Jokes

A certain married couple had a very healthy sex life. They had sex everyday; in the shower, on the kitchen counter, everywhere imaginable. In fact the wife was somewhat of a nymphomaniac.
One day the husband announced that he would be going on a week-long business trip. Deciding that she couldn't go the week without sex she decided to visit a sex shop after she dropped him off at the airport. She was looking at the selections of dildo's and could not find what she was looking for. She asked the man at the counter if he had anything really special. The man hesistated, looked around the shop, and took a deep breath, "I really shouldn't be showing you this, but you look like a very special lady." He took an old looking wooden box out from under the counter and removed the lid. As the woman looked inside she announced that it was just like any other in the store. The man said, "Ah, but you see, it most certainly is not! It is the voodoo penis and all you have to do is say "voodoo penis" and then where ever you want it to go." The man decided to demonstrate the powers of the "voodoo penis". He commanded, "VOODOO PENIS, THE DOOR!" The dildo rose from the box and began its work on the door. The door began to buckle and sway. Splinters of wood flew around the room. The man yelled, "Voodoo Penis, return to the box!" The woman was so impressed with it she bought it right away and took it straight home.
The woman, excited to try it, undressed and commanded, "Voodoo Penis my crotch!" The penis went straight to pumping. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she decided that it was enough, only she had forgotten how to return it to the box. After tugging for what seemed like hours, she decided to drive to the hospital for help.
She put her clothes back on and began to drive, quivering with each thrust of the dildo. After one intense orgasm she swerved all over the road. A policeman ,seeing this, pulled her over, and asked her if she had had something to drink.
She replied that she had a voodoo penis stuck in her crotch and it would not stop screwing her. The policeman smiled and in an arrogant tone of voice said, "Voodoo Penis, My ASS!"

Angering the Irishman
Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser."

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care." The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!"

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!"

The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"

"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."

An American, Japanese, and a Sardar were sitting in the sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and
the beeping stopped.

The others looked at him questioningly. "That's my pager," he said, "I have
a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese lifted his palm to his ear.
When he finished he explained, "That's my mobile phone.

I have a microchip in my hand. The Sardar felt low-tech and inferior.

He didn't know what to do to be as impressive as the American & the
Japanese. He decided to take a break in the toilet.

When he returned, he didn't realize that there was a piece of toilet paper
got stuck and hanging from his backside.

The others raised their eyebrows and said, "Wow! What's that?"

Instead of being embarrassed, inspiration struck his mind.

The Sardar explained, "I'm getting a FAX...."

THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HER
8.15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
8.30 Weigh in 2Kg lighter than yesterday.
8.45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice
and croissants -open presents - expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner.
9.15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil.
10.00 Light work out at club with sexy funny personal trainer.
10.30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow dry.
12.00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe.
12.45 Catch sight of partner's ex and notices she has gained 17kg.
1.00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit.
3.00 Nap.
4.00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer.
4.15 Light work out at club, followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk, who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body.
5.30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before full length mirror.
7.30 Candle lit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers.
10.00 Hot shower (alone).
10:50 Carried to bed . . . (freshly ironed, crisp, new, white linen).
11.00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
11.15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms.

THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HIM

6.00 Alarm.
6.15 BJ.
6.30 Massive satisfying shit while reading the sports section.
7.00 Breakfast: rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot showing her growler.
7.30 Limo arrives.
7.45 Several Beers en-route to airport.
9.15 Flight in personal Lear Jet.
9.30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (b j en-route).
9.45 Play front nine - 2 under.
11.45 Lunch - Pie, chips and gravy, 3 lagers and a bottle of Dom Perignon.
12.15 Bj.
12.30 Play back nine - 4 under.
2.15 Limo back to the airport (Several Bourbons).
2.30 Fly to Cairns.
3.30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew, all nude who also bend over a lot displaying growlers.
4.30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs) - on light tackle.
5.00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle McPherson (bending over.. naturally).
6.45 Shit, Shower and Shave.
7.00 Watch news: Michael Jackson convicted; cannabis legalised.
7.30 Dinner: lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy fillet steak followed by Ice-cream served on a big pair of tits.
9.00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigar in front of wall-size TV as you watch match of the day; Boks beating Oz by 30 points.
9.30 Sex with three women (all with lesbian tendencies... some bending over).
11.00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks
and a cleansing ale.
11.30 A night cap bj.
11.45 In bed alone.
11.50 A 22 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room .
11.51 Laugh yourself to sleep.

