Jokes

ive been to that site too

What do you say when a dog runs away?

Dog-gone!

I'm sure the topic description for this thread reads

but rules were made to be broken...

you rebel Rustic

what rules

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals,
but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male
animal is punishable by death.
(*Like THAT makes sense*.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's
genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during
the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(*Do they look different reversed*?)
*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse.
This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased
must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(*A brick*??)
*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(*Much worse than "going blind*!")
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the
countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the
privilege of having sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it
is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(*Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else
in the world that even comes close to this*?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her
adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The
husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(*Ah! Justice*!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in
tropical fish stores.
( *But of course*!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband,
and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to
witness the act.
(*Makes one shudder at the thought*.)
*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with
a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(*I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass
this law*?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines
with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending
machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for
consumption on the premises."
(*Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam*!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(*Who volunteers for this stuff*?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
pleasure.
(*Is that why Flipper was always smiling*?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its
own weight and always falls over on its right side when
intoxicated.
(*From drinking little bottles of* ..?)
(*Did the govt. pay for this research*?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(*Ah, geez.*)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(*I know some people like that*.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.
(*I know some people like that, too*.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

*And, the best for last...*
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(*Do you think they have bad breath*?)

My Mexican friend emailed it to me, I thought it was funny.

WHY LATINOS CAN'T BE TERRORISTS...

1. 8:45 am is too early for us to be up.

2. We are always late, we would have missed all 4 flights.

3. Pretty people on the plane distract us.

4. We would talk loudly and bring attention to ourselves.

5. With food and drinks on the plane, we would forget why we're
there.

6. We talk with our hands, therefore we would have to put our
weapons down.

7. We would ALL want to fly the plane.

8. We would argue and start a fight in the plane.

9. We can't keep a secret, we would have told everyone a week before
doing it.

10. We would have put our country's flag on the windshield.

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names: a trade name and generic name.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink." Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: "MOUNT &
DO."

Sorry if any Catholics are offended by the cartoon of Moses (Don't want to be stirring anyone else up now do we!)

A guy walks into a gay bar and asks the barman for a double entendre, so the barman gave him one.

some good ones here

He related to the gay milkman? I heard he never left an empty behind

OK this is in German but most of us understand it.

I am posting this to you to warn you of something that happened to me, as I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.

I don't know if you shop at Tesco's, but this may be useful to know as this happened to me at Tesco's in Hall Green on Stratford Road and it could happen to you.

Here's how the scam works…..

Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the boot. They both start wiping your windscreen with a rag and Windolene, with their bre@sts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts.

It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No Thanks' and instead ask you for a ride to Sainsbury's in Marshal Lake on Stratford Road. You know you shouldn't but you agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having s@x with each other.

Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs s@x on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and also yesterday.

Keep a careful eye out, they may not be there for much longer.

Remember… keep them peeled.

The wife comes home early and finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful young woman...
"You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! How dare you do this to me - the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you, I want a divorce!"

The husband, replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened"

"Fine, but it'll be the last words you say to me you unfaithful pig!"

The husband begins to tell his story . . .
"While driving home this young lady asks for a ride.

I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not welldressed and very dirty.

She mentioned that she had not eaten for 3 days.
With great compassion and hurt, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas that I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight.

Poor thing, practically devours them.
Since she was very dirty I asked her to take a shower. While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I
threw her clothes away.

Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years, that you can no longer wearbecause they are too tight on you, I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you will not wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair."

"The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door.

When we got to the door she turned around and with tears coming out ofher eyes, she asks me:

"Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use?"

-------------------------------PRESS RELEASE---------------------------------
Halifax Building Society is very pleased to announce that they are installing new "Drive Thru" Cash Dispensers.
To enable customers to gain maximum benefit from this new facility they have conducted intensive behavioural studies to come up with the appropriate procedures for their use.

