckham buys one and takes it along to his next
training session.

"Here, boys, look at this," Beckham says proudly. "It's a Thermos flask."

The lads are impressed. "What does it do?" they ask.

"It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, "says David.

"And what have you got in it?" asks Roy Keane.

"Two cups of coffee and a Choc ice," replies David.

Three men: one American, one Japanese and an Irishman were sitting
naked in the sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm
and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.

"That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip
under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow
lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That
was my mobile phone I have a microchip in my hand."

Paddy felt decidedly low-tech. So as not to be
outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive.

He stepped out of the sauna and went to toilet. He
returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his arse.

The others raised their eyebrows.

"Will you look at that," says Paddy, I'm getting a fax."

I'm on a roll now...

A couple had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love, the husband always insisted on switching off the lights.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she suddenly turned on the lights.

She looked down ... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a "real one".

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent ******," she screamed at him,"how could you be lying to me all of these years? You'd better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

"I'll explain the toy... You explain the kids!"

The enviromentally friendly Keyboard.

A Chinese couple get married, and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is not too experienced either.

On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring.

"My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you wan, juss anyting
you wan."

She's silent for some moments.

"Wah chou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

Eventually she replies, shy and unsure, "I wan to try someting I have heard about. Numba 69."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries...

"You wan... Beef wiff Broccori?"

If men are from Mars and women are from Venus? From where do gay people originate?

Uranus.

There once were two priests, father Dick and father Ray.

One day after a very long mass, the two priests decided to hit the showers, halfway through there showers the priests realized that there was no soap.

So, father Ray says to Father dick "I have extra soap in my room, I'll go get some".

So he leaves to fetch the soap and doesn't bother to get dressed becuase who would still be in the church at such a late hour? So he comes back from his room with two bars of soap and is walking down the hall when suddenly he hears voices coming around the corner, so with his quick thinking he froze to the wall, stiff as a statue.

The voices turned out to be that of three nuns, who, when saw him standing there like a statue stopped to look at and admire him complimenting at how realistic he looks and what a nice body he has.

When suddenly one of the nuns reaches out and grabbed his penis.

Startled, he dropped a bar of soap, with this the nun said "Oh look, a soap dispencer", wanting to test the first nuns theory the second nun reaches out and also grabs his penis, again he drops a bar of soap.

With this the nun says "Yes it's true, it is a soap dispencer".

Wanting to get her share of soap and excitement too, the third nun reaches out and grabs his penis.

But nothing happended for he was all out of soap, so she goes on yanking and pulling his penis for the next few minutes until, to her delight, she squeals "Oh! Look, handcream!"

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.

After 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight."

The woman says, "So do I. You've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that it would fix the problem, but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then
hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . .
.
.
.
.
At this point, he paused and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

HOLY SOAP

Two Priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step
into the showers before they realize there is NO SOAP.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering
to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three Nuns heading his way.
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and FREEZES like he’s a
STATUE.
The Nuns stop and comment on how “life-like� he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap!
“Oh look� says the first nun, “it’s a soap dispenser�.
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood.
Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third Nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three
times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs... then yells!
“Holy Mary, Mother of God, hand-lotion too!�

One of Kay's male mates' girlfriend blew some guy in the toilets of a bar while he waited for her - her apology email is first followed by his response.

Brad,
It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all for anything that happened, so I won't even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you being p*ssed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can't handle is thinking that you see me as a different person. It is weird, I feel like I just went through a horrible break up or something.

The world looked funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can't listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I don't know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn't. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and stupid, but you have come to play such a significant role in my life, I can't imagine my days without you. It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behaviour didn't reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back what happened, but I just want you to know that fighting with you was just about the worst thing I could have ever imagined. It was right up there with one of the ugliest nights of my life, and I would give anything in the world to rewind and fix it.

I am not sure if you will respond to this, part of me thinks that you won't. If not today, then maybe some other time. Also, thanks for getting my stuff together, although I think my sunglasses are still at your house, if you could keep your eyes peeled for them that would be great. Can't even focus or work today, I can't eat, I seriously feel like it was an ugly break up, and I am hoping against hopes that it was not that and you are not done with me.

Please don't cut me off, I really don't think I can handle that. I am so sorry.
Elizabeth

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Elizabeth,
Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under "L" for "Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn't care less about". You did a stupid thing huh? No... doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is "a stupid thing"; Mixing in a red sock with a load of whites is "a stupid thing"; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45 minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you're taking so long because you ate too much bran that morning isn't as much a "stupid thing" as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar. To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying "Well, I didn't love him" somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn't care less if the world "looked funny" to you yesterday.

Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I'm sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else's feelings for 24 hours straight. The good news for you is that my friends don't think you're a terrible person, they just think you're the average run of the mill come-guzzling blond who commands about as much respect as your average child p*rn collector. I could be wrong but, it's pretty hard to respect some chick who comes out to spend the night at my place even though she's seeing someone else and winds up tongue-bathing the taint of anyone who decides 30 minutes of droning commentary on Colin Farrell's new haircut is worth putting up with for a hand job in the men's room.

The good thing about being a guy is that when I eventually bump into the young lad who finger-blasted you on top of a towel dispenser last saturday, we'll have a shot and laugh our heads off about the time it happened. By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.

PS. I BCC'd about 100 people on this email.
Talk to you never,
Brad

KPMG
Executive Corporate Finance - Valuations>

45 minutes!!! Blimey, must be doing something wrong

You're right Loopy... if your girlfriend takes 45 minutes to give you a blow job she should be dumped anyway !!!

Niel, I wouldnt say that...
45 Minutes of shere pleasure ... Why dump her, at least its had a good clean ...

Because I could be spending 30 of those 45 minutes having a beer and eating Pizza whilst watching the rugby on TV !!!

I'm guessing by looking at the spelling that F-L is over-excited

@Neil373: damm right and according to one of the links Andrea posted yesterday:

EDIT: just read your post Neil, think you're going out with the wrong women mate

Glad you see it my way Loopy! After all, if time is limited then the quicker a girl gets the job done the more time the chap has to return the favour... which always seems to take forever !!!

EDIT - Not at all Loopy, in fact 2 minutes would probably be more than enough in skilled hands, leaving me 43 minutes to return the favour

EDIT2- In fact I'll get a stopwatch out and time it next time !

five minutes seems to do the trick for most men, they are usually practically there just thinking about it - F-L's post above

Best get reading that guide then Neil If you need any practice

obviously typing with one hand

I wrote it...

Bloody hell loopy...you need to find a man that can hold fire

If that is really the case then you'd best slow the car down on your way past next time


must be my technique, either that or I keep picking men who aren't getting any

ahhh but did you practise it as well !!!

Of course, and it's essential to practice often if you want to keep your game up to scratch and the muscles well toned

and back to the jokes, here`s one that is suitable , what with this bird flu thing:

A Bear, a Lion and a Chicken are sitting talking about who is the hardest animal out of the three of them. The bear says

"When I roar the whole forest trembles !"

"That's nothing" Says the lion "When I roar the whole jungle shakes with fear !"

The chicken just sits there laughing. "What's so funny ?" Asks the bear and the lion.

"Well" starts the chicken

"All I have to do is cough and the whole world shits itself !"

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet".

"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind! of cured pig meat you can imagine!!

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".

"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don' forget".

"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell of bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that... Luis races towards the tree.

He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down is his tracks.

It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees eet?"

"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree...

..

..

..

..

..

Ees

..

..

..

..

..

..

"Ees, a Ham Bush"

thats an old one, heard it with Germans and brits in the second world war