My Week - Trucking In Germany

Some of you may know what its like when you get into a thread on the www that you should really let go sooner rather than later, well last weekend I should have let go but didn?t, I stayed and made a point? what a mistake, not that me having my point of view was a mistake, but for not letting go, there happened to be a deep knock on effect behind my mistake; that being (and bear with me on this, it will take a while)? here in Germany we have a driving ban on Sundays (ending at 22:00) that I have flaunted for years, yes, I freely admit to being a criminal, I usually set off down the road 20 minutes earlier than I am allowed to, but last week I didn?t, I set off for the Frankfurt area legally on-time. Now this obviously does not put me in the same league as Ronnie and Reggie but it would get me past the bottleneck at ?Kasseler Berge?!!!

(For those not in the know, Kassel is a town on the Autobahn 7 which runs from the North to the South of Germany, Kassel is smack in the middle of a set of hills (hill in German being ?Berg? many hills being ?Berge? ? pronounced Berger hence Kasseler Berge- still with me?))

Unfortunately, on this set of hills the German Authorities have decided to place ?nonchalantly? (in my opinion) over-taking bans for trucks, thus causing mega convoys behind the slowest truck (normally being of East European origin and burning in place of diesel some concoction of meths and tar!!!), but by beating the slowest to Kassel, I usually manage to get a free run over the hills without the stress of slow moving, overloaded ?Eastie-Beasties? crawling along the slow lane. But no? last Sunday I stayed at my PC until it was too late. I hit the hills at the worst possible time, the weather was bad, there was no moon, it was chucking it down with H²0 and the ?Wacky Races? had begun with me in the starting line up? Now I pride my self with having bottle but when you are driving a truck that is limited to below ?The Norm? life becomes difficult. I was getting boxed in, my safety zone was being compromised, and doing 90k?s an hour with an idiot 2 metres off your rear end with another wanting to fill that gap that you have just built before you aint much fun. I couldn?t take it, bottle gone, I stopped, I actually pulled over and phoned the wife looking for a bit of normality in the torrent of madness, it took 20 minutes to calm my nerves and I set off again? 30 minutes later I was in another parking area but this time I was pulling my curtains closed? muttering half heartily things like ? ?it?s not worth it?, ?the load can wait?, ?I?ll still make it after a break?, I set my alarm for an 8 hour break and switched all thoughts off, hoping to hit the realms of peace, tranquillity and sanity in sleep. I woke up after 6 hours needing to pee after all the coffee I had drunk in the belief it would help me stay calm driving, well that was that, no chance of getting back to sleep and not worth continuing my journey until I had completed a legal/sensible break, it was time to ?hurry up and wait?!

Eventually I set off again, a quick glance at the mileage that I had already completed told me that my boss would probably think that I was extracting the Michael by taking such a long break so early into a run. I still had 14 drops to complete in 2 days, I was behind schedule even before I had managed my first tip, not for the first time over the next 2 days I began to think that I should have made more effort to reach my first customer in 1 go instead of pushing out the ZZZZ?ds in bed. The first 2 customers went a charm, I used a few tricks that I had seen seasoned drivers use and was soon on my way again. The next drop was to a customer who is a renowned pain in the neck by the other drivers of the company I work for, but I had been there a few times before and had already ?primed? the warehouse staff with pens and goodies that I had nicked from the bosses stationary cupboard, after jumping the queue I was beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel, unfortunately for me that light was fate with a torch bringing me more problems. Things were going just too well. I turned up at my next customer only to find ? to my dismay? that there were a load of trucks waiting to offload and every off-loading bay empty!!! No trucks on the ramps and no drivers in sight, it was puzzling until I walked into the ?Warenannahme? (Warehouse office) there were all the drivers to be found behind the fog of fag smoke, waiting patiently for their paperwork to be completed, as sods law would have it, we had all managed to turn up one behind the other at more or less the same time, only the poor lass behind the counter was stuck with a naff computer that couldn?t cope and perhaps better described as an abacus rather than a computer. Anyway, after a long wait and hearing loads of boring stories of fictitious idiots that various drivers have known over the years (been there, done that, got the T shirt etc etc) I finally get off loaded and I set off for my next drop, no probs there, off loaded and I was away again. I knew I wouldn?t make the next one but I had to go there anyway to reserve my place in the queue for the next day, I was only 3 drops down on the forecasted plan, not really a problem as I knew that I could still manage the rest of my load the next day? no probs. Wrong. I had a normal day until I reached my last customer, I arrived just after lunch, great I thought, I?ll grab a coffee and off-load in slow time? only the warehouse staff had other ideas? damn. ?Not today Mac? one calls across, ?we are too busy. Can you come back tomorrow?? Double damn. I knew I was supposed to be in Leipzig the next day on a new run, it was time to call the boss and let her know the score.

I am lucky to have an understanding woman for a boss (who aint bad looking to boot), she said in her easy manner that it was no problem as she had planned to give me Friday off anyway (thanks for telling me? not) so there was room to play, I would just have to set off a day later for Leipzig and work the planned day off. It was time to think what might have happened if I had got to my first drop in 1 hit, instead of sleeping? again.

Wednesday went more or less to plan; I turned up back at the yard empty in the evening, I swapped my empty trailer for a loaded one and went home for a 45-minute break. Re-armed with sandwiches and coffee I set off for on my next run and arrived at my destination without any mishaps only to be told by ?God? a.k.a. the gatekeeper that I was a day late? I, of all people knew I was a day late and didn?t need to be quizzed by a ?Jobs-Worth? who kept me waiting outside in the rain until he was satisfied that i was worthy of his attention... wanker, didn't need that after a long day.

My Leipzig run was meant to last for 2 days, but, as I know my way around Leipzig I got it all off in one day and I felt I was set to get my day off after all (yippee). I set off for home, knowing that I only had to get as far as Helmstedt (former East/West border) to complete the hours needed to fill my tacho and leave me with a gentle stroll home for Friday.

Finding myself bored, I gave Paddy (the only other Brit driver who drives for the same firm) a quick shout, basically to gloat that I was getting Friday off. It was at this point everything went sour. Paddy tells me that because ?somebody? never finished their Frankfurt run on time, his run got delayed and he was now behind schedule? even before I opened my mouth I was thinking ?sod him? go home? its Friday? only I found myself saying ?Where are you mate? Oh that?s not far, lets meet up and cross load some of your problems??? How the hell did that happen I was thinking, followed by ?What would have happened if I had got to my first drop on time? again, again.

Friday went without a hitch? if you call working, instead of a day off ?without a hitch? and I was happy to get home late Friday afternoon vowing not to get drawn into another point of view on Britboard.de just before I?m due to start work on a Sunday night again.

The only cloud on the horizon is that I got a text from the fleet manager telling me that there are some new forms to be filled out concerning the daily running of the vehicles. Ho hum, what new scheme as that idiot thought up now? ? I?ll let you know next week.

Wow
You don't have many boring days do you ! Respect for all the truckies i must say, you do a good job in bad conditions and crappy hours. Me sat at my desk in the warm and good working hours should be very !
have a relaxing weekend !

Thank-you for your comment Craig, many people just look at trucks as polluters and their drivers as serial killers (mentioning no names...George).
It’s nice to receive a bit of recognition for a job that wont suit everybody

Blimey! and I thought it was stressful having two ankle biters to cope with! Respect to all the truckers out there coping with the mad and kamikaze drivers Hope you have a better time of it next week Slackmack!

