Conversation Partners - A story - Munich

ok first things first, yes I am posting under a false name, cos there is no way I am telling this under my real name, cos I know you will all think all kinds of things

I told this to a well known TT, and she laughed so much and said "Oh you have got to post that on TT under a false name" so heree goes

I recently put an advert in Kurz und fuendig saying that i was looking for a conversation partner as I want to practice my German etc etc. So two weeks ago I got message on my handy saying "Oh I am interested in improving my English givee me a call back my name is Helga" (Names changed to protect the innocent)
So the next day a Saturday I ring her back and she says"Oh are you free tonight why don't we meet up", so I said "Yeah Sure, I know a nice cafe in Marienplatz or perhapas you can suggest somewhere more convenient for you" And she says "Oh no I have to stay in can you come round to me" Now I thought this was odd, I mean she is meeting a strange man and straightaway she is inviting me round to her place, but I thought well okay perhaps I am being overly suspicious, and then she says "Oh I am 59 is that okay" WTF?

So anyway I go to the address she gave and I look at the names by the door buzzers and realise that she has not given her surname so I know which button to press. I notice that there is also a buzzer for a massage parlour there and I thought "oh that should be funny hearing her stories about living above a massage place" So I ring to ask which doorbell to press and she says "Oh the one for the Massage Centre" Right... Okay... And then i said to myself "Don't be silly I am sure it is just medical massage, don't have such a filthy mind, when you go in you will see a skeleton and maybe anatomical diagrams,come on pull yourself together"

In I go, and ineveitably there were no medical diagrams or anything. Helga is there and she is I guess about fifty and we sit down have a coffee and get talking.
She tells me that she had lived in Canada for ten years, and i am thinking well why do you need therefore to improve your English, you clearly speak it perfectly.
I pensively asked, well ,you know , what sort of of massage you do and she says " Oh erotic massage, but no sex, this is not a brothel I am not a prostituite" Ok so that is that out in the open. And then she says "oh I normally charge 100 eurros for an erotic massage, but as you seem quite nice you can have one for 50 as an introductionary offer" I declined and she says "Oh you Englanders are so prudish" Well sorry, way I was brought I suppose.

We carry on talking for a while and then she says "Look if it bothers you can have a non erotic massage, I won't charge you for it, and perhaps next time you will want the whole service" So I thought no harm in a non erotice massage so she tells me to go into the room have a shower, and then ly face down on the gurney type thing and then she will massage my back and so forth. She also said that when I come to do your front, I will go out the room and you can turn over and put the towel over your bits and I will come back and massage your front.

So there I am with a well placed towel over my dick and so forth (please no posts about only needing a cloth and not a towel) and she starts doing my feet. She gets higher and higher and then whoosh !!! Off comes my towel and theree I am bollock naked. But well I thought you have been naked around women before and she has seen it many times before. So she carrys on and then ... She grabs me by my bollocks and starts massaging those. NOw this was serioiusly out of my comfort zone, and I said "Hey come on", and she giggled and muttered something about Englanders let me testicles free and then finished doing my upper body.

So I get dressed and we have another coffee , and then she starts talking about how she has to take all the towels and so forth to the launderette , so I think that is my cue to leave. Yes it was, with her to the launderettee as she can not carry all the towels and stuff on her own. While we waiting for the towels to wash we go and have a meal in the restaurant and she is getting up every ten minutes to go and check her stuff lleaving me on my on and getting some very odd looks form the other diners.

I go back with her as she needs me to carry her stufff back, and now she says "oh stay a while and I can show you some of the webiste i go to to play roulette and poker. Cue three hours of sitting there bored out my skull as she plays these websites and insists on explaining the games too me, even though i have no interest in gambling out all. She told me how one time she started with five hundred dollars, got up to five thousand, and then lost all of it the next day and it is like "hello is there a moral to this story?"

Well hers is don't gamble, and mine is "watch out for people who don't really want to improve their English, but are just trying to drum up customers for their Erotic Massage places"

hahaha great story, thanks for sharing it.

That is so -- hmmm--- fcuked up. Funny but really, really fcuked up

Just out of curiousity why didn't you bail? Was it:
1. the novelty of it AND possibly she was in fact good company on a nite otherwise spent alone...
2. the German that good...
3. really not that bad to have a 50+ year old woman twittle your english balls for half price...
4. you like to be used for cheap labour...clever girl, she got her other 50% I suppose by getting you to carry her stained sheets to and from the launderette...
5. or were you just at some point in time, what the fcuk why not, lets see where this goes?

Poor you. I think I probably would've gone in shock

Thanks for sharing, though I say go on and give her another break and post her up under the erotic massage threads.

now this looks like an April fools hoax...with all due respect to experience & age , the fact that she turns out to be 50+ is a major turn off, rest all can be imagined as a fantasy ride...

Pick me up off the floor when I've stopped laughing!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Yeah I get all kinda looks now that I am in Massage Therapy School. I have to explain sometimes that there will be no "Happy Ending", ever.

all that and you didn't get to improve your german!

I would love to meet someone who would teach me how to do a really professional standard massage, cos gving one is a really great way to end a session.

Ha, ha

This is so funny! I've been sitting at my computer falling asleep while typing my research paper and this brought me back!

BTW I'm fairly certain it's not an April fool's joke!

April Fool or not, it's hilarious

Are you the girl mentioned above or do you live in the same building ?