Nelson Mandela, George W. Bush, Bill Gates and a 9 year old schoolboy are in a plane when the engines abruptly quit and won't restart. The pilot comes to the back grabs a parachute and says "sorry guys, there are only 3 more parachutes, but I'll be damned if I'm going to go down with the plane." with that he puts on his parachute and jumps out of the plane.

The 4 people left behind all look at each other for a moment before Bill Gates grabs a parachute and says; "Well, I can't go down with the plane and die, I'm the head of Microsoft and I bring technology and a better life to billions of people every day." with that, he puts on the parachute and jumps.

George Bush then says "Well, I'm the most powerful man in the world. I am responsible for maintaining order and stability in the world so I certainly can't die." with that, he grabs a parachute and jumps.

Nelson Mandela looks at the little boy and thinks a moment. "Well son, I have had a fulfilling life and can't complain. I've brought a lot of good to the world and am happy to have done so. I think however, that you are a young man with your whole life ahead of you, you should take the last parachute and I'll go down with the plane."

The little boy looks up at Mr. Mandela and says; "Nah. Don't worry about it. We'll both be fine. George Bush just jumped out of the plane with my backpack."

The 8's of a girl

What is the difference between girls
aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, and 48, 58 and 68?

At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!

Sorry folks, could not upload the accompanying pics...
Anyone interested, I can mail you.

@UA, Most welcome.

@fretz... that was a good one.. cant help laughing... thanks.

Cheers,
CU all at Starkbierfest!!!

For the holiday

"The Errand"

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.

When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"

"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Water to Wine"

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have ya been drinkin'?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"The Brothel"

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.

They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."

Then they see a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Irish Predicament

Drunk Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the Ole just sits there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Irish Last Request

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father..."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!'

Dear Mary,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just to great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love,
John

Mary, with hurt feelings, asked her colleagues for any snapshots theycould spare of their boyfriends, brothers, ex-boyfriends, uncles, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of John. Mary included all the other pictures of the pretty lads she had collected from her buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope...along with this note:

Dear John,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the f**k you are. Please take your picture from the pile and send the rest back to me.

Take Care,
Mary

A married couple have just moved to a new area and don't know anyone. In order to integrate themselves in the community they decide to start going to their local catholic church and go to visit the priest.
The priest says that they are welcome to come to the church if they can prove themselves first. To do that they have to go 6 weeks without sex. They agree to the conditions and go home.
Six weeks later they come back to the priest and he asks how it went. "Well," say the husband, " The first five weeks went well. Then the other day, my wife dropped a tomato on the floor and bent over to pick it up. I saw her gorgeous round arse right in front of me and I couldn't do it any longer. I had to have her there and then." "I'm afraid that means that you will not be able to attend our church" says the priest solemnly. The wife replies "Sod the church. We're not allowed to shop at Tescos any more"

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front
of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She
watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why
are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee.

"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only
16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes I do" she replies.

The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember
when your father caught us in the back seat of my car...?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued... "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in
my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to
jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said,

"I would have been released today".!!!

Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles refinery. A Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager. Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions.

The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest but we've decided to give the Yankee the job."

Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy I should get the job!"

The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed."

Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

The manager replied: "Bubba, it's like this, on question #4 the Yankee put down "I don't know." You put down, "Neither do I."

A man goes to see Mel Gibson's new movie, The
Passion, and is inspired to take his family to Israel to see the places where Jesus lived and died.

While on vacation his mother-in-law dies. An undertaker in Tel Aviv explains that they can ship the body home to Missouri at a cost of $10,000 or the mother-in-law could be buried in Israel for US $500.

The man says, "We'll ship her
home." The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here."

The man says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead.

I just can't take that chance.