Next week is set to run along the same lines, 2 days Würzburg/Frankfurt Area, then home Tuesday early evening for an hour before setting off for Berlin for another 2 days, friday as yet not planned in.

But you know what they say Sandra, a bad day at the beach is better than a good day at work!

wow makes my desk sitting job a bit boring then...
if you are anytime in the Hagen NRW area come for a coffee...

Milk 2 sugars

just got mine in front of me

If you thought last week was hectic by your standards, wait to hear about this week…

As per usual I set off Sunday night about 21.30, and I gotta admit to thinking that I had made a mistake and set off a day early , the traffic was so light that I was semi convinced that it wasn’t a Sunday night at all. After a litre of coffee and about 4 hours driving, I arrived at my first drop for Monday morning, after a quick scan through the paperwork I was in bed for 02:00, got up again just after 7:30 busting for a pee… well that’s the cause and effect for you… drink the flask empty and wake up needing!
To say it was cold in Gemünden would be an understatement; lets just say it was bad enough to make a brass monkey nervous . 1st drop went sweet as a nut, 2nd drop was down in Würzburg, not so good… staff at the shop were not due to start work for another hour, and refused to sign for a single package coz it wasn’t their job! So bollox to that, I signed the freight note myself and buggered off. I hate that, useless jobs-worths attitude. My 3rd drop was also in Würzburg, I was kinda hoping to get there early enough to catch the bakers van who delivers there for the breakfast break, but I didn’t make it, still I got my 1st coffee of the day out of the vending machine… great, not. The next 3 drops around Aschaffenburg were no problem, only getting there was, it had only started to snow enroute and the car drivers were either going too slow or too fast for the conditions, either way they were in my way. But I got through without getting stressed. I spent the night at Dietzenbach supping red wine out of my coffee mug, watching a DVD and listening to the night heater throbbing away before getting my head down.

My main customer in Dietzenbach is quite good to me, there is an Irishman who runs the lager and gives me free access to his coffee machine (yippee). I was looking forward to a nice fresh brew to start the day with, I actually woke up in quite a good mood, revved up and rearing to go, only when I woke up the cause and effect of the wine was making its self known! Trousers on, T shirt and flip flops and outta the cab to do what needs to be done only when I shut the truck door behind me to keep the warmth in, the bastard central locking system locked itself with me on the outside and the keys in the ignition! By this time Tuesday morning the rain had taken care of the snow, but it still wasn’t pleasant being locked out in said attire in winter. So, I broke in, in about 3 minutes flat, no damage to truck and me just a wee bit niffed at how easy I got into my locked truck, if I could break in so easy, so could anyone else. Made a mental post-it to do something about that.
At each of the rest of my customers for that day there was loads of waiting time, and naturally I was getting a wee bit pissed off because I knew that I had to get empty early on Tuesday. I got my last drop off in Wächtersbach just after 4, phoned the boss to let her know that I was empty and to ask where I was going next. Come back she says, I’ve got an easy run for you to Berlin… now there is no such thing as an easy run to Berlin because the first customer in Berlin starts at 5 in the morning. That means I have 13 hours to get there, so that’s 4 hours home, 1.5 hours refuelling/swapping trailers etc, 1.5 hours at home to collect fresh pot of coffee/sarnies, perform the 3 S’s and eat and then 5 hours drive to Berlin. Leaving me a grand total of 1 hour spare to fit an 11-hours rest period!!! Now unless I can bend the laws governing the dimensions of the space time continuum, which, lets face it, I cant, and if I could, I wouldn’t use it to get to Berlin so I could offload at pissin 5 in the morning. Lets just say it was a short night in bed!

At 5 in the morning after only 1 hour kip I am not at my most politest to say the least, I mean, who is? It was a case to just get on with the job in hand, and the last thing I needed was a stroppy “lagerist�, “Do this, do that, I want it this way, I want it that way� Grrrrr, but I ignored the twat for 2 reasons, the first being I was too tired to argue, the second was because of his thick “Dunkle Deutschland� accent, buggered if I could make out more than three words in ten, he did inform me that there was some damaged stock to be returned which will be given to me after I had offloaded, only he wasn’t about when I had finished, so I did a runner, well I had waited half an hour for him and he wasn’t about so its his own fault in my opinion.
As I’m off loading at my second drop I get a call from someone out of our traffic office telling me to go back to the 1st drop or they will dispose of the damaged stock in the bin! Maybe another driver would have gone back, but I think I confused the poor sod by saying “No�, I don’t think he understood, he wasn’t used to being put in a situation of open rebellion ha ha bollox to him, maybe next time he will ask me instead of telling me to do something. I didn’t go back, I took a run to the Polish border at Frankfurt/Oder and Eisenhuttenstadt disposing of the freight pretty sharpish before heading back to Berlin, that’s when disaster happened… I got pulled by the bag! No, that is not anything to do with my gonads or an ugly prossy , the bag or should I say B.A.G (Bündes Amt für Güterverkehr a.k.a. Bündes Autobahn Gestapo) is the equivalent of the Ministry of Transport back home. To cut a long story short I’ll be getting a fine through the post, the officer allowed me to drive away to my next customer as it was only 8 km’s away but I was instructed to stay there, 4 hours later!!! And 3 more customers I was empty and setting off for home (so much for staying there), a quick phone call to the boss revealed that Thursday wasn’t planned as yet so I could come back in my own time.

Arrived back on the yard just after lunch Thursday, I had stopped at our workshops on the way and explained that I wanted a door locking devise that I had designed constructed and fitted. The main reason for wanting a more secure environment is because a friend of a friend got gassed this week in France, so even if I do get gassed, no one will be able to break in as easily as I had.

It was now that I found the new forms from The Fleet Manager, he has really got to get a life; you lot will not believe what he came up with...

As said last week, I got an sms telling me to pick up some new forms at work, well nought wrong with that me thinks quite normal but was thinking what has that twat thought up now, so when I got a chance I checked my pigeon hole, I couldn’t believe what he had come up with, he had actually made up a Health and Safety sheet (laminated) telling us what to do in the case of an emergency while on the road, who to ring… and where the emergency exits are!!! For crying out loud it’s a soddin truck, and I know where the exits are, I’m not likely to get lost in the cab am I?
There was also a checklist of things to do at the beginning of every working day, there were at least 40 boxes to tick off, indicator left, indicator right, brake lights etc etc. these had to be filled out and signed every day, I’m sorry but I’m a truck driver not a airline pilot, this is surely taking safety to the point of absurdity. I gave all forms to the boss and asked her if she could put her manager on a shorter leash… this was the first that she had heard about these new regulation, it was quite funny seeing her trying to stifle a laugh at the ludicrousness of it, I left it all with her, bollixed if I was going to do all that shite everyday.

In the office nothing was mentioned about me leaving stuff behind in Berlin and I gave them the good news about the fine… after all they will be paying it. I was told to go home and phone in about 4 to see if my load is ready for Leer (North Germany near Dutch border), come 4 O’clock I phone up to be told the load is not ready so I will be running around in a Sprinter between our two sites in the same village, bliss I thought, should be home for Friday lunch. Wrong. Three minutes later the phone goes again, this is where the bad news comes in, you always know it’s going to be bad news when they say a “slight� change in plan, or a “small deviation to the schedule�. It makes no odds how they dress it up, if its small… you can bet your arse that it’s fucking huge. “Straubing� she says, “Whoa, did you just say Straubing? The Straubing in Bayern? The Straubing that is 8 hours away? You gotta be having a laugh� she wasn’t, it was a fastball that she didn’t even know about until the last minute, bollox. So much for “slight� huh. So its late Thursday afternoon and I’m heading out again, the only thing positive was that the load was light, less than 500kg in fact, so that was it, I was climbing those big hills past Kassel and down through Hessen at almost full pelt, I was going past all the trucks stuck behind the Easty Beasties struggling to climb those hills, crossed the “Weisswürstgrenze� and into Bayern, got my head down at about 10.

