Do you go home for family funerals?

My grandma was dianosed with brain cancer 2 weeks ago and the doctors figure she will die before the end of May. I was in Canada for a month (Feb) and saw her then, we have never been extremely close but am having torn feelings about whether to make the trip for the funeral.
This will be the first death in the family since we have moved away. I think I am fine with staying here, will I regret it?
Anyone ever experience this?

I ask myself the same question. I've only just got here and only have to go back to the UK, which is much easier, but I have an elderly aunt who has had a stroke and will not get any better, and three other elderly relatives who could easily pass on before my contract here ends. I am torn between going back (because I would like to be there) or letting the family represent me because it's easier than having to take leave!

Hm. It is a tough one. I didn't go home when my grandmother died. We were not at all close, I'm not even sure she ever got around to learning my name, but I wonder if my mother would have appreciated having me around. I guess I should have asked. So, my suggestion would be to check with your mom (dad?) and see if she (or he) could use your help during a difficult time.

buy the plane ticket, you cant buy time

I asked my mom and she said there was nothing I could do, I know she is taking it hard, they have always had an on again off again kind of relationship...
The thing that bothers me is the guilt, If it were my fathers mother I would already be in Canada beside her. We are very close though. I just hope I don't look back in years to come and regret not being there.

Family funerals are as important as family marriages. There's the respect part, but it is also a very important time to meet up with relatives... a 'clan' gathering if you will. When my paternal grandfather was buried, there were 90 cars in the procession, and the police closed down the route for us in Kingston. When my paternal grandmother died and was buried, I was in Japan on business. As the eldest son of the generation I have always regretted not being there. She was very special.

About two days before I left for Cuba my grandfather died...You have to understand I am the blacksheep in my family and the only person I was close to was my grandfather...I talked to my dad and he said my grandfather would not want but expect me to take this trip to Cuba...he was always singing songs about Mexico and he knew the importance of getting things done...do not get me wrong...it was a hard descion...but I felt he was with me...I had the greatest fortune in luck in Cuba when things went wrong...as an Apache Indian I feel that life's will has preset goals for us but allows us to choose the path we take ...do what you must and never fear what the repercusions are for life is too short for us to wonder what the afterlife wants...

Dont ask us... what do you think?

Good point, I think I will stay here, there is nothing more that can be done at this point, I have called her and told he I loved her. I will attend her funeral in spirit.

Toytown is a good "SOUNDING BOARD"..

Only you can descide..

Best wishes

G

Go home! Your not going for your grandma, you're going for the family. If it were some long lost aunt or uncle, then the thing would be different, but this is your grandma and the family will be the ones who need you. You do it for them, not because of you. GO!

Death is a preconcepted occurence..do what you feel must be done..for life will always continue...even in the afterlife...

...is that Apache? (Serious question)

We feel that life as we know it is a step...the next step(afterlife...or life itself)...is already constructed and is our choice to choose or not to choose to attend a "funeral"...you have to understand...death is another step in the spirit world...if you choose not to believe this ...fine...for each spirit must choose their own path...there is no judgement...your heart is is the the only jury...

That is probably the key in making your decision.
Imagine it is after the funeral. Imagine you did not go. Do you regret it? You can never go back and change that decision.
Saying you'll be there in spirit is very easy, but if you have the choice of whether to go or not then it doesn't mean a lot.

My grandma died in November, and I could have made it, there was enough warning to have at least seen her before she died. But I would have only been able to take the youngest with me, would have had to have left the oldest here with my husband. I caught some slack from my aunt, but decided to make a family trip over Pfingston instead - arranged to get the oldest out of school a couple days early, had time to make better arrangements and to spend some quality time with the rest of the family. We leave on Wednesday for our first visit to the states since the fall of 2001.

@Hockeywidow - Sorry to hear about that. Been though something similar myself recently. My Grandad(82) collapsed 4 weeks backs and refused an operation that might have given him a slim chance of reocvery, instead he chose to die peacefully with the family around him.

Being there at the funeral with the family eased, not only my pain, but my Grandmother's and my Dads as well.

I lost my brother 3 weeks ago and i didnt even think twice if i had to go to the funeral or not. it was much more important to be there for the others who need a shoulder to cry on. you should go as u may regret the last glance or words that they may have to say to u. u may regret it later.

My gran (mums side) died 2 years ago. I had been living in germany for 2 years at the time. She had had a stroke about 15 years before and over years had seriously deteriorated to the point that she couldnt recognise the gran kids. It really upset her and of course the kids and gran kids too and so it was decided we should stopped visiting. When she died I hadnt seen her for 4 years...I felt really bad about that but I know if Id have visited it would have made her worse. Anyway, I decided I was going to go home for the funeral, to support my mum. (I had said my goodbye to my gran years before). Mum said it was crazy to fly back from Germany for the funeral and that she would be ok, but knowing that was pride talking I went.
Despite catching to worst bout of Tonsilitis ever on the plane to the UK and being really feverish and ill, breaking my toe the morning of the funeral and passing out at the wake from the crap my body was putting me through, my mum admitted she was extremely glad I was there and the support she drew from me being there was invaluable.