Duck Expert

A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to 'enforce the laws pending.' He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, 'Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?'

The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed
it, and said, 'This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?'

The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the
bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, 'This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?'

The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, 'This here's
an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?'

Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, 'You've got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?'

The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said
'You're so smart, YOU tell ME!'

sorry, I am bored today...!

johnny goes to confess at church, sits down and says forgive me father for i have sinned i have had an extramarital affair. i ask for forgiveness for me and her father chastises him on the sin and says he lord will forgive them both. who is the lady, johnny says that is a secret. the priest says how can he pray for both if he doesnt know who, johnny refuses, father says was it christina, johnny says no, was it mary johnny says no, father gives up and says he will pray for All. johnny comes out all smiles. his friend asks him what happened, johnny says i have 2 EXCELLENT LEADS!

===========

police officer having a problem with an amazing lookin blonde. she dont know what her license looks like what her car papers look like where they are etc etc. fed up he calls the sargent. sargent to policeman, is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde in a ferrari, policeman-yes
sargent- just drop your pants son
policeman-whaaaat!!
sagent-do as i say
policeman-drops pants
blonde-Oh no! not another breath anlyser test!!

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the Driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom acow I'd be a little bull.''

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!'' The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices, with little in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands...

CORPORATE LESSON # 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $ 800 just to drop that towel that you have on". After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. Bob has a close look at her for a few seconds, hands over $800 and quietly leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes upstairs! When she gets back to the bathroom,
her husband asks from the shower "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door
neighbor," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the! $ 800 he owes me?"

MORAL OF THE STORY: Share critical credit information with your stakeholders to prevent avoidable exposure!

CORPORATE LESSON # 2

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road; he stopped and offered her a lift which she gladly accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun
looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on, while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister,
but the mind is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a
meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek; further up, you will find glory."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job; or, you might miss great opportunities!

CORPORATE LESSON #3

Usually the junior executives and staff of the company generally play football; the middle level managers are more interested in tennis and the top management usually has a preference for Golf.
FINDING: As you go up the corporate ladder, the balls reduce in size.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Self explanatory...

CORPORATE LESSON # 4

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 PM when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document and my secretary has left. Can you make this
thing work?" "Certainly, Sir" said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything.

CORPORATE LESSON # 5

There were these 4 guys, Russian President Putin, Germany's Chancellor Kohl, Pakistan Dictator Musharraf and French Premiere Chirac who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appears. Thankful that the 4 guys had
released him out of the bottle, he said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, and then your wish will come true." The French Premiere Chirac wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman
was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool. Next is the Russian President
Putin turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka. The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so contented with his beer pool. The last is Pakistan's Musharraf. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards
the pool and shouted, "SHIT!!!..."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Mind your language; you never know what it will land you in.

Some more Corporate lessons.

Lesson number one

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit
saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing
all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the
ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared,
jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story is:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high
up.

Lesson number two:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get
to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the
energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the
bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump
of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach
the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at
the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who
shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson number three:

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole
body's responses and functions."

The feet said, " We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and
get him to where he wants to go."

The hands said, " We should be the Boss because we do all the work
and earn all the money."

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes
until finally the asshole spoke up.

All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So
the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched,
the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain
fevered.

Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so
the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while
the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Moral of the story:

You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.

This is one for the ladies!!!
-----
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten."

The woman said, "That's okay." and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to. "

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM! she's the most beautiful woman in the world.

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you".

" The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM! she's the richest woman in the world.

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Attention Male readers: Please scroll down.

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife. Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this, it only goes to show that you women never listen!

Worst joke ever. Fact.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. It made him...

A super calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis.

Good one...

One politician, One thief & One Programmer died & went straight
to hell. Politician said "I miss my country, I want to call
my country and see how everybody is doing there.
She called and talked for about 5 minutes, then she asked "Well,
devil how much do I owe you???
The devil says "Five million dollars"
The Politician wrote him a cheque and went to sit back on her chair.

Thief was soo jealous, he starts screaming, "My turn! I wanna call
the my group members, I want to see how everybody is doing there too"
He called and talked for about 2 minutes, then he asked "Well, devil
how much do I owe you???