When I got up in the morning, I left the door open while I was outside for “needs�.

There are always loads and loads of trucks heading for the Austrian border down towards Passau, now I may be light, but I aint that fast on the flat, not slow either but slow enough to piss off a driver who seemed to think that his 1 metre per minute greater speed entitled him to overtake me, after all I am sooooooo slow:blink:, I hate that, they start to overtake and then sit beside you for 10 minutes crawling past, I got the opinion that he had actually leased the overtaking lane and wasn’t actually intending to come past at all. It’s annoying, but I slowed to let him past, after all its not good press for truck drivers to sit side by side for ages blocking traffic. And when the wanker did get past, after I had let him back in, I had to slow down even more to build up some sort of safety zone in front of me, thus causing the truck behind me to think that I am really slow so he starts to overtake, only I speed up again when I have attained my “abstand� leaving said truck stranded in outside land, so I slow again to allow him past… anything for a calm conscience. But what happens at the first sign of a gradient, they both slow, so I fly past as if empty and on the other side of the hill it all starts all over again! Some days you wonder why you get out of bed!

I eventually got home 08:00 Saturday morning, after 850 litres of diesel and over 2,500 kms in one week. Already refueled and ready to start all over again tomorrow night.

There must be an easier way to get out of helping with the housework

OMG! I was shattered just reading that all! Makes my job as a mum and childminder seem easy...can I ask...do you actually like your job?

I've been doing it now for just over 12 years with this company, so i must get something out of it... cant be the money coz I'm married

I like being my own boss... well as far as that is possible, I get left alone to get on with the job and thats the way I want it to stay. If i got a new boss who wasn't as easy going as Monica, i guess I would give it up and try something easier... house husband maybe nawwww, on second thoughts maybe not.

Slackmack, what happens when the toll for lorries finally gets up and running? Does it come out of your own pocket? Do you just pass the charge on? Have you fitted the hardware into your cab? Will the Sunday ban still exist?

I was watching a report yesterday about the Toll Collect fiasco and how there are thousands of new BAG employees driving around in their sparkling new minibuses with the latest high-tech equipment with bugger all to do. What a disaster!

The Sunday ban is here to stay, thank heavens or we would be expected to forego our Sunday roast and gravey

Yeah I got the sensor fitted, the control box is the same size as a radio and sits along my CB, but I've covered it over with black tape coz it keeps crashing and wont switch off when I stop and the light is bloody annoying at night.

When i stated I like being my own boss, I meant not having anyone tell me what to do and how to do it. I'm not self employed so the charge wont come out of my pocket, it will come out of yours , the charge used to be €8 per day, now its €8 per hour, I cant see any trucking company swallowing that. As trucks deliver everything (babies being the only exception ), you can expect the price of everything to go up.

Hi Slack,

I don't suppose you know a Lancastrian truck driver called Graham? Works for Amoric, out of Plymouth; used to work for WF Miners...?

I only ask 'cos he's over here a lot (although mainly in France these days) and he's my stepdad.

We dont touch France, we used to sell our product there but the frogs wouldn't pay unless you took them to court. Best left alone.

I come across very few Brits from home, I see alot of them, I just seem to be going the wrong way when I do.

It is certainly that.

The full LKW Maut will now not start until the beginning of 2006 but with a “light version� starting at the beginning of 2005.

The Toll Collect consortium submitted new dates to the transport minister on Tuesday.

Federal Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder welcomed the new schedule. Such a stage solution is justifiable, said Schroeder in Magdeburg. It makes sense to begin with a first version.

Federal Minister of Transport Manfred Stolpe wants to negotiate still further with Toll Collect.

Toll Collect has doubts about their own schedule for the introduction of the Maut reported the Saarbrücker newspaper. Stolpe must examine the offer further, said its speaker in Berlin. In the next meeting of traffic and budget committee on 11 February Stolpe will then present the result and will make an evaluation of possible alternatives Five "conceivable" alternatives are to be debated in the Ministry. Among them is the re-establishment of the Eurovignette, the conversion of the collection system with other partners and the Austrian model.

New penalties have been agreed against Toll Collect. Exceeding the new dates will result in the consortium paying monthly contractual penalties of 40 million euro in the first stage and 70 million in the second stage. At present they pay 7.5 million euro a month.

The late introduction of the toll means duty losses in the traffic budget of approximately €2.2 billion in 2004.

Not such a stressful week this week, although I would say it was interesting in its own way.

Set off as per usual Sunday night, it was to be an easy run down to Gründau-Lieblos (near Hanau), offload the lot at 10 when the shop opens and then run home again, swap trailers and go back down to the Hanau area.

On the way back on Monday I was just leaving the BAB7 and moving onto the BAB44 at Kassel when I see loads of vehicles with hazard warning lights flashing in front of me , I move over into the left hand lane as far as I could go (its 2 lanes with hard-shoulder at this point) and slowed to join the “Stau�, as I was slowly going past the traffic that had already stopped in the right hand lane when one old bugger in a car already at stand still turns and starts yelling at me and waving his hand in front of his face and pointing at me and my truck . I stopped just past him, quite near the front close to the accident site; it was then I noticed that the helicopter had already landed on the closed Autobahn, a silver Porsche was buried in the trees on the left, and an artic was on its side in the trees on the right. It was just about now that the sirens came and started cutting a lane through the middle of the traffic, but they couldn’t get between me and the twat who was quick to give me abuse, and why? Because he wasn’t in his car , the paramedics had to wait until he moved his car to make a space for the ambulances.
Seeing that we are going to be sitting there for a while I get out to have a word with the old bugger, I approached him keeping eye contact the whole way , and asked him what his problem was, he tried telling me that I was making a mistake by using the left lane as it would hinder the emergency services attempt to reach the crash site!!! It was at this point that I cut him off and asked him which idiot did actually cause a delay to the siren blasting traffic, namely him. I proceeded to ask him what right did he think he had, insinuating I was stupid just because he did not like what I was doing, I informed him that he should concentrate on his own actions and not those of others. After I call him a “Blödmann� and turn my back he says quickly in German “I heard that�, as if I was bothered, ha, I then get really in his face just so there is no misunderstanding and said it again, slowly and clearly… there is not much that winds me up quicker than being insulted by a complete stranger over the standard of my driving.

I got home 2 hours later than I should have, but it made no odds as I was doing a quick turn around and heading back down to Langenselbold.
Tuesday was great, I only managed 3 customers due to excessive waiting times, but I got to watch loads of DVD’s on my laptop whilst waiting. I called in the massive disruption to the running schedule to my boss and requested an extra day to do the run, which I got and my next run was re-scheduled for another driver to do. I didn’t want to go to Braunschweig and across The Harz anyway, it wasn’t something I was looking forward to when I knew the snow was coming, poor Gebby was welcome to it.