My grandad (dads side) died this February. Dad has a huge family and so lots and lots of support, and my parents said again dont worry about coming all the way from Germany. However I wanted to.
I am so glad I went, it was really appreciated by all the family and especially my gran that I made the trip.
I never used to go home very often, maybe twice a year, and had never been a real family person, until then when I realised just how much family mean and how much I was missing. It too late to make it up with my Grandad but I now make the effort to go home every 2 months or so to visit and am hoping to move back in the next couple of years. I am lucky to have a large, wonderful and very closenit family and that is something I will no longer take for granted.

I know its much different travelling to the UK than to Canada, but if you can, go. It will mean so much to so many people.

My grandmother died back in 2002. I had seen her at Christmas, flew back to Germany and 2 weeks later she died unexpectedly. Of course, I and my sisters all flew home(without husbands, kids, boyfriends). It was actually a lot of fun - reconnecting with my family and talking about all the fun things growing up with my grandmother without having to explain it to my boyfriend, etc.

My uncle(I only have 1) was diagnosed with cancer about a year ago - and it seems it's going to get him, so I am going through the same thing right now -go to the funeral or stay in Germany. We have never been particularly close but I think it would be good for my mom and my aunt if I could be there.

My nanna died at the beginning of feb. Even though I'm only from the UK, I didn't go home. The last time I saw her was in the February before she died. As you have done, I called her and told her I love her. I was however slap bang in the middle of my dissertation and quite simply didn't have the time or (how to put this without sounding bitchy?) the nerve... by which i mean that whilst I was here, I was ok. I was really close to my nanna, but we'd been expecting her death for a while and whilst I wasn't confronted with her death, I could cope. I knew however that if I had gone home and gone to the funeral, where my grandad would have crying, my mum was upset, my brothers, sister, aunts, uncles etc etc, then I would have been upset to the point where I couldn't concentrate on my work... and my nanna wouldn't have wanted that. I'm also undecided on the religion thing, but I fugured that it was a two case scenario a) there is a heaven: my nanna knows I'm thinking of her and how much I miss her and I don't have to stand at some crematorium in Middlesbrough for that to be the case. there is no heaven. In which case my nanna is gone and doesn't know whether I was there or not. As for attending funerals for the sake of your living relatives, I don't really think that anybody should think worse of somebody for choosing not to attend a funeral. Everybody grieves in their own way. I know people whose relations have died and they have chosen not to go to the funeral despite it being half an hours drive away, simply because they didn't want to remember their relation like that...

had a similar thing last year (although only involved going back to UK). Wasn't close to my grandmother but I wanted to go for my Dad's sake (it was his mum) and for my parents as it was the last one of their parents to die.

I think if your family said it's okay and you feel okay about it, it's okay to not go.

I was living here in 97 when my grandpa died, I never flew home, as I was leaving Germany 5 months later to move back home, and my parents said, I could go to the cemetary in spring and say goodbye, and that is what I did. He had a stroke, and never really recovered.

I was home for my grandma's funeral a few years later, and that was okay, but I wouldn't have made a big trip for it. I am not so close to my family, so its not a priority for me. I have missed about 7 weddings and 2 family reunions since moving back in 2001. I don't regret not going home. I have had nice trips and used the plane fare on doing things I want to do and see. Sounds arrogant, but, most of my family thinks I am a snob and a weirdo anyways so! Why?

I have to say that I feel affinity with Sin on this one, though Canada is much farther away than the U.K. and would presumably be a very expensive trip? It is always special meeting family, even at funerals, which in my family are more common than weddings. No-one "enjoys" funerals, but I have to say that I like the comfort of the family "uniting" at this time. When someone close is absent, it's hard. I felt it at my mum's funeral when my sister had had major surgery and was the only absent sibling, not her fault, but still would have been better for all of us if she could have been there, and even now she is wracked with guilt at not having been there, though she couldn't be.

My husbands granny died this morning and I am not going back for the funeral, he is, and I will stay here with kids. We only just got back from Scotland yesterday.

My m-i-l is not expected to live until Christmas but I think we will all go back for her. My aunt is also on borrowed time and I will probabaly go alone to hers.

Seems to be a run of deaths we are having just now.

If it were the UK, I'd make the trip, but as an American, I wouldn't unless it was immediate family (parents or brother).

I find weddings much easier to make it back for...as you've got plenty of notice for exactly when it'll be, then again, I don't make much €

I flew back to Scotland when my cousin's dazzlingly intelligent, gorgeous and highly successful 22 year old son died while climbing with his younger brother. It was such a ginormous tragedy and Christian is my favourite cousin that I really felt I had to be there to show support. I don't regret doing it in the slightest either

Today I just returned from a four day trip to Chicago where I went to attend my sister's funeral. I dreaded getting on those planes as I hate flying, but it was the right thing to do to go there to pay my last respect and to be with my family. I didn't go back last year when my brother in law died and I did feel a little guilty about that.

I had two funerals this year in the UK (my mother in January & her sister a few weeks ago). For my mother's funeral my wife also came but not the children; for my aunt I went alone. My brother adopted the same policy. It is of course much easier to pop over to the UK from Germany than it is to have to go to US or similar...