The devil says "Ten million dollars"
With a smug look on his face, he made a cheque and went to sit back
on his chair.

Programmer was even more jealous & starts screaming, "I want to call
other IT person too,
He called other IT person and he talked for twenty hours about
various technologies and Project Managers, he talked & talked &
talked, then he asked "Well, devil how much do I owe you???
The devil says "Twenty dollars".
Programmer is stunned & says "Twenty dollars??? Only ??"
The devil says "Well if you make a call from one hell
to another hell, it's local".

damn polar bears!!

An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest,

"Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and eleven healthy
grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I
made love with both of them... twice."

The priest said, "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in
confession?"

"Never Father... I'm Jewish."

"So then, why are you telling me?"

"I'm telling everybody!"

a young couple is getting married, and during the ceremony, the preast stresses the importance of communication in a successfull marrage. Taking the advice to heart, the newly-weds make a point to seek advice from other married couples during the reception.

first they speak to the bride's cousin and her husband, both just a few years older. The cousin does all the talking, explaining that communication is all about getting things done. she explains in detail how her husband listens to her very well and does all she tells him to do - though it took a few years to get to that point. and things are finally exactly how she wants them to be - as her husband whimpers a "yes, dear" in reply.

The newly weds agreed that there wasn't much communication going on there. So they asked the grooms uncle and his wife.

Both the uncle and his wife started talking at the same time, both agreeing that it is critical to communicate on goals and schedules and plans - especially when you have kids. they told story after story about mix-ups they had, when kids were forgotten at school, or schedules were mixed-up and important dates were missed. but the uncle and wife didn't seem to be talking with eachother, more about the other.

again, the newly-weds were unhappy with the answer. so they asked the grooms grandparents, who had been happily married for 40 years and were both hard of hearing.

Upon hearing the question, the old couple looked at eachother and smiled. With the wife's agreement, the husband replied: "listen, the most important thing is to communicate in the bedroom. Like, me and the misses have a way to let the other know that we want to have sex. For example, if the misses wants to have sex, she reaches over and gently tuggs on my thingy once - if she does not want sex, she tuggs a thousand times."

A priest saw a girl removin her blouse.
He prayed. "God please close my eyes."
When he opened his eyes the girl was naked.
This time he prayed, "God please close your eyes."

"Everyone has a right to be stupid; the problem is that some abuse the
privilege"

"No one dies a virgin...life screws us all!"

Cyber-sex transcript

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing an expensive red silk blouse, a black leather mini skirt and high heeled boots. I am tanned and very buffed. I workout everyday. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 lb. I wear glasses and have on a pair of blue sweatpants I just bought at Walmart. I'm also wearing an old T-shirt, it's got some barbecue sauce stains on it and it smells kind of funny.
Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my nightstand. I look up into your eyes and I'm smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and I begin to feel your huge swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I'm gulping. I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now, I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and I'm sliding it softly off.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off of my warm body. I'm rubbing your bulge faster now, rubbing and pulling.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and tears a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.
Sweetheart: That's, OK. It wasn't really too expensive.
Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it! I'm wearing a lacy black bra, my soft breasts are rising and falling as I breathe harder and harder.
Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp of your bra, I think it's stuck. Do you have scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly, I reach behind my back and undo the clasp. My bra slides off. The cool air caresses my breasts, my nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby, I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair.Now I'm nibbling your ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.
Sweetheart: WHAT?
Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off of my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
Wellhung: I'm taking your sopping wet blouse from you and throwing it in the corner of the room.
Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweatpants down and rubbing your hard tool.
Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman! Your hands are cold! Yeee!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out and nibbling on you. ummm, wait a second.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?
Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart: Is there anything I can do to help?
Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen. Choking wildly. Looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups??
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink!
Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There that's better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm aching for you lover.
Wellhung: Now I'm drying the cup. I'm putting it back in the
cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait it's dark, I'm lost. Where is the bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tugging off your pants. I want you so badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: I kiss you passionately. Our naked bodies pressed against each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart: Why don't you take your glasses off?
Wellhung: OK. But I can't see very well. I'm placing my glasses on the nightstand.
Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly to the bathroom
Sweetheart: Hurry back lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet and lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
Wellhung: I just realised I peed in your hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bed now. Blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: Now I'm going to put my, you know, thing in your umm, woman's thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, Baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. Ma'am, I'm having a little problem here.
Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth. I can't wait another second. Slide it in! Screw me!
Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart: WHAT?
Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.
Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm looking for my glasses to see what the problem is.
Sweetheart: NO! Never mind. I'm getting dressed, I'm putting on my underwear and my wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait. I can't find the night table. I'm reaching across the dresser, knocking off cans of hairspray, your picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. I'm putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: Now I've found my glasses. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain! The curtain is on fire.I'm pointing at it with a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell! I'm logging off, LOSER!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Nooooooo!