Wednesday and Thursday were relative non-events, got back Thursday afternoon, put the truck through the truckwash (its exactly like a carwash but on a bigger scale), swapped trailers again and went home for an hour or so before setting off for Bad Segeberg. It only started snowing as soon as I set off from Paderborn and I was pretty lucky to get past Bad Eilsen on the BAB2 just before it became Germany’s biggest skidpan for the next 14 hours.
The snow just kept coming down and at one point I couldn’t see the edges of the autobahn let alone the lane markings, it was bad but I was still moving, that is until I got to Hamburg where things became… well to say they were bad is like saying the Pope is slightly catholic! The whole road surface on the BAB1 was covered in thick ice. It took me a good kilometre to come to a stand still safe and sound, although I had to utilise the 3rd lane to do it safely, the cars had started to manoeuvre and brake in front of me out of the fast lane. I ended up sitting there absolutely hours, at one point the coppers forced a gap between the middle and fast lane and stopped by me stuck grid locked in the 3rd lane and proceeded to enlighten me that I’m not allowed to use the 3rd lane under any circumstances in a truck of my size, he was politely informed to check his facts first, I am allowed to use it in emergencies, and believe me the fabric of my underwear was nearly tested to the limit which to me qualifies as an emergency . It took me 13 hours to do what would normally be a 4-hour trip; I spent the rest of Friday offloading in Bad Segeburg, Lübeck, HH-Stapelfeld and Buchholz in der Nordheide. The return leg was practically snow free, but I was totally shattered and stopped early for the night and got back Saturday morning. Managed to stop by the workshops and get the door chains fitted that I had requested last week, swapped trailers again for a loaded one and set off for the tankstelle to refuel, it was there I got the bad news… we no longer get free coffee after filling up with diesel grrrrrrrrrrr. Never mind it was the weekend and I was going home.

I’m off to Rheine, Lingen, Altjürden, Posthausen, Bremen and Cloppenburg areas on Monday to Wednesday, Thursday is planned for Berlin on a 1 day run and Friday back to Hamburg for another 1 day run.

As per normal, I set off Sunday night and went on my merry way to cause havoc in my own peculiar way to the Ostfriesland, only this week I’ve got my brother with me who is visiting for a week or so . Monday went very well and we managed to get loads more off than was originally planned enabling us to visit one of my favourite places for over-night refreshment. I don’t know if anyone knows Wilhelmshaven (Hey girls the shopping is fantastic, get your fella to take you there – Mrs Mac), but in Wilhelmshavens’ suburbs, Roffhausen can be found and there is a small welcoming hotel called Roffhauser Hof where the beer just seems to slide down just toooooo easily!

Got up Tuesday reaching for the paracetamol and after a hefty breakfast and much black coffee we set off on our way again. Tuesday had no significant incidents and as we were well up on our time schedule I took a detour to Bremerhaven to visit a mate and drop off a set of Irish Euros for his kids collection. I got most of Wednesdays work sorted by close of play Tuesday so phoned in a progress report to the boss, she was happy enough to swap my Thursday run from Berlin to Leipzig as I had more time to play with now than Paddy who had been planned in to do Leipzig and was having problems with the Schwabens (which, even though it sounds like it is not an infection ).

Got up Wednesday morning reaching for the paracetamol again (it’s always the same when my brother is here, there is always something to celebrate; I think we were celebrating the anniversary of a pint of milk going off in the fridge!) Got back home Wednesday afternoon and got set preparing to hit Leipzig, well actually we were preparing to hit the bottle again as my brother had brought some English sparkling wine across with him for me to try. I had heard that it is better than most French Champagnes due to the sourness of the sun starved grapes grown in the UK. But firstly we had to get to Leipzig, which turned out to be easier said than done.

To drive from Paderborn to Günthersdorf (west Leipzig), it usually takes me 4 hours and 40 minutes, but that’s only if I don’t get caught in a jam and keep the pedal to the metal (AHHHHHHHH mental Post-it: I must stop using phrases from Kris Kristopherson’s Convoy).

Now, if and when I intend to overtake another truck I wont bother unless I can fly past it without causing cars to stack up behind me, I hate it when there are only two lanes and there are two trucks driving side by side for miles on end with one making little progress on the other. The speed limit for trucks over here is 80kph although we all do 90 as standard, anyway, I was overtaking this other truck going down hill and my speed was in excess of a ton to enable me to get out, past and back in again in as little time as possible. But unfortunately I upset a Porsche driver who had to drop his speed from warp factor X, not my fault; he was just a speck on the horizon when I pulled out into his lane and he showed his view of my driving skills with a one finger wave, GRRRRRRRR that really pisses me off. The twat then proceeded to do something completely stupid, something I have had done to me before by a Mercedes driver, its when an upset car driver pulls in front of me and slams his brakes on to slow me down as retaliation because I slowed him down, although my action was accidental, his was deliberate, but as said, I have had this done to me before and I reacted in a way I swore I would if some bastard dinky toy driver ever tried to impose his will over me again in such a way. Instead of braking behind him I kept my pace on and swerved onto the hard shoulder level with him then proceeded to pull back into my lane while he was still in it . This is where fundamental physics take effect; a fully laden artic doing a ton plus cannot occupy the same space in time as a light sports car doing 80, hence sports car moves… and bloody damn quick at that.

Now this is not a good advertisement for trucks, and most certainly not professional, but if a prick who is too stupid to realise that his pride and joy dinky toy of a car with the stability of an empty coke can is not the sort of thing that should be used to test the brakes or the stability of a solid steel bumper with tons of momentum behind it. If he tries it then said prick deserves to have the fabric of his underwear tested to the smelly limit!

Be warned, do not attempt to do what this driver did because some trucks can’t slow so quickly, and some drivers just wont bother, this appears to be a new trend to slow a truck down to show dissatisfaction but I doubt that git will try that again in a hurry.

We got to Leipzig without further incidents and after I had got parked up my brother had just loosened the wire on the bottle when it exploded and sprayed the entire inside of my cab… grrrrrrreeeeeeat, not.

With the help of my brother we got offloaded in double quick time and was enroute for home before lunch. On the way home I got a call from the fleet manager moaning about something and nothing which got me thinking of stupid little childish things I could do to make his life more… lets say eventful shall we! One idea I had was to put washing up liquid concentrate in his windscreen wash, but that escalated to what colour food dye could we put in, I mean the truck is bright white, the colour schemes were definitely amusing to our mischievous minds, I think we stopped after I came up with the idea of putting unset hot jelly mix in the windscreen wash… we couldn’t top that.

Got back Thursday afternoon, swapped trailers pronto, refuelled with coffee as well as diesel, fed our faces and set off for Buchholz in der Nordheide (Hamburg), got there at about 9 at night and settled down to some NON sparkling red wine and a DVD. Friday went without a hitch, got the lot off and was already heading back down the BAB7 for home before lunch. Got back, done the usual end of the week things such as hand in tacho’s and work/time/expense sheets, refuel again, swap trailers again, and headed home knowing that the weekend was mine.

Blimey! Does your wife ever see you?

And if she doesn't can Sandra???

Please ignore the last posting Slackmack, I think its called projection!!
I'll have you know Carolyn, I'm a happily married woman thanks!!
but not averse to a quick lech at a half naked trucker!!

Not if i see her first

As I got a reminder last week for being late with my weekly update, I thought I would get in there a wee bit earlier this week, after all it was a short week … for me anyway.

