Why does German mayonnaise suck?

Seriously. It sucks ass. All brands of mayo here have that awful vinegar flavour. I think at least half the crap out there is the company's "remoulade" with a different label.

I have to bring back jars of Hellman's (Best Foods to you Left Coasters) when I visit the Theocratic States of America.

Don't tell me to make my own because fresh is only good for a few days and I don't eat that much of it, and I still haven't found a source for BHA or BHT that will sell it to me in less than 5-litre containers. So home-made is out.

So why does the mayo here suck?

(Next week: How much crack do you have to smoke to choose Develey/McDonald's or no-name over Heinz ketchup?)

woof.

Agree with you on the mayo, and it's not just Germany's mayo that sucks. I don't eat ketchup (or, as my hubby would say, "sauce"), so I can't comment there.

KRAFT KETCHUP !!!

Yeah, Develeys doces suck.

I've seen hellmann's someplaces. But seriously, make your own, with 1 egg and 250mls oil I think. I can check the recipe from my mum if you like.

It takes 2 minutes and that will give you a jar full.

You might try the "higher end" mayonaise like Thommy in the GOLD jar.

the lack of decent mayo has been my lament since i moved to munich. i did find hellman's at the Hauptbahnhof Hertie though. price is a bit exhorbitant, but i don't care.

p.s. don't get me started on the butter..

Pomeroy and Winterbottom have Hellman's I think (they used to anyways)

in fact there's a pic of it on their website I think:

Check this out...

You can get Hellmans mayo at HIT in Laim or in WalMart. No need to go travelling to the USA just to get a jar.

Why can't I get some Heinz Salad Cream though?

Agree with this thread! Especially the rubbish in the squeegee bottles.

I found some stuff that is pretty damn close, so I bought all the jars in the Supermarket (silly little size things). I think it was called Homann or something.

But in that picture there is indeed some true Helmanns on the middle shelf.

Hopeful: If anyone coming to the Curry tonight sees some Hellmans today I will pay for what they can get and buy them a beer as well of course! Same applies to Branston Pickle.

look it's here on the shelf at P&W...on the bottom right side!

that thomy mayo in tubes is actually ok, but the stuff in the jar does not pass muster (well i will eat it but more discerning palates will not touch it).

develey McD ketchup is exactly the same as in McDs - love it or hate it.

I just recently saw Hellman's at Hertie am Hauptbahnhof, too.

@moonboot

and all that branston too!! now if i could just arrange financing i could pop round and get some

I don't eat mayo...but I have to complain about the mustard. In tubes???!!! What is up with that. Where do you store it in your fridge? it's just silly.

Mustard should be in a convenient squeezy bottle so you can put it on your ham & turkey sandwiches (I only use French's mustard anyhow)

Also these flavoured ketchups. I asked for ketchup at a beergarden and got currysauce. Ugh

I am pretty sure I saw the Heinz Salad Cream at Pomeroy & Winterbottom as well. I know they have the Sandwich Spread.

There's a mayo at HL in Garching that's called American style sandwich creme, or something like that, and it's tolarable for spreading on a sandwich, but I wouldn't dip my chips in it.

i think Karstadt has hellmans. the store at nordbad had a little american section with three musketeers bars, cambells soup, mountain dew and all sorts. not been there for a good while mind, and of course it wasnt cheap

Kraft Ketchup tastes like ass.
Devely mayo in the tube or Thomy are the least craptastic of German mayo but that's right up there with winning an event in the Special Olympics.


They didn't have it last year or I wouldn't have come back with three gallons of the stuff.


"Sandwich creme" = vomiticious. It's runny Miracle Whip. With boogers.


Drooooollllll...

woof.

karstadt at nordbad does not have hellman's, or did not have it last time i was in there looking for it!

No love, mustard should be in a glass jar. Or you could just go with the flow and accept the tubes. Better value for money anyway since the squeezy bottle doesn't allow you to get the last bit out unless you unscrew the cap and start digging around with a knife like a demented carpark attendant.


Erm, ok.

how about I get my people to talk to your people...sure we can work something out...wait til the next Beergarden trip...it'll be my treat!

oi BadDoggie, do you want your pot noodles and pork pies? The BBD on the pies are 15th April...

WalMart have had Hellmans for as long as I've been shopping there, at least for the last 2 years. It is the small jars, mind you.
The HIT is newly opened but they have Hellmans now.

Angel give the pies to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee (to eat)
Alternatively: you got them at work because I should see Bad Doggie at the curry tonight?
In German Miracel Whip (their spelling) only the 7% fat Olive Oil one is edible (and then only just).