AS FOLLOWS:

Procedures for MALE customers

1. Drive up to the cash machine
2. Wind down your car window
3. Insert your card into machine and enter PIN
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw
5. Retrieve card, cash, and receipt
6. Wind up window
7. Drive off

Procedures for FEMALE customers

1. Drive up to the cash machine
2. Reverse the required distance to align car window with cash machine
3. Re-start the stalled engine
4. Wind down the window
5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to find card
6. Turn the radio down
7. Attempt to insert card into machine
8. Open car door to allow easier access to cash machine due to its excessive distance from the car
9. Insert card
10. Re-insert card the right way up
11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN number written on the inside back page
12. Enter PIN
13. Press "cancel", and re-enter correct PIN
14. Enter amount of cash required
15. Check make-up in rear view mirror
16. Retrieve cash and receipt
17. Empty handbag again, to locate purse and place cash inside
18. Place receipt in back of chequebook
19. Re-check make-up
20. Drive forward 2 metres
21. Reverse back to cash machine
22. Retrieve card
23. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into slot provided
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off
25. Drive for 2 to 3 miles
26. Release handbrake.

It's funny how, as we get older, our priorities change. The other morning I awoke to see my wife standing beside the bed, dressed in very skimpy underwear and holding several pieces of velvet rope.
"Tie me up and you can do anything you want", she purred.
So I tied her up and went fishing.

Relationships are sometimes difficult to handle.
It's like a full time job, and we should treat it as one: if your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, he/she should give you two weeks notice and, they should organize you a TEMP!!!

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your
second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse...alone."

The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For the last time . . . bring pOssee!!!"

Two old pissed men go to a brothel. The madam asks them what they want.
They say "we want women". She asks, "How old are you?" They replied "90 , so what, just get us some wimmin".
So she tells one of the girls to take them upstairs and put each of them in a room with a blow up doll.
So they go upstairs and do their thing.
When they come back downstairs the first old man asks the other "How was it?"
The other one says "I think she was dead, she just layed there, how was yours?"
"I think mine was a witch."
"A witch?"
"Yeah, I bit her on the arse, she farted and flew out the window."

Twas the eve of the battle of Trafalgar.

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye aye, sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "'England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' What gobbledygook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it...full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle, Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life."

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. What ever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case ...kiss me, Hardy".

The offside rules explained for girls

You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till.
Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have.
The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire.
Both of you have forgotten your purses.
It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes either.
The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.
Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma.
She prepares to throw her purse to you.
If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes.
At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, *whilst it is in flight* you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes.
Always remembering that until the purse has *actually been thrown* it would be plain wrong to be forward of the other shopper.

Simple !!

Did You Know...

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home. Maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the...?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig. Can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm...)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing...)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Whale story

Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean. Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it as the whaling ship that killed his father. Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that killed my father! Let's swim closer!" When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million pieces? That will be sweet revenge." And the female agreed to this. So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship, and blew enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces. The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean. The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, "They're still alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the sailors!" That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said . . .
...
...

"Oh no... I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen."

Valentine's Day Messages
Roses are straight,

Violets are twisted,

Bend over love,

You're about to get fisted.

Roses are crap,

Violets are wanky,

Oooh I've just come,

Pass me a hanky.

Roses are stupid,

Violets are silly,

Grease up your flaps,

Cos here comes my willy.

Roses are awful,

Violets are the pits,

Lift up your shirt,

And show us your tits.

Roses are crap,

Violets are shit,

Sit on my face,

And wiggle a bit.

Roses make me laugh,

Violets make me titter,

You're a dirty bitch,

And you love it up the shitter.

Roses are red,

But I like carnations,

You're so crap in bed,

That I fucked your alsations.

Roses are red,

Violets are finer,

Chickens are fowl,

Just like your vagina.

Roses are red,

It's elementary,

Let's ring up a friend,

And try double-entry.

Roses are shit,

Violets are crap,

Show me your clit,

And I'll cum in your lap.

Blowjob Etiquette for Men!

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.

4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.