Now let me see, what did I do last Sunday night? I guess I was setting off to where I needed to go, not that that is any surprise is it? Its become so ingrained in my system that I start work Sunday night that I get so tired Sunday afternoon that I have to lie down for a few hours in preparation for the oncoming night shift. Only this time it was only two and a half hours down the road and not a full night before I reached my 1st customer. I could have set off early Monday morning, but I have discovered that I can’t sleep properly Sunday night if I know I have to get up early … and before any of you pervs out there read more into that than there is, I do mean, “getting up� as in waking up! :$

I’m glad I did set off Sunday night when I did because after reaching my customer, I climbed out of my truck after parking up I ended up flat on my arse due to the thin sheet of hard slippery black ice (are we still allowed to call it that or is it pigment challenged ice?) . Then the snow started coming down and not 20 minutes later there was a thick layer of snow covering everything. I was definitely chuffed to rocks I wasn’t still driving along the autobahn, certainly not with the hills I had just been climbing. I ended up going to sleep wondering how long the jam will be for the poor sods trying to get to work along the BAB5 in the morning… but not for too long.

The next morning the snow was still there but had frozen which actually gave reasonably good grip so there was to be no repeat performance of me getting cosy with the tarmac. Got offloaded at my first customer easily without mishap and set off for the next having a good look at all the traffic on the BAB5 heading (but not very fast, unless you’re a snail of course) towards Frankfurt. Second drop was also without drama, but the third asked me if I was delivering patience because I was going to need some due to the EDV being offline! Fan-bleeding-tastic, I did manage to offload his stock but unfortunately that was after a long wait leaving the working day written off. I drove to my next customer that just happens to be the Zentrallager (central warehouse) only to be met by a full truck park grrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeat, not! It seemed the warehouse is served by the same EDV and some drivers had been there all day with nothing better to do than watching the grass grow.

I eventually got away from that place midday Tuesday and I can confirm that the grass is growing very slowly! I then proceeded to get six customers off in one afternoon, well there wasn’t much waiting time at my other customers due to most of the delivery trucks all being caught at the same customer at the same time hearing the same excuse! “EDV ausgefallen. Bitte warten�. Admittedly I was in a bit of a rush by this time and when that happens I tend to raise my sarcasm levels to about 3 inches above any poor sods head who feels they are important enough to hinder me . I pulled into the Globus Baumarkt at Hosbach near Aschaffenburg when a short arsed, ugly, specky, spotty, loud mouthed 7.5 tonner driver calls out in kraut that I had no chance of offloading until he was loaded , (just to explain a small point here, the average 7.5 tonner driver is one step removed from a Neanderthal, they are never quite sure if they are “White Van Man� or a rufty tufty truck driver. They have a tendency to push-in in queues, drive at dangerous speeds in bad weather conditions; decorate their vehicles with loads of reflectors and flags and drive around on sidelights and front fogs. They are easily recognisable by their cowboy boots, leather waistcoat and baseball cap, they usually refer to themselves as truckers, only the difference between one of these truckers and a lorry driver is that the lorry driver has a licence to drive trucks and the trucker doesn’t!!! These people are not respected in the transport industry as a whole but I digress…. Now where was I? Ah yes…) so I offloaded my truck myself, took the load into their warehouse got the paperwork signed and strolled out again past the specky git, hmmmm I thought, time to give him my opinion on his opinion by asking him “Why there is always a useless jumped up short arsed twat with a big mouth who has no idea what’s going on giving orders?� it was too far over his head , he had to ask me who I meant! Good grief! Well that was my only excitement for that day; I should have thanked him for making a contribution to my otherwise dull day.

Wednesday started off with me satisfying my system with free coffee in Dietzenbach, as I was drinking my first coffee of the day and boiling the kettle to make up a flask to take with me, Danny (Chief lagerist, Irish and general good guy) was reloading the coffee machine again for the next round and for those who missed out on the first. As the coffee percolator wheezed and coughed a few guys came into the kitchen for coffee but seeing none ready left again, a few minutes later my flask was ready and I left their kitchen walking past those waiting for a refill or their first mug of the day telling them that “the coffee was through but there aint much left� waving my litre flask at them insinuating that I had taken most of it, I hadn’t of course but they all jumped up and ran for the kitchen leaving the only 2 comfy chairs for Danny and I to sit in.

I left Dietzenbach and set off for Wetzlar, visiting Wettenberg, Marburg and Stadtallendorf before setting off for home, got back to Paderborn quite late, refuelled swapped trailers for a loaded one and went home for a short break. After a quick shower, feeding my face and checking what was new on britboard.de, I grabbed my refilled flask and nosebag and set off for Leipzig, getting there without incident (other than having to stop on the hard shoulder for a pee due to too much coffee) at about 03:30. Started offloading at 6 and managed to get Thursday and Fridays work done by mid-afternoon Thursday, set off for home and phoned in a progress report to my boss who gave me Friday off, she’s a great believer in rewarding a quick worker and not penalising one with more work which is only counter productive in the long run.

Friday was great, I had a long lie-in , bacon and brown sauce rolls for breakfast before starting my easy working day at about 2 in the afternoon, refuelled, swapped trailers and when home again.

Next week:
I’m going back to Hessen again, only for 2 days this time instead of 3, but I bet it runs into 3 due to not enough time being planned on the projected time allowance on the tour list. I’ll just have to wait and see if I’m right or wrong.

I just love to read your stories, just like everybody else on this board.

It´s becoming an obsession now... that I´m looking at every Truck Driver when I´m on the Motorway, in case it´s you. Do you actually drive around this end of the world? Because I´m beginning to get a sore neck and my driving is becomming pretty dangerous as once I spy a truck I have to overtake and have a look if it´s you.
On the Question my Cousin once asked me: "What would you do if you would pass him on the Motorway?" I said: "I have no Idear but I´m sure I will think of something when the time comes!" her answer to that was: " I bloody hope that I wont be there then because you would probably get us all killed.!

So if you ever see a little red Corsa from Hamm with a strangely behaveing Female in it, it´s probably me.

I sometimes get into Möbel Turflon which is near to you and I also get to the Hammer Markt.

I used to work in Hamm, that was about 15 years ago. Is there a pub called Melodies still there and an Imbiss called Ruprect (sp?)

Hi Slackmack,
I was told that about 6 years ago the Pub "Melodie" still exsisted. I dont know if it´s still there now. Apparently it´s on the outskirts of Hamm. (Werler Straße-?)

If "Ruprecht" is still there I dont know, as nobody knows of it, but I´ll keep asking.

I was waitressing last night at a function in Stockum (that´s outside of Werne-maybe you know that area) and I met some English bloke that used to be stationed in the Barraks in Hamm, about 17 years ago. Sorry never asked his name but I´ll be working there again on the 6th of March, I gather he lives in that area and I´ll ask him then and let you know.

Well have a good week!!!

That imbiss could be called "Ruppertz" it was next to a sex shop on the Werler Str.

I'll keep an eye out for you as I will be in Hamm on Thursday afternoon, I'll be going to Türflon and the Hammer Markt in Heesen (next to Möbel Boss), I drive a big white Scania topliner sattelzug (MAC name plate in the windscreen) with a red and white trailer on Lippe kfz (LIP).

Slack, why don't take a picture of your truck an pop it onto the board.

It'll probably help Mickey and others from the fan club turning the ABs into hunt the truck rallys, with confused little Krautis wondering why the silly bitch on the middle lane can't get past the truck without waving an blowing kisses.

now that is a good idea Mick

Hey Mick, that´s a great Idear, saves me driving around and harassing poor defenceless Truck drivers!

Sex Shop ? Of course, Men orientate them selves on Pubs, Petrol stations and Sex Shops. Sorry I forgot.

... yes but isn't it amazing how sex shops make so much profit ... ask people if they go INTO them and they will deny it ...