Yep mayo is a big problem here in bavaria. I buy the belgian D and L brand when in brussels or persuade any belgian collegues to bring me it back. Downstairs at Kaufhof on the Marienplatz they have D and L steak sauce and bearnaise which in'nt too bad. They also stock HP, marmite etc. Cote d or choccie. Hagen daz ice cream, ostrich steaks, french chicken that still has a flavour... Its about the only supermarket tin muc that does'nt leave me feeling depressed after shopping in it.
The local potato salad here is also a shock to the system...

Yeah - potato salad here always tastes like someone pissed in it.

D'oh! I knew I was forgetting something. Although I don't know how porkies would taste with mayo. Luckily, I'm in a position to do another of my famous food experiments.


Would be great if you could bring them.
And no "Kraft Mir* Whip" is edible. It's markedly inedible.


I don't have a car and don't know where WalExploitTheWorkers is. Meh.

woof.

@Katrina I didn't see BD's name on the list for tonight so didn't bring them to work - doh!!

Still, it's 1 thing less to remember for you.. just don't forget the cheese!

UA

http://www.toytowngermany.com/lofi/index.php/t5129.html ... there are two walmarts in town. I actually bought a bike there way back in september.

And as to the mayo stuff... when I was clicking in the directory of threads, all I could see was "Why does Germany mayonnaise..."... and without even really thinking, was able to fill in "suck." I've definitly got the same opinion. The only mayo I've been able to stand came in a little packet from McDonalds (it was from a friend, I swear!!!). And even that I had to mix w/ a ketchup packet.

Eh? Not the one on Maria-Probst-str. They used to have it a couple years ago, but then stopped carrying it right around the time that they took the little metal hangy flags out of the international food section. Same goes with Karstadt at Muenchener Freiheit. They used to have Hellman's, but the last twenty or so times I've been there they only have the Hellman's with relish in it (blech!).

@ipj, okay maybe not at that one, I don't usually shop there so I wouldn't know, but they do still have it in the other WalMart. At least last Saturday they still had it.

Branston is still in short supply. Tescos in Central Bristol wasn't stocking it when I was there a couple of weeks ago but that is the WORST supermarket I have ever been to anywhere - yes, worse than my local PLUS.

Now that is just crazy talk. I suppose someone might apply the same kind of logic and suggest that pizza should have a big fried egg on top

I do like the pun though...go with the flow...clever. A jar just doesn't provide the same opportunity to draw a smiley face...and that is the essence of most sandwiches (people don't know they just don't know).

I never do the demented knife thing...when it gets so low that it starts to sputter and irritate it's time for a new bottle.

Surely the worst Tesco in Britain must be light years ahead of the dreary crap offered by the "best" German supermarkets?

I live in eternal hope that someone opens a real supermarket in Germany...

Scarily I saw on the TV that Tesco made a £2Billion profit last year and accounts for £1 in every £7 spent on retail in the UK, and £1 in every £3 on food.

Real mayo is delikatess (German), Dukes or Kraft (American).

There are real stores in Germany so quit your bitching. What you want is one of those real stores to stock the crap that you can buy in Britain, but can't buy here.
If Tesco opened in Munich, they would either go out of business or sell what sells which is what every real store in Germany does.

Nope. Would be happy with the contents of the average American, French, Australian, Italian etc supermarket. Its not a pure "I want British products or I will scweam and scweam and scweam".

Yeah, I took my inlaws to the states with me once and all they could say about American supermarkets was that they were crap! They didn't sell anything German. What did they buy? NUTELLA!

I accept that everyone naturally has the tastes they are brought up with. Germans seem to like bread that has been made of burnt carboard, mayo made with washing up liquid, and potato salad that has been beaten to death.

However - my issue is more one of choice. You dont for instant get much in the way of Japanese, Indian, Italian dishes in your average ALDI. I dont think my tastes are 100% standard British. But I like some semi-convenient fresh foods rather than frozen buggering pizza.

Wrong. That's just German for Miracle Whip. Ugh.


Never heard of it. Probably tastes like Miracle Whip does after squirting it between your toes to clean them.


A tolerable substitute (I have a squeeze bottle of it because it some idiot supermarket shelf-filler put it in the middle of the row of mayo bottles, the entirety of which I unsurreptitiously dragged off the shelf and into the shopping basket/trolley.

woof.

Crap stock - even allowing for the Branston factory fire.
Ovecrowded
Till queues too long
Barely competetent staff
Prices higher than Munich - 50% ?

Can make that too. Its just a matter of beating a tbsp of flour and some sugar into a couple of eggs, adding about half a wine glass of white wine vinegar, and stirring it over a bain marie until it thickens, then add about 200ml of cream.

