The Lifecycle of a TT poster

Stage 1
Initially commence posting from another country away from Germany entirely with only the vaguest possibility of even visiting this country or Munich. Please ensure that you do not read any Editorial Guidelines, or welcome messages from
the TT Editor, or indeed any threads on the actual forum. SPECIAL NOTE: Under no circumstances use the "Search" function to lookup any subjects that might be of interest. This will then allow you to freely post your first newbie posting along the following lines:

"Hi, I'm Annie and my husband says that because he works for BMW in Detroit that we might be coming to live in Munich around August 2009 if he is selected from one of the other 3,400 possible candidates. We are really excited and I have some questions if you can help:

1. Why is it called Toytown Munich? On my map of the world it says just Munchken?

2. Can I get a bank account in Germany? If yes then which bank should I use?

3. We need an apartment - how much will it cost?

4. We do not speak any German - do you think it would be a good idea to learn some words? If Yes then which words should we learn?

Stage 2
On arrival in Germany start posting with more enthusiasm. Ideally stick to topics that can be classed within the category of "bleedin' obvious" or "impossible to answer". Possible subjects for discussion include:

1. We went for our first beer this week - it did not taste like Budweiser and it came in a very big glass that I think was bigger than a pint. Some people were very rude and sat on the same table as us.

2. I went to the local supermarket but could not find the shelf with the marmite/vegemite/hershey bars (please delete based on your chosen country of origin).

3. We have not been here very long. I am shy. Is there anywhere that I could perhaps meet some English speaking people?

4. Why do people stare so much in the street? Why do german women like using red hair dye? Why do the women not shave under their arms? Is there any way I can get English TV?

(will leave other stages to fellow TT bods 'cos I had better do some work really)

Does anybody have an english/irish toilet paper roll holder ?

I brought over 400 thousand rolls of loo paper as I didn't think I'ld understand the instructions on the german packaging.

I'll swap them for a 1982 copy of "Freeform forum searching and the red Beany bag: a guide to stuff".

Does anybody know why all the local Munich people speak German ? I spent hours watching "The Wizard of oz" but it seems the time was wasted ?

Stage 101

After spending so much time on the forum you start to engage in politcal discussions. Unwilling to ever let anything go, you take arguments from one thread to another, attacking the poster rather than the issue. Possible alternatives for the political debater on the forum.

1. The hippy liberal. An irrational hatred of everything that Bush does, a belief that all governments are corrupt and constantly lie, Murdoch is the devil, man never went to the moon.

2. The facist tory. Not affraid of showing a bit of racism, has a total dislike of the hippy liberal and disagrees with them on principal, not affraid of using swear words in posts to really stress his point.

3. The greys. Attempt to post in threads with clear and reasoned arguments. Finally gives up when they realise that the torys and the hippies dont care what they are saying despite the validity.

Oh, and just to say that both the Hippy Liberal and the Facist Tory both believe they are actually a Grey.

Sorry JE but that's a very condescending post.

Everyone has been new here at some time or other, we've all had stupid questions and felt overwhelmed when we first got to Munich. I certainly spent a long time lurking on TT before I got up the courage to post anything for fear I'd be bombarded with negative comments.

I can't stand the idea that TT is some exclusive club where one must conform to the etiquette layed out by the posters. Heaven forbid you ask a question that may or may not have been answered 3 years ago, the only answers you'll receive are 10 nasty replies telling you to stop being lazy and do a search.

I thought TT was here for informative purposes where people new to Munich could ask questions, find support and make new friends, where people with experience can help those who are lacking.

Maybe I'm wrong but isn't the main purpose of this site for people like Miss Mary in Arkansas who needs a bit of help integrating?

Anyway, I see the humour, am just in rant mode today.

Humour or not, there is a definite amount of truth in what JE says - my initial posts are quite different to my current ones. But then I'm approaching the 2 year mark now...

However, I do agree - I wouldn't want TTM to be some kind of exclusive club, and I think that 2 years ago it was indeed it's own clique - now it hosts a whole number of cliques - there's progress for you, eh?

@Silva.. I agree. Cocky bastards in this forum - it's usually amusing, though.