(sorry to go off topic :$ )

Ian (never been in a sex shop) (no , really , I haven't) (no , not even once)

I have thought about posting a pic of my truck, but as my weekly episodes are about my job it might not be a good idea to advertise who my unfortunate employer is

I have been in sex shops but never on my own, I have always been in one with the wife. She has a wicked sense of humour and totaly embarresses me by holding up the biggest "toy" in the place and shouts across to the assistant "does this vibrate?". she then asks anyone else in the shop if they can recommend any product

Ok it is quite funny from a 3rd persons point of view, but being there when she is in a funny mood can be hell :$

You could use some picture editing software (paint?) and just blank out the company names maybe?

If i could get the pic i have under 20kb i could post it... by the time i finish with it it may look like a dinky toy

I set off on my run last Sunday night as accustomed, only I set off a bit earlier than usual because I wanted to get through the Kassel bottleneck and over the hills without any significant hold ups, that, and I would arrive earlier at my first drop hence earlier into bed, nothing like planning your working day with bed in mind is there? My first drop was taking me into the vicinity of Aschaffenburg, to a small town called Schöllkrippen, for those that know Schöllkrippen, you will know that it is really in the back of beyond, beautiful countryside it may be, but the roads were not intended for us big boys to play on… come to that, nor were they intended for foxes to play on either consequently bump bump, voila, speed hump fox. I get no satisfaction in killing wildlife; I’m afraid it’s an occupational hazard, I’ve lost count of the amount of kamikaze pigeons that have dive-bombed me to end their lives in a cloud of feathers. I've had a wild boar meet an unfortunate end crossing my path to, its sad really that the only live wild pig I have ever seen was for a split second before its disappearance under my bumper. The worst thing that has had enough of life (or simple just lost count of it’s lives) and thrown its self under my wheels is your communal garden cat; years ago I ran one over when I was driving heavy construction loads, and the poor thing disintegrated all over the side and underside of the trailer, when I got to the construction site, the watch dogs on patrol went mad dragging their handlers to my truck. After seeing the mess that they were barking at I felt decidedly sick and I actually couldn’t look at meat on a plate for about 2 years, but if god had intended me to be a vegetarian he wouldn’t have invented bacon butties!

It was not a good start to the week, first the fox incident, then I get a rare call from the fleet manager, well that’s not quite true, I have had quite a few calls from him, mostly via E-mail (which I have been ignoring ), only now, he has decided to call and speak to me in person which I know he hates to do… tough. Our fleet manager is your typical bog standard German who is infatuated with documentation and statistics, and he wants my fuel stats for the month of December and January, I know it is really pissing him off not being able to draw a line under 2003’s fuel accounts. Now, this is not me being an awkward twat (ok it is and I am, but that is just the icing on the cake for my pleasure), I am sick and tired of him putting our fuel stats on the notice board for all to see, I actually saw a bunch of the warehouse staff having a look at the stats once and commenting that one particular colleague must be a crap driver because he always uses more fuel than the others per 100 kilometres! Now why should they come to that unfair conclusion? The stats have become a league table, all those statistics indicate is that his truck is thirstier than the others and that does not come down to individual driving ability and should certainly not be used as such. I happen to know that the driver in question drives into Bayern a lot and of course he will use more fuel climbing the mountains than somebody who runs around the Bremen/Hamburg area, which is not exactly rich with hills. Well he aint getting my fuel accounts until he agrees to either stop putting the stats on the notice board or omits my truck from his league table. I have spoken to the majority of the other drivers and not one of them is interested in knowing how much theirs or anyone else’s truck drinks to the third decimal point! Now maybe I’m being a touch pedantic but there is also another reason for me wanting to piss on his fireworks, I’m sure I have already stated before that our fleet manager is also a driver, just like me, but he gets paid more to oversee the smooth economical running of the fleet, (he’s qualified and wanted to do it so let him fill his boots). But his truck is also included in his league table and guess whose truck always comes out the most economical??? His! What a surprise… not. I’m of the opinion that this is him blowing his own trumpet to the tune of… “Look at me boss, I’m fantastic, I’m the best, can you see the sun from there or shall I bend over a bit further�, well bollocks to that, I’ve proved that he fiddles the figures to suit his own agenda. In October for my last run of the month I did over 1400 km, then filled up with only 50 (fifty) litres of diesel, that went onto Octobers account, the next day I drove 50km and filled up with nearly 400 litres and that went onto Novembers fuel sheet, now this will throw any stats off the chart and I should have had the best ever fuel average for October and the worst ever for November… in theory. Only my stats were normal, I asked him why the stats were normal and he admitted that he moved one refuelling from Oct to Nov so the stats would look normal…. If that’s not manipulating the stats to suit his own ends then I don’t know what is. Watch this space.

The rest of Monday went without a hitch, there was no excessive waiting time at any of the customers… which was a gods send really because a feminine trucker was getting uncomfortably friendly towards me at one location, the problem was that the lorry driver wasn’t female… I’ll leave that to your imagination.

On Tuesday morning I had a good lie in because my first customers hierarchy does not require its workers to fall out of bed at sparrows fart to come into work, so I got the kettle on and while waiting for that to boil I went to hand my paperwork in at the Warenannahme büro (warehouse office), while sitting there waiting for the blonde receptionist (she was as pretty as an oil painting, in fact it looked like she could have applied her make up with a pallet knife, reminiscent of an oil painting, it was that heavy) to process my lieferscheins (freight/delivery notes), whilst waiting, in walked an icon of the 70’s, it was attached to the head of a chubby lagerist… what am I on about? It was a mega mullet, complete with Mexican moustache! He looked an absolute tit; next time he looks at a calendar he should take note of the decade and not just the day of the week. But then again he is a German male… which reminds me of the most successful contraception for German men ever… their personalities… enough said.

I had managed to get enough off loaded on the Monday to ensure that I had enough time in store to sit around and wait at my next two drop off points… which was just as well because it was about 6 in the evening before I set off for home from the Langenselbold/Gründau-Lieblos area. After sitting around all day and just waiting to be allowed to reverse onto a bay to unload is so tiring, boredom can drain more energy than work sometimes, the return leg of my first run of the week was not easy as the outward leg because when tired driving becomes harder, its not the staying awake that is a problem, it’s trying to stay motivated after such a lethargic day. After refuelling and swapping trailers I went home, had a meal at about 10 at night, grabbed a quick shower, checked in on my sleeping children, checked email and tucked wife up in bed before setting off on a nice local run starting in Arnsberg which is no more than an hour and a half away.

I got my two drops off in Arnsberg no problem, then I had to go to a new customer, it was time for a rare occurrence to happen, it was time for me to dig out my Ruhrgebiet Stadtplan. I haven’t used a street plan for such a long time, simply because you learn where the customers premises are situated and you just don’t forget. Only this place was new and situated in a place that looks quite easy to get to on the map but in reality turned out to be a real bum cheek clencher! Bbulldog may know this place as it’s quite close to where he lives in Hagen. I was sent to Wetter near Hagen, and up a street called Heilken Strasse. As I said on the street plan it looked quite straightforward only I had to navigate up a 15% hill that was closed to trucks over 3.5t!!! (Info for Bbulldog, I went up Bach Str.) In these situations where there are cars parked left and right to weave your way through, you really don’t want to stop to allow oncoming traffic through, you really have to be bullish and use your size to convince the oncoming cars that it is really in their best interest to allow me through because if I had to stop on that wet road it wasn’t a certainty that I would be able to pull away again. Luckily for me I managed to get to the top with only two near misses. After that the rest of my day went well, I knocked off just before 4 o’clock in Castrop-Rauxel and went for a few beers and pasta before having a well deserved early night. Thursday went without a single problem, and that included no pissed women with scissors and mischief in mind, after all it was Weiberfast. My deliveries in Dortmund, Unna, Werl, Bönen and Hamm went well apart from the excessive waiting time in Unna, but what the hell, there’s no medals to be had for finishing early. I went home for my first night in my own bed during a weekday since the beginning of January.