I cannot believe for 1 second that any Tesco, regardless of how incompetently staffed, or how long the queues may be, is not 1000% better than the supermarkets here. Aldi near me has 4 tills, only 1 or 2 are EVER opened, staff stand around chatting while the frozen stuff they are supposed to be moving simply melts in the aisle, veg AND meat is OFTEN more than just a "bit on the turn". Yep, Tesco's is more expensive, but you can decide to go to Asda for pikeyness.

Just to clear something up - Kraft Miracle whip is NOT mayonaise it is "Salad Dressing" and is even labeled that in the states. Kraft Real Mayonaise IS mayonaise - they are 2 diff things and made 2 diff ways. I have researced this in the past as I have allergies to the Kraft Miracle Whip but can eat the Kraft Real Mayonaise. And YES the Kraft Delicates here in Germany is the same as Kraft Real Mayonaise back in the states (again, have researched to make sure what I can and cant eat due to allergies) and Miracle Whip is Miracle Whip. But also agree that Hellmans is much much better than either and also that ALL german brands do suck!!!

Here are the diff. (mainly being miracle whip has corn syrup and more vinegar and mayo has more eggs than vinegar.)

Kraft Miracle Whip
Ingredients: WATER, SOYBEAN OIL, VINEGAR, HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP, SUGAR, MODIFIED FOOD STARCH, EGG YOLKS, SALT, MUSTARD FLOUR, ARTIFICIAL COLOR, POTASSIUM SORBATE AS A PRESERVATIVE, SPICE, PAPRIKA, NATURAL FLAVOR, DRIED GARLIC.

Kraft Real Mayonaise
Ingredients: SOYBEAN OIL, WATER, EGGS, VINEGAR, CONTAINS LESS THAN 2% OF EGG YOLKS, LEMON JUICE CONCENTRATE, SALT, SUGAR, DRIED ONIONS, DRIED GARLIC, PAPRIKA, NATURAL FLAVOR, CALCIUM DISODIUM EDTA (TO PROTECT FLAVOR).

And here is Hellmanns Real Mayo
INGREDIENTS: SOYBEAN OIL, WATER, WHOLE EGGS AND EGG YOLKS, VINEGAR, SALT, SUGAR, LEMON JUICE, NATURAL FLAVORS, CALCIUM DISODIUM EDTA (USED TO PROTECT QUALITY).

Believe me mate, Broadmead in Bristol, would I pull your leg?

I'm gonna end up there in a couple of weeks and will give an updated report back on how that Tescos is THE LIVING DEAD EVIL SPAWN OF SHIRLEY PORTER!

Yup totally agree, the supermarkets here (in reality mini-marts) can eat my ass. They're nearly as bad as the Irish supermarkets.
Atleast in the UK/US/NZ/Australia they are SUPERmarkets where you have a selection of goods and they always seem to be well stocked. At my local, if you don't get there early on meat day, tuff, have to be a vegetarian for the week.

I agree that little hole in the wall supermarkets can be pretty ropey if you're used to something else. I hardly eva go to my local Tenglemann, rather just do a big weekly shop at the big Walmarkt at the Euroindustriepark.
not too pricey and they have a welland freshly-stocked foodhall, they do Heinz beans there too! yum.

ARGH!!!

Some fucknut threw away my bottle of Hellman's which was in the office's communal fridge! DIE YOU STUPID KRAUT!

I had to make my tuna fish today with that horrible Thomy tube-goop. My tuna fish salad tastes like old socks.

fuck.

woof.

speaking of sandwiches. I was wondering if there's any place in town where one can get a ny deli style sandwich. corned beef, chopped liver, tongue, pastrami, sable etc.
this little piggy likes rare roast beef on a hard roll with mayo.

never mind. I just read many ages old posts on the subject.

Oy gevalt

Learn Yiddish with Dick & Jane needs to be posted anytime someone uses such as expression.
To explain?
No, because it is just funny.

Really, 44 answers to why Germany mayo sucks...Jesus, don't you have anything better to talk about???

Every time I come across the Mayonnaise de Dijon (from Maille) in Munich (sometimes at Tengelmann and I saw it also at Kardstad Münchner Freiheit) I stockpile as much as I can, it´s the closest I´ve ever found to selfmade mayonnaise... Tastes like heaven...

No. German supermarkets and just about anything you can find inside them which is allegedly supposed to be "food" deserve to be mercilessly abused at every opportunity.

I am a huge fan of Best Foods Real Mayo as well, and absolutely abhor Miracle whip- the best mayo I ever found in Germany was the stuff they sold at Aldi.