Ah but Silva you do have to admit that a great deal of people ask questions which can easily be answered by either reading the general info on the site or doing a search. And actually I am amazed at how patiently most people receive these posts, rarely is there a gruff "do a search" rather they often provide a link to the relevant thread.

Stage 102

Pretty soon you'll notice that some people are being big, fat meanies and telling you not to do stuff like that. Don't worry because the Interweb is a big place and there are a lot of meanies. Continue posting whatever you want, wherever you want; someone will speak up in your defense.

The first person to do that is your BESTEST FRIEND in the whole wide world. Repay the favour and show her you noticed by sending her lots of PMs thanking her and getting into discussions there. Friends send at least 7 a day regularly, but a dozen is what you want to start with.

Once you're ready to be more active on the site, when you see a thread getting too long (more than 5 posts) it's time to be helpful and change the subject. Post something totally irrelevant. For example, if you see people talking about the laws on drunk driving (and honestly, who could seriously talk about that for more than a couple posts?), it's time to post a picture of Karl Rove in a bikini or at least talk about why Marmite is better than Vegemite. If there's some serious political discussion (don't we come to the Intarweb to get away from all that?), post a joke. There's even a joke thread under the Miscellaneous section you can copy from and then paste into the thread. The rest of the participants will appreciate your help.

woof.

one stage is...

have read posts for a few weeks then decide to voice opinion about something, promptly get jumped on by the TT inteligencia who enjoy an argument and think its their place to insult, embarrass, said poster with their far superior capcity to argue aquired at the uni debating society.

This is only countered by the excellent sense of humour of folks like Inflatablewoman & Katrina who "save" the forum on many occasions

By the way...I am neither of those in "disguise"

P

Hey guys whats going on in this thread...

A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I'm off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. Plus he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

Im sorry this thread is great

TRUE: Some newbies ask rediculous questions which could easily be answered by reading the board or using the search.

TRUE: My posts have changed quite a bit as well. (even though most are still pointless and stupid)

TRUE: Everyone can post whatever they want no matter how stupid it is. Just ignore when you get "jumped" or pretend you are drunk/high/mentally disabled.

TRUE: The woman on the boat was getting screwed.

Question...people in the UK use a different kind of toliet paper roll?? (see there is another stupid question)

That would be 'intelligentsia'...

Don't start that please

Hahahahahaha...
It's great that we can have a good laff at ourselves sometimes...

Stage 103

Now that you've met all these people, Google is no longer your friend. The people on the forum are. Don't make them feel left out by going to Google to find out how many drams there are in a hogshead. Ask on the board, either in some thread that got too long or in a brand-spanking-new thread of your very own.

Search functions of any kind are very anti-social. Don't use them.

woof.

Arguably, katrina is better than Google...

The spelling Nazi is watching you.

But no, don't worry - I was only joshing with you.

Stage 1157

People think your middle name actually is "google". The Süddeutsche writes an article which makes you sound like a potential member of the CSU. You go to restaurants and people ask you not how your day was but about things which usually get posted on a thread like "where can I buy nice bread/get cheap jeans/ purchase kinky knickers/register my dog/sunbathe naked/get a great pint of guinness/etc." You contact your partner by PM instead of phone. At events people say "oh you're that person" which makes you suspect that Interpol has you on their "Most Wanted" list. You think that TTM is like a car-crash, you can't help but look.

C'mon Katrina, don't be so humble -- you're better than google.
I'd choose you over google anytime.

Thank you, I've just got a good memory, like quite a lot of others on the board.

Hey Silva:


I'm really really sorry - you are gonna hate me for this - but I just had to go and take a look for myself.

Silva join Date: 27/08/04

followed by 6 weeks of nervous watching without posting, building up the courage, thinking, considering the debates. Should I post here? Better not...wait for a better opportunity. Finally after weeks of sweaty palms here it comes:

Silva's first post: 11/10/04

"Has anyone seen anything remotely close to a cheesie puff?"



(I know I know - gonna get neg karmad to death now)

Busted!

But nothing so far has answered the most basic question about moving to Munich.