A man walks into a jewelry store to buy his girlfriend an engagement ring.

Looking behind the glass case, he comes across an exquisite band with a handsome-sized

rock in its center. "Excuse me sir," the gentleman says to the salesman. "How much is

this ring?"

"Ah, that's a beautiful piece," the salesman replies. "It goes for $10,000."

"My God!" the man exclaimed. "That's a lot of money!"

"Yes, but a diamond is forever."

"Perhaps," the gentleman replied, "but my marriage won't last that long!"

______________________

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old lady, entered the doctor's office.

"We have come for an examination," said the young girl.

"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."

"No, not me," said the girl. "it's my old aunt here."

"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue..."

_______________________________________________________________

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.
The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very
rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine,
and the pressure creates one heck of a headache. The only way to
relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked
and depressed. He wondered if he had anything left to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital after the surgery,he was without a
headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he
was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down
the street, he realized that he did feel like a different
person. Why not make a new beginning and live a new life. He
saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need
- a new suit!" He entered the shop and told the salesman,
"I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly
and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right,
how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the
suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the
salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment
and then said, "Sure." The sales man eyed Joe and said,
"Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised,
"That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the
collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
Why not, Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed
Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished,
"That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably
around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back,
eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36." Joe laughed "Ah ha!
I finally got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old!" The
salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear
would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give
you one heck of a headache."

Signs...

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side.

"When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home

was take off my trousers," he said. "I gave them to your mother and

told her to put them on.

When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that

she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large. I told her,

"Of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I

always will."

Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.

Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone

afterthe wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave

them to Jill and told her to put them on.

Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear

them. "Exactly," replied Jack. "I wear the trousers in this relationship

and I always will. Don't forget that".

Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these

on," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small."I can't

possibly get into your knickers," said Jack. "Exactly,"replied Jill.

"And if you don't change your f**king attitude, you never will !!! "

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said,"Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6."

He thanked her & continued playing golf. Later he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to
bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on." Lady : You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13. Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went upto her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking & talking he asked her what she did for a living. "I'm in sales."

He replied, "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?"

Lady : It's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He
promised.

Lady : I sell WHISPER (Sanitary Napkins).
He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.

Lady : You promised you wouldn't laugh.
He replied, "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper ... I'm still one hole behind you."

[attachment=6037:attachment]
April Fool !!!

Hairstyle for Meetings

A photographer for a well-known national magazine was assigned to cover Southern California's wildfires. The magazine wanted pictures of the heroic work the firefighters were doing as they battled the blazes. When the photographer arrived on the scene he realized that the smoke was so thick it would seriously impede, or even make impossible, his getting good photographs from ground-level.
He requested permission from his boss to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and he used his cell phone to call the local county airport to charter a flight. He was told a single engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. He arrived at the airfield and spotted his plane warming up outside a hangar. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go!"
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and roared down the runway. Once in the air, the photographer requested the pilot to, "Fly over the valley and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures of the fires on the hillsides."
"Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm a photographer for a national magazine," he responded, "and I need to get some close-up shots." The pilot was strangely silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "So, you're telling me you're not the flight instructor?"

A blonde girl calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..." he said with a deep sigh"...

Let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."

@Nicole... That was a nice blonde joke!

