Cultural differences in husband and wife equality

Hello I am needing to get some advice on the cultural differences here. I married a German man and now realize common sense is not so common. In the States women are usually treated as an equal partner and here I feel like I am not being treated as an equal. Usually 2nd or 3rd after his child. When it is brought up that I do not except it, the cultural difference keeps popping up. I sold almost all of my belongings and house and now am told nothing is really ours here just his. The worst thing is being told that this is not my home since I do not contribute not having a job yet. Is this a common way for men to treat women or is my so called man being a jerk. And also is it a cultural thing for the man to go places without the wife when she was never even give choice? Thanks for the advice.

Typical Jerk of a German..

I here this so many times.

Leave him and learn.. OR carry on and accept.

Have an affair or something...

Sorry no shoulder to cry on here!

G

I wouldn"t equate it with a culotural difference. You should be able to learn through the relationship how he thinks of a relationship. Concerning his point with the house, if you were to divirse, he would soon realise that you did in fact share the home.

It is typical of Germans regardless of sex. When I moved here, my car got put into my wife's name and most likely for similar reasons. However for tax purposes, the head of household is the man, but that doesn't stop women from bossing their husbands around.
There are cultural differences between different parts of Germany and where the particular German person in question grew up. Some of the older generation and in particular the farming communities still run on the patriarch tradition. Hold your ground and don't let the "rough" language influence you. It is hard to get used to, but it is just "their" way. Stake out your position and you'll be fine.

The property may be in his name, but if you do not have any special agreement you are basically entitled to half of it if you split up - which sounds likely to happen. Lauramercy, even my German ex was more sensible and sensitive, and I left him for insensitivity.
Maybe one of our lawyers can give you more info, I've grown rusty on it.

Technically, that's not correct: Whatever both partners bring into the marriage remains theirs and belongs to them when there is a divorce. Only the increase of net assets during the marriage is split in half.

My husband is a small-town Bavarian, and has always agreed that what's his is mine too, and that I made a significant contribution to the household even when I was "just" a housewife. My neighbor's husband is also a small-town Bavarian, and wants (and has) a wifey-er wife, who takes a greater hand in the housework and lets him have the traditional breadwinner-dad role, but this is something they agreed on before they married.

Yer guy isn't being German, he's just being an a$$ho!e. Call him on it.

Hiya. First off, welcome to Germany and welcome to TT. Have you thought about seeking advice from a professional counselor? Jane Drum is an English speaking clinical psychologist that supposedly can help with culture shock and relationship issues. Never tried her myself but I do know of a lovely person who recommends her. Oh I dont know how it works but the counseling *might* be covered under your insurance, if not let that manly provider foot the bill.

Now on the fun side, go on and introduce yourself to TT. Come on out to one of the meetups. My vote for this week is the Christmas party.

Note to Everyone: If Saturday evenings and parties aren't your thing, take a look...there's weekly dance lessons, pub quizzes, drinks night, curry nights and biweekly crafting meetups. Theres also people arranging games, skating outings, gluhwein outings, etc.

If theres nothing that floats your boat, anyone and everyone is welcome to organize a meetup of any kind. Just say when, where, and what for and anyone interested will join you. If you want to meet new people and are crap at organizing like me, then arrange a Sunday Brunch at the Twisted Bavarian. Couldn't be any easier and there aint much else to compete with on a Sunday morning.

The guys a jerk, none of my German friends act like that. The guy wants to start living in the 21st Century instead of the 19th.

Agree with people above, he is just a jerk. . . also, statement that each person takes away what was had before marriage and split equally what was accumulated after wedding is the common rule. Luckily I've never had to look into it, been here 5 years and still happy with my "German." One difference though is the work/private area, so I find it is customary that when there is an evening event with colleagues from the firm (i.e. not real friends) this is usually without a partner.

Registering the house in one partners name seems to be a common thing here, we registered our house joint and the lawyer mentioned that most houses are registered in the husbands name. But I also have two friends who's houses are registered in the wifes name.

"When it is brought up that I do not except it, the cultural difference keeps popping up."

Not true, Germany may behind America in many regards (shopping hours etc) but its not Saudi Arabia.

secondly let me do a Dr. Laura, DON'T HAVE KIDS UNTIL YOU'VE SORTED THIS OUT!!!.

He is unlikely to change so you either have to accept it and move on (get a job if you can) and build your own separate life, or get divorced and chalk it up to experience. I've talked to enough Women to know that it takes many many years before a husband will change if ever. It took a UPS truck (literally) to get my brother in laws attention and force him to deal with his anger problem and this was after 20 years of marriage and 3 kids. When my brother mentioned in passing that they just celebrated 30 years of marriage (in his typical manner he did nothing) his wife called it the worst 30 years of her life. I meat another lady here in Germany in your exact situation, she got married had a kid and her husband changed. Works long hours, takes vacations by himself, she is really nothing but a maid.