5. My ears are NOT handles.

6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?

7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.

8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.

9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.

10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.

11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behaviour to be repeated in the future.

12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.

13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.

14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".

Blowjob Etiquette for Women!

1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.

2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.

3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?

4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.

5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!

6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. trust me.

7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.

8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.

9. Play with the balls.

10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.

11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!

12. Make hay when the sun shines. it's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".

13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?

Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

David's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama bin Laden," David says.

"Why Osama bin Laden," his father asks in shock.

"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride. "David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the crap out of him."

Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two
claimed that he was still there.

True Australian Ghost Story

This story happened a while ago in Brisbane, and even though It sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road
hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The Night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly he saw a car, slowly coming towards him and stopped. John,
desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and
closed the door, just to realize there was nobody behind the wheel And the engine wasn't on!
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand appeared every time they came to a curve.

John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, Jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed
inside and asked for two shots of tequila. He then started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realized he was crying and...wasn't drunk.

About 15 minutes later, two guys walked into the same pub. They were also wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing John Bradford
sobbing at the bar, one said to the other,

"Look, Bruce. Here's the F*cking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it."

A man is sitting reading his newspaper when the wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" he asks.

"That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pockets with the name Mary Ellen written on it," she replies.

"Don't be silly," he says, "Two weeks ago when I went to the races Its the name of one of the horses I bet on."

She seems satisfied and at this, she apologises.

Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.

When he comes around, he asks again, "what was that for?!"

She responded, "Your f*****g horse phoned."

There once were two priests, father Dick and father Ray.

One day after a very long mass, the two priests decided to hit the showers, halfway through there showers the priests realized that there was no soap.

So, father Ray says to Father dick "I have extra soap in my room, I'll go get some".

So he leaves to fetch the soap and doesn't bother to get dressed because who would still be in the church at such a late hour? So he comes back from his room with two bars of soap and is walking down the hall when suddenly he hears voices coming around the corner, so with his quick thinking he froze to the wall, stiff as a statue.

The voices turned out to be that of three nuns, who, when saw him standing there like a statue stopped to look at and admire him complimenting at how realistic he looks and what a nice body he has.

When suddenly one of the nuns reaches out and grabbed his manhood.

Startled, he dropped a bar of soap, with this the nun said "Oh look, a soap dispenser", wanting to test the first nuns theory the second nun reaches out and also grabs his manhood, again he drops a bar of soap.

With this the nun says "Yes it's true, it is a soap dispenser".

Wanting to get her share of soap and excitement too, the third nun reaches out and grabs his manhood.

Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, Then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs,then yells. "Holy Mary, Mother of God, hand lotion too!"

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.
The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball
headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped
his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded
to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
She said, "Please allow me to help.
I'm a physical therapist and I know
I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...
I'll be fine in a few minutes,"
he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position
still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside.
She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

To which he replied, "It feels great,
but my thumb still hurts like hell."

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly madam," he replied courteously.

"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.

"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it.

"Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.

"Certainly, madam," he replied.

"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.

The receptionist nodded and smiled.

"In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please," Mary mused.

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up To her room for the night.

The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came Down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.

"Morning madam...sleep well?"

"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.

"Food to your liking?"

"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though ...they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.

"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to Improve our service and would value your opinion," Said the receptionist.

"OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary...who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.

...

...

"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!"

A guy walks into a bar one night and asks for a beer.

"Certainly Sir, that'll be one 1p".

"Ip?", exclaimed the man.

The barman replied, "Yes".

So the man glances over the at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak with chips, peas and a fried egg?"

"Certainly sir" replies the barman "but in real money, that amounts to a whole 4p".

"4P??!!" exclaimed the man, "Where's the guy who owns this place?" he asks.

The barman replies "Upstairs with my wife".

The man says "whats he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The barman replies "The same thing as I'm doing to his business".

Tale of an Irish Sausage.

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"

Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"

Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin'me!"

Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub!"