Friday saw me going to Porta Westfalica to drop everything at a single customer before turning around and heading home for the weekend, refuelled, swapped trailers and parked up for the weekend nice and early.

I’ll be out again Sunday night as my next run is taking me to Rosenheim, its been classified as a one day run… not bloody likely 600kms down then 600kms back in one day , I think not.

I've increased the max picture size to 100kb.
That should be enough, oder?

well well well you should have popped in for a cuppa as i actually live in Wetter!!
i work in Hagen and because it is the next big town i put hagen in my profile, most people would not know where Wetter an der Ruhr is and yes the hills are a bugger with a big tonka toy

you went up bach strasse in your lorry, bl**dy hell how did you get through?!?!?!?

you were three roads away from me
if you go to this link you will see bach strasse circled and i live on Pommelshöh on the left!

http://www.multimap.com/map/browse.cgi?cli...advanced=&lang=

Bach str was my second choice... I had intended going up Hauptstr... but on looking at it in 1:1 scale I thought not

I'll get a decent pic posted soon but not tonight, Thanks Editor Bill for the extra allowance.

if you ever go there again let me know ill get the coffee on.
i will come along with my camera and take a pic of you going up Bach str.

well haupt str you would not get through it is hard enough with a car.

When I saw the streetname plate for Hauptstr I thought it was a footpath Bachstr was bad enough and to top it all it was also bin day, so i had the dust cart comin down as i was going up. getting past the dustcart wasn't a problem because the driver was sensible and got up on the pavement to give me as much room as pos... the problem was the bins were not placed close enough to the edge of the road still, I dont think I hit any

This is not my truck but it is the same colour and and style but with different logo's

This is my truck parked outside my house, I dont take the trailer with me as it wont fit outside my house being as the whole unit is 15m. long

I managed to get a few hours kip early Sunday evening before setting off at 10, yes, I actually set off when I was legally allowed to last weekend and not earlier which is my norm, oh dear, that’s a bad sign… I’m becoming conscientious, I’m sure it will pass. Actually there’s no point in leaving early to make good time over the hills when you have over 600kms in front of you, you may as well bide your time and just get on with the job in hand with as little stress as possible, by rushing over a long distance you get tired quicker and end up pulling over for a few hours sleep which totally negates the early start. Rather likens to the tortoise and the hare really.

I arrived in Rosenheim bleary eyed and knackered at about 06:30, most of my night was spent driving through the snow, it wasn’t that bad really as it wasn’t settling, and the roads were generally free of traffic, probably due to it still being karnival and a lot of drivers had taken holiday and/or were too bladdered to drive! I pulled up behind another truck in the queue, switched the engine off, there’s a certain amount of relief after a long journey, you know the sort of feeling, that “at last, done it� feeling, I was having that feeling now, a chance to relax and stop concentrating, a chance for the mind to rest, I laid my head in my arms over the steering wheel and began to doze off. Suddenly, while in a deep snooze a car horn sounded close by, I awoke with a start… looked up and saw the truck I had parked behind and just jumped on the brakes nearly shitting myself! I had only gone and thought I was still driving and had fallen asleep at the wheel and was about to run right up the arse end of another truck. I can just imagine my heart sending a memo to the brain… bastard.

After being kept waiting 4 hours at my first customer, I was eventually called onto the offloading bay and it took only 10 minutes to offload me, that pisses me off, I work through the night to get there near the front in the queue and all the other wagons that arrive after me get called forward first and take longer to offload… there’s a logic in there somewhere but buggered if I can find it, no point making a fuss though as you only end up waiting longer as a punishment for being a pain in the arse. By 12:15 I had offloaded my second and last customer, now empty I was looking unenthusiastically at the 600 plus k’s home, I reluctantly phoned the boss to let her know the score expecting to be told to come back ASAP, but no, she proceeded to give me some excellent news, due to karnival and subsequently the production line being shutdown at our factory, my next trailer wasn’t going to be ready to roll until Tuesday afternoon so I was to return in my own time, which suited me down to the ground.

First stop for me was to be Raubling (practically a suburb of Rosenheim) Truckstop, where I needed to refuel with protein in the shape of steak, egg and chips, no beer however; refuelling the truck could wait until I got back to Paderborn but before then it was time for me to hit the sack, that’s hitting the sack as in tired and not some form of S-n-M… I was bolloxed. I set my alarm clock to wake me up with enough time to fill my flask with coffee and to start the return leg after the legal minimum break. Come 9 in the evening I was ready to roll again, only whilst sleeping the snow had come down with a vengeance, it was deep, slippery and a bona fide bum clencher.

What many of you may already know about driving in snow is that the heavier you are - the better off you are, more than ever with all wheel drive, but if you have just the one drive axle and wide tyres you tend to sit on top of the snow instead of cutting into it and making forward progress, which is obviously not good to say the least… this was the situation facing me. The only things I had in my favour was that I have:

A. Traction control,
B. Michelins tyres (without doubt the best truck tyre in the world) and…
C. My sheer bloody-minded determination to get through.

On my cold tyres every gear change resulted in the truck snaking, every acceleration/deceleration… the same, god forbid using the brakes, even though I have ABS, it was to be gears and engine brake only (Engine brake - a devise that closes a valve in the exhaust system, in effect blocking it, causing back pressure which slow the pistons down, the down side is that only the drive axle slows via the gearbox and prop shaft and when slippery can cause a jack knife situation while cornering with an articulated lorry, I’ll take my anorak off now). I slowly got into my stride as the engine became warmer and more responsive to my delicate touch on the gas pedal, getting my customary lead foot to gently stroke the gas peddle certainly takes some doing I can tell ya. Those of you who know the area between Rosenheim and München are aware of that big bugger of a hill the autobahn climbs over, “Der Irschenberg�; even in dry conditions it has a permanent speed limit and overtaking ban for trucks and tonight there was no way I was going to climb that hill humbly behind all the other trucks crawling up it, no-way. It was bleeding obvious to a blind man that if one truck misses his gear change or applies too much gas and slides, anything that causes other trucks to take avoiding action or even stop was going to bollox me (Bolloxed is my favorite word at the moment, you may have noticed! I have even got some of the Germans I work with using it, it’s quite bizarre to get a 60-year-old German saying “Hey Mek, (GRRRRRRR its Mac not Mek, they never learn) meiner auflieger ist bolloxt, habst du ein paar ersatz gummi dictung für mich?� I originally explained that the translation meant “broken� to my colleagues; I tried explaining to the boss once that its just a word, a word I like because it rolls off the tongue nicely she agreed that bollox does roll off the tongue in a pleasant way!!! Paddy and I nearly pissed ourselves laughing before explaining what it really meant, boy did she go red, but she laughed all the same).