Pretty old one... Still Evergreen...

The Perfect Story: There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

Answer: The perfect woman. She's the only one that really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

A Male's Response: So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

Early in my career as a doctor I went to see a patient who was coming out of anesthesia. Far off church chimes sounded. "I must be in heaven," the woman murmured. Then she saw me. "No, I can't be," she said. "There's Dr. Campbell."

Lenore Campbell, M.D., in Medical Economics.

A butcher watching over his shop is really surprised when he sees a dog coming inside the shop. He shoos him away. But later, the dog is back again. So, he goes over to the dog and notices it has a note in its mouth. He takes the note and it reads "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please". The dog has money in its mouth, as well. The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, there is a ten dollar note there. So he takes the money and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog's mouth.

The butcher is so impressed, and since it's about closing time, he decides to shut the shop and follow the dog. So off he goes. The dog is walking down the street, when it comes to a level crossing; the dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button. Then it waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. They do, and it walks across the road, with he butcher following him all the way. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe as the dog stops a bus by pulling its left leg up and gets in it.

The butcher follows the dog into the bus. Then the dog shows a ticket which is tied to its belt to the bus conductor. The butcher is nearly fainting at this sight, so are the other passengers in the bus. The dog then sits near the driver's seat looking outside waiting for the bus stop to come. As soon as the stop is in sight, the dog stands and wags its tail to inform the conductor. Then, without waiting for the bus to stop completely, it jumps out of the bus and runs to a house very close to the stop. It opens the big Iron Gate and rushes inside towards the door.

As it approaches the wooden door, the dog suddenly changes its mind and heads towards the garden. It goes to the window, and beats its head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts abusing the dog, kicking him and punching him, and swearing at him.

The butcher surprised with this, runs up, and stops the guy. "What in heaven's name are you doing? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for the life of me!", to which the guy responds: "You call this clever? This is the second time this week that this stupid dog's forgotten his key."

Moral of the story:

You may continue to exceed onlooker's expectations but shall always fall short of the boss' expectations. It's dog's life after all...

Vocabulary Feel

What's the difference between
stress,
tension and
panic?

Stress: is when wife is pregnant,
Tension: is when girlfriend is pregnant, and
Panic: is when both are pregnant.

The orignal font was more lively...

LIFE

On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door
of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give
you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be
barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God
agreed.

On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people,
do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life
span." The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I
don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too,
okay?" And God agreed.

On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the
field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves
and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of
sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God
agreed again.

On the forth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and
enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty,
and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the
ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy
ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and
bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

A single woman wants a pet to keep her from being too lonely. She thinks about it for a while, and decides on a talking parrot. She stops by a local pet store on the way home from work a couple days later, and askes the shopkeep for a talking bird. The shopkeep says "Well, we have one, but you don't want it. It only swears and says mean things." The woman tells the shopkeep that she can train the bird to be kinder and not say bad things. The shopkeep laughs thinking the woman to be insane, and gives her a discount for taking the bird off his hands. The woman gets the bird home, and sure enough, it won't stop cussing. She is a little taken back at first, but soon starts to work to get the bird to become more civilized. However, after a couple months of work, there has been no progress with the bird, and the woman is affraid to have guests over because of things the parrot might say. Now, more lonely than ever before, and stuck with a cursing and rude bird, the woman is close to her wit's end. She finally gets so fed up that she needs a moment of quiet. She quickly throws the parrot into the freezer hoping that the bird will cool down a little. At first all she hears are screams of "F*** YOU YOU DIRTY WH*R*!! LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW B*TCH!" All of the sudden the yelling stops. The woman's first though was that the bird has learned it's lesson. This quickly gives way to guilt that she might have actually frozen the bird to death and the woman rushes over to the freezer. When the woman opens the door, she finds the parrot standing there, a little cold, but alive. The parrot slowly looks up at the woman and says
"I'm sorry for all the bad things I've said. I promise not to say any more bad things. I just have one question, could you please tell me what the chicken did?"