Childrens Books that Smiths refused to stock:

1. You ARE different - and that's BAD

2. The boy who died from eating all his vegetables

3. Strangers have the best candy (My favourite!)

4. Fun 4-letter words to know and share

5. Hammers, screwdrivers and scissors - An I can do it book

6. The Kids guide to Hitch-Hiking

7. Kathy was so bad her Mum stopped loving her

8. All Cats go to hell (So true! So true!)

9. The little Sissy who snitched

10. Some kittens can fly (Also true - Why not see for yourself?)

11. That's it, I'm putting you up for adoption

12. Granpa gets a casket

13. The magic world inside the abandoned refrigerator (Your cat will love it as well!)

14. Garfield gets feline leukemia

15. The pop up book of human anatomy

16. Dad's new wife Bruce

17. Whining, kicking and crying to get your way

18. You were an accident

19. Things rich kids have, but you never will

20. Pop! Goes the Hamster - and other great microwave games (Try the cat?)

21. The man in the moon is actually Satan

22. Used toilet paper and your babysitter (??)

23. Why can't Mr Fork and Ms Electrical outlet be friends?

24. Curious George and the Rotweilers

2 homeless men were walking down the train tracks one day when one said to the other,
" im the luckiest man in the world"

the other replied
"why's that then?"

He said,
" I was walking down here the other day and I found a £20 note on the tracks, I brought a bottle of whiskey & I was drunk all day!"

the other replied "wow that is lucky!, but I think im the luckiest"

"why's that" said the other one.

he said "I was walking down here the other day and I saw a girl tied to the tracks, so I untied her, took her in those bushes over there and had sex with her all day!"

the other one said, "wow that is lucky, did you get a blowjob as well?"

the other replied " no, I didn't find her head"

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying flowers. The Redhead sighs and says: "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again." The blonde looks quizzically at her and says: "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"

The redhead replies: "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says: ... "Don't you have a vase?"

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes.

Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him.

His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.

He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear
raising his paw to take a swipe at him.

At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying:
"You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit
creation to a cosmic accident.
Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light.

"It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now,
but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice. The light went out, and the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful, Amen. "

From the mouths of babes...

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like
sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep
the
chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to
marry.
God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're
stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by
then. -- Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
-- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at
the
same kids. -- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun and people should use them to get to know each
other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. --
Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets
them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers
and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -- Craig,
age
9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with
that - - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry
them
and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never
going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. --
Theodore, age 8

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone
to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? --
Kelvin,
age 8

And the #1 Favourite is...

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a bus. --
Ricky, age 10

4 people in the carriage of a train - a Welshman, a pretty young blonde
girl, an ugly old woman and an Englishman.

It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark
there's
the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the
tunnel
the Englishman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his
cheek.

The old lady thinks, "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the
dark
and she slapped him".

The pretty young blonde thinks "I bet the Englishman tried to fondle me
in
the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him".

The Englishman thinks, "I bet that Welshman fondled the blonde in the
dark,
but the blonde thought it was me and hit me".

The Welshman thinks "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I
can
slap that English tw*t again".

A Classic, but I seem to remember it a little different Andrea !!

Some one liners

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A backward poet writes inverse.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at
large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background
>checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two
>men and a woman.
>For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal
door
>and handed him a gun.
>"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
>circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.
>Kill Her!
>The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The
>agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife
>and go home."
>The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and
>went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out
>with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
>The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
>
>Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions,
>to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots
>were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging
>on the walls.
>After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there
>stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.
>
>
>"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death
>with the chair."
>
>MORAL of the story: Women are evil. Don't mess with them Pass on this
>advice !!

Sorry Farlands...is this your version

Farlands thinks "if we go through another F** tunnel I'm gonna scream...because I just know Thomas the Tank Engine is due to go by and I don't have his number yet"

What do you call a man with a pile of leaves on his head?

Russel

Don't be silly Andrea, everyone knows Thomass' number is 1.