Unfortunately something often happens when people marry, the wife lets her body go to pot (hey I got the guy who cares what I look like) the guy I'm married I don't have to pay attention to her anymore. All of them would like to divorce but they are not sure they can afford it and with kids???

I have to ask although I know the answer, was none of this discussed before you got married? More than likely your husband was prince charming until he got you than he reverted back to his true self.

I should add that there is something funny about human nature that keeps people from making smart decisions. Whether its the women who jumps from one bad relationship to another or people that live beyond their means or what ever.

I don't understand it.

@wired

I can see that kinda attitude would really get under your skin - he is bang out of order. Regardless of whatever the exact legal situation may or may not be in the event of a divorce, he is being a twat for effectively degrading you in the relationship.

If for example you WERE living in some kinda middle east country where the legal situation WAS that all possessions belonged to the man - he would still be an insensitive jerk for saying it at anytime during the marriage.

We talked for about a year about what was going to happened when I moved. Expenses, being out of a job while learning the language, replacing the stuff I could not bring, insurances, weather, leaving my independence, etc, prince charming the whole way. Now it is a different story, so I have decided to give it 2 more months till I can make a decision on moving back or stay. We discussed in great lenght and it mostly what comes up is the money issue. Ironic enough he had said it was no problem before. Hindsight I would have never left to become someones burden, I had a good stable life. Now that I am here, he is what I see is what I get. I am sure he could say the same, too. I would not ask anyone to change but to be honest about themselves not to make them selves bigger and flashier than what the really are. I treat people how I would want to be treated and that is what is getting under my skin. The same situation turned around would not be the same, he was on the mortage also. I will come to a TT event so I can feel less like a foriegner in a strange land. Thanks you for all the advice.
wired

Hi Wired

I can say I have gone through what you went through and it was NOT with a German guy, it was a Canuck. I don't think you can categorise all German guys in the same category as your man. Not all people are the same.

I also do not think it is a cultural thing. It is just the way your guy is. Some guys still live in the caveman era and some are more modern in their thinking.

If you like, perhaps we can get together to discuss this. Someone to talk to and etc may shed some light on this. I was a church counsellor and I have gone through what you went through so I think I can understand.

Like you, I lost my sense of independence when I moved to Germany 3 months ago with my British husband. I did feel like going back but now it is much better.

I assure you I am no pyscho, just a normal woman who understands.

Sarah

We talked for about a year about what was going to happened when I moved. Expenses, being out of a job while learning the language, replacing the stuff I could not bring, insurances, weather, leaving my independence, etc, prince charming the whole way.[/quote]

That is really unfair of him to do that, even Jon and my brother Mark told there perspective brides that they weren't perfect! it almost sounds like he's a control freak, bring you over and then isolate you, no friends family money etc etc. But me thinks he choose the wrong girl to try that one on.

Try this one on him, next time he talks about how you've contributed nothing just remind him that if you divorce you get half of everything regardless, whether its true or not is beside the point.

On a more serious note I would suggest you talk with some of the people suggested here to see what your options are. You may want to consider legal insurance as well (choose an English speaking agent so they can show you around the pitfalls).

Good luck and my prayers are with you.

Good luck to you. It sounds to me too that your husband is just being a bit of a dick. I am Canadian, married to a German man who treats me as his equal partner. What's his is ours- be it material possessions, our home, friends and family, everything. He even does the dishes and takes turns cleaning the toilet. We have cultural differences and misunderstandings, sure, but mostly related to language- that abrupt German way of speaking. I do hope you work it out, and please don't blame the average German man for your guy's crappy behaviour. He'd better snap out of it!

How much of an influence does the family have on him? Seriously, they could be contributing to the problem as they gripe amongst themselves about you not having a job, blah, blah, blah...ad naseum.

Speaking of that, are you yourself contributing to the problem by pointing out that you do not feel that you are contributing? Are you quick to defend your contributions to the marriage? I do hope that you are sticking up for yourself. Be assertive, the Germans are!

Moral of the story : Get to kno who u marry.

i'm not married to a german nor have ever had a relationship w/ one, but from what i observe in the house i work at (i'm an au pair) is that. they share the property and the wife kind of does as she wants w/ the house. regarding going out. yeah the husband goes out when he wants w/o the wife. he works late (sometimes working, sometimes out w/ friends etc). sometimes when he goes out i'll know what he's doing and the wife doesnt (comes up when i say something and she's liek what? he went out w/... or had a hockey game!?!?) so yeah... not sure if this is helpful, but...
hang in there!

I hate saying stereotypes are true- but I was dating a bavarian that I truely was more in love with than any other person in my entire life. And I had to leave him in the end because I was so fed up with this: Me-Man You-Woman b.s. It was so tiring and unreasonable. I couldnt live with it anymore. They intially like us because we are different, but then when things get serious, they cant handle the differences and would be better off settling down with another german who understands their mentality..

WTF parnell. I was married to my first wife for 19 years before I realised I didn't know who she really was.