…As I was saying, there would by no way I would be able to get going again if I stopped on the way up that hill, so at the bottom of the hill I slipped smoothly into the middle lane… literally, and started to climb at a steady 90, even when I dropped down to 70 I was still passing everything… even taxi’s! The traffic was all over the place, somewhat like a mad woman’s lipstick. A few other wagons were taking a leaf out of my book and followed my lead, it came as no surprise to find an “Easty Beasty� chucking out plumes of acrid black smoke at the head of all the other trucks in the slow lane causing the hold up (who incidentally were obeying the letter of the law and following like sheep (baaaaaaah) and were bleating like hell on the CB about the fact that we were overtaking and breaking the law….. sod’em). After I made it over the top of the hill there was the problem of getting down the other side, I knew that after the descent I would have to up again, but the incline isn’t so severe as the initial climb, but I would still need a decent run at it, and the only lane vacant was the fast lane… well actually even that wasn’t truly vacant as there was an Irish rig flying down it with the same idea for a run up the other side, he was closely followed by two Dutch registered trucks, but once they were past I could move into the outside lane and also go into free fall.

I managed to get over the hills, but at a cost, no, not the Old Bill (or is it Der Alte Wilhelm?) they didn’t catch and fine me, the cost was in concentration, I was so utterly focused on the feel of the snow and ice under my wheels that I had missed two calls and had 1 SMS waiting that I never heard come in on my hands free set-up. I was totally shagged, I managed to carry on, by-passing München, Ingolstadt and Nürnburg but Würzburg, was going to have to wait, it was time to pull over, I had driven 4.5 hours and needed some rest, I set my alarm for 2 hours which I reset for another hour after it had sounded but even then I felt I was still too tired to continue safely, so I just switched it off and turned over again thinking I’ll wake when I do and take it from there… sorted. I think I eventually had about 5.5 hours in my bed before setting off again.

4 hours later I’m hitting Paderborn, first stop the truck wash, then refuelled and eventually headed towards our yard to swap trailers, only, it still wasn’t loaded! Time enough to go home for a hot meal (and hopefully catch the lodger climbing out the back window, not caught him yet - joking), check the britboard.de, brew more coffee, reloaded the sarny box and went back to work. My trailer was now finished but there was no chance of a quick getaway as the fleet manager was in the boss’s office complaining that he wasn’t getting any co-operation from me and that I was being intentionally awkward… awkward?… me?… Asif, the very thought of it.

When I walked into the boss’s office, the fleet manager made a fatal mistake, and that was to point his finger in my face… I really despise that; he then demanded that he gets those fuel stats from me now. Firstly I explained that if he stuck his finger in my face again I’d bite the fucker off! I then turned to the boss and told her that I have no wish to be included in that twats fantasy league and explained that I have spoken to the other drivers and none of them wish to see that list on the notice board, as it serves no purpose. The boss (bless her) simply asked why the list was on the notice board in the first place, it never used to be there and when no logical answer was forthcoming she ordered its removal, Yeeeeesssssss a result.

I set off into my usual stomping ground (North/middle Hessen) and was peacefully parked up by 8 Tuesday evening. I woke up to the now accustomed snowy start to the day and set to getting the working day sorted with as little stress as possible. Something I had noticed though and that was a strange squeaking noise coming from my trailer rear axle, I discovered what that was by the end of play Wednesday, I had a flat tyre… bollox . Now a true professional would either call out the tyre company or change it himself… but there is a third option, the third option is not recommend but is possible when one knows what he is doing, and that is to leave it. You may have visions of me running around with one wheel rim on the deck and bits of rubber flying off continuously, but that is not always the case. On my trailer we have tandem wheels (2 wheels back to back on each end of the axle), so the weight was being supported, the flat tyre must be 100% intact and not in contact with its twin and just as importantly it must be the inner tyre otherwise Der Alte Wilhelm will see it, stop and make you change it, so I left it until I got back to Paderborn Thursday evening and dropped the offending trailer off at our tyre specialists… very slack I know, but not as slack as leaving a trailer on the yard with a flat and not reporting it, I’ll find out who did that. Apart from it being slack, changing a wheel on a truck is a very dangerous thing to do on your own in winter, its not unknown for a driver to incur a broken leg or arm and I most certainly didn’t want that to happen… that’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it.

I got to spend Thursday night at home in full command of the remote control…ahh bliss.

There is a major plus about running into the NordRhein Westfalen area on the way home, or even on the outward leg, and that is BFBS radio (British Forces Broadcasting Service), it really is the dogs bollox, its head and shoulders above any other radio station I have ever come across, they understand the audience they are broadcasting to, true professionals delivering true entertainment (plug plug over - any freebies going?). Unfortunately I spend a lot of time out of the BFBS transmission areas; in Hessen there is the American equivalent, AFN (American Forces Network), what a load of crap that, if the truth be told is, I can’t believe that the Americans actually get away such diabolical bollox, we all loved Robin Williams as the DJ in Good Morning Vietnam, but this is bugger all like that, honest. You really need to hear this crap to believe it, “Remember, when you’re driving your car or military vehicle, KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN or you may have an accident� this is the sort of advice they give out to their audience…Good grief, about half an hour of that shite is enough to make a bald man pull out his hair. Maybe it’s the way us Europeans are brought up but I really can’t stand the yanks radio station and their incessant own trumpet blowing, trust me they are continuously telling their audience of the battles they have won, even minor victories as far back as the war of independence making the USA a country to be proud of… AHHHHHH BOLLOX, puuuuuuuleeeeeese if there are any of the yank top brass reading this (asif), spend the money on training your pilots to bomb the right guys instead, the war of independence is over… well over ….. You can stop bombing the British now… twats.

Friday being the last working day in February is my anniversary, not my wedding anniversary, but my big blonde fit Swedish model and I have been together for two years now , I’ve been getting into her so many times a week now that I cant keep count :$ . Now before you fellas’ call me a sly fox and you girls call me a bastard… Petra, who incidentally has the same name as the wife, is not my girlfriend, she’s my truck, and I’ve named her after my wife because I was spending more time in it than her!!! I wasn’t going to go on tour Friday, I had pre-booked a quality day for the wagon and myself where we first met, the Scania Dealership workshop. First bit of pampering needed after 2 years is the tachograph, it has to be recalibrated, she does need to go a bit faster, nothing worse than getting into her and she cant keep the pace, her TÜV is due again and the old pun of greasing her nipples must raise its ugly head I spose.

This will be my last weekly update for a while , I feel they will start getting monotonous and boring, after all there is only so much you say about sitting on your bed and looking out of the window all day, should I have an interesting week or at least end up putting a stroppy jumped up little shit in his place (mentioning no fleet managers names lol), or anything that causes the slightest stimulation then I’ll post it here.

Bloody Hell Slackmack! Given the rules about hanging up washing/kids toys in the garden etc... How do you get away with parking Petra on your driveway without your German neighbours complaining?!?!?!

Hi Simon,
I used to park the whole rig in my housing estate when it was still under development and only one person complained, fair dues I was parked outside his house and not mine . Funny thing is I can’t answer your question because I am just as baffled as you, it even hangs halfway over the footpath and still no one complains. I would like to think that I’m well liked in the neighbourhood and thus I’m given a bit of leeway , but what ever the reason, it saves my wife taking me to work when I can walk .

I loved the Taz on the garage door Slack, did you paint that yourself? Is this another one of yr skills? Writing is obviously one already

A few years back I "twisted my ankle" and was off work for 6.5 months, i simply had too much time on my hands and painted the my garage door myself, as for writing... well that has been a childhood dream to be an author, who knows, maybe one day.

Hi

just read your last week report Slackmack, well after working for the yanks for 11 years i agree with the AFN bit. if a world superpower has manuals for their tanks printed as comic books it is not surprising that they bomb the wrong side. yes it is true they are in comic book form otherwise the soldiers would not read (look) them.