Little Billy likes to hang out with a group of boys outside a local quicky mart, even though the boys always make fun of him, saying he is dumber than nails. To prove it, they offer him his choice of a dime or a nickle (10 cents vs 5 cents). Little Billy always takes the nickle. The boys say it is because it is bigger. The store owner sees this all the time, and feels bad that little Billy is being made fun of so much, and wonders if maybe he really doesn't know what is going on. So one day the store owner walks out to Billy after the other boys have left, and asks him "Billy, all the other boys always make fun of you, saying you are too dumb to know that the dime is worth more than the nickle. Is this true that you take the nickle because it's bigger?" Little Billy looks at the shop owner and replies "I know the dime is worth more, but if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it!"

-==================================================-

And now for an old one...

Women are evil proof
First we state that girls require time and money.
girls = time * money

As we all know, "time is money."
time = money

Therefore, after substitution of money for time in the first equation:
girls = time * time = time^2

And because "money is the root of all evil":
money = root(evil)

It follows:
girls = (root(evil))^2

And we can thus, after cancelling out the squared and the square root
conclude that:

girls = evil

-==================================================-

And the version for any other engineers out there...
Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives.

Now, for the first time we have a rigid Mathematical proof that
explains why this is true.

Postulate 1: Knowledge is power.

Postulate 2: Time is money.

Now, as every Engineer knows,

Work
-------- = Power
Time

Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have

Work
-------- = Knowledge
Money

Solving for Money, we get:

Work
------------ = Money
Knowledge

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity,
regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.

Customer: Worcester sauce crisps please
Shopkeeper: Sorry can't, it's off the shelves, cancer scare.
Customer: Oh right, Chinese Chicken Wings?
Shopkeeper: Ah that's the same, Cancer scare
Customer: Hamburger Relish?
Shopkeeper: Cancer scare
Customer: Sausage and Mash?
Shopkeeper: Cancer scare
Customer: Cottage Pie?
Shopkeeper: Yes, ...no wait, Cancer scare.
Customer: So they're all off the shelves because of a Cancer scare?
Shopkeeper: Yes
Customer: (sigh) just give me a packet of fags then.
Shopkeeper: Certainly. £4.50 please.
Customer: Thanks

Two cannibals were eating dinner.
One said: "I really hate my sister."
The other said: "Well, just eat the noodles."

...oldies but goodies...

You Know You're A Newcastle Supporter When ...

1. A Halloween pumpkin has more teeth than your wife does.
2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table infront of her kids.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people."
5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family once died right after saying: "Hey watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. A ceiling fan once ruined your wife's hairdo.
9. You think the last words of God Save The Queen are: "Go Pies."
10. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded, right off its wheels.
11. The market value of your car goes up and down, depending on how much petrol is in it.
12. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
13. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
14. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
15. You think "loaded dishwasher" means your wife is drunk.
16. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
17. Your front verandah collapses and kills more than five dogs.

What do you call an Italian man with a rubber toe?

Roberto

What's blue and comes in Brownies?

Cub Scouts.

The scene took place on a BA flight between Johannesburg and London. A
white woman, about 50 years old, was seated next to a black man.
Obviously disturbed by this, she called the air Hostess.
"Madam, what is the matter," the hostess asked.
"You obviously do not see it then?" she responded.

"You placed me next to a black man. I do not agree to sit next to
someone from such a repugnant group. Give me an alternative seat." "Be
calm please," the hostess replied. "Almost all the places on this flight
are taken. I will go to see if another place is available."

The Hostess went away and then came back a few minutes later. "Madam,
just as I thought, there are no other available seats in the economy
class. I spoke to the captain and he informed me that there is also a
seat in the business class. All the same, we still have one place in the
first class."

Before the woman could say anything, the hostess continued: "It is not
usual for our company to permit someone from the economy class to sit
in the first class. However, given the circumstances, the captain feels
that it would be scandalous to make someone sit next to someone so
disgusting."

She turned to the black guy, and said, "Therefore, Sir, if you would
like to, please collect your hand luggage, a seat awaits you in first
class."

At that moment, the other passengers who were shocked by what they had
just witnessed stood up and applauded.

Whats the French word for "dentures"?

Aperitif!