Is it OK to wave yer willy about in a communal shower or not?

Heads up ! Wave em if you've got em !

(Should cater to any steriod-enhanced female weightlifters as well as the Gaelic footbal crowd )

Note: It IS ok to wave your willy about in a Munich communal shower.

Ed Bob - can you make sure this FACT is archived for future reference?

Willy Windmills!!!

@Sin

A couple of rules of engagement though.

1. You can wave it all you want, but it's not a pumpgun so no reloading, not even to "clear the action".

2. Singing "it's mine and I'll wash it as fast as I want" doesn't always work.

3. Nobody really wants to see your "up periscope Nr. 1 !" impersonation.

Happy waving !

I assume everyone is aware of the world-famous from Australia stage show:

http://www.puppetryofthepenis.com

Otherwise known as the "Ancient art of Genital Origami".

These guys twist their little fellahs into visually interesting positions which are then projected onto a widescreen.

How many drams are there in a hogshead?

SKEET SKEET SKEET

Well here goes, I've said it before and I'll say it again:

MARMITE SUCKS!!

@MajorBummer: British or Kiwi marmite?
EDIT: Oh I see you have opted out of karma, so I guess it doesnt matter either way

Marmite made of Kiwis ? A sticky green liquid with hairs in it ?

Pleaz pleaz folks, this thread is about newbies' willies... don't distract us...

Actually it's about newbies' posts but I suppose in certain situations a 'willy' could be referred to as a "post".

It's a load of old cock whichever way you look at it.

@KZA

British Marmite, mate. Yuckedeedoodle. Blech. (*insert puking smilie*)
MajorB aka "Thunderous Heroine"

My posts have hardly changed atall since I joined. I post about food, rant about Germans, rave about the beer. The only slight difference in my postings now is that I tend to end up writing about how great it is to have a dog.
It is bloody great having a dog.

is your dog fried or baked then. give us the recipie.

Dogs! Send the bastards back from where they came from... Dogistan!!!

Baked. Passively

Dogistan indeed. He's a krout through and through as it goes. Incidentally, German Shepherds are often known as Alsations along the same lines of "reasoning" that led many US outlets to rename french fries as freedom fries. On that note, can any Americans confirm that Afgan Hounds were renamed "liberty pups" a couple of years back?

Ha! On the contrary, it's more often the case that, whenever a discussion with any level of "depth" is occurring, somebody jumps in and states something that is "just their opinion." When one of the TTers who enjoy rational debate says "but you're walking down a slippery slope there" or "you're arguing semantics" or "you're building a straw man," it immediately gets interpreted as "shut up you freakin' idjit, whadyou know?! You can't possibly be as smart as we are!"

As far as I can recall, the large majority of the debaters on the forum do *not* insult or embarrass anyone. It just gets interpreted that way.

Kza, BadDoggie, YorkshireLad and DarkKnight can speak with authority about computers, and those with less knowledge accept that position of authority.

Jimbo, DW, Bumpy and several others can speak with authority about history, and those with less knowledge accept that position of authority.

As soon as *anyone* speaks with authority about anything remotely cerebral, like philosophy or science, suddenly everyone is an expert and those who speak with authority are "arrogant" and want to "insult" or "embarrass" others.

jeez you're so arrogant ipj, know all

You're not thinking of anyone in particular there are you, IPJ?

PS All topics are "cerebal" as you use your brain in any case. I'm having a picky day.

Just about all of the "debaters" have been accused of this at one point or another.

Lets all get together and have a mass debate.

They're known as Alsatians and German shepherds because Alsace used to be part of Germany.

Isn't that called TTM?

I don't do mass debating - I've outsourced instead.

We could have a field day on the meaning of "remotely cerebral"


That's what I think. Been guilty of wrong interpretations myself.
'Twas ever thus. 'Tis the written word and often relatively hastily written at that. The reader imposes his own intonation, stress, whatever onto it and can easily feel personally attacked. And that happens particularly frequently with newbies - however long they may have lurked beforehand - because the tone on this board is particularly personal as a lot of us do know each other in "real life".

EDIT: Beaten to the gag.