Race and dating

I read an article in the NY Times that looked at the phenomenon of race and dating in speed dating sessions, from a scientific point of view, and discovered some interesting things about the motives behind a persons choice for a mate in relation to their race. For example, the study showed that men of all races normally will date women of any race, socio-economic background and education. Women on the other hand are more inclined to date within their own race, with black American women being the least likely to date outside their race. The article interestingly enough also goes on to ask their women subjects how much money would the other mate have to make before their opinions about dating them would change, in essence how much extra would they need to make before they are viewed as equal to a man of the same race. Very interesting stats on what people say in relation to what they actually do.

This post is mainly directed at people that have dated before or regularly date outside their "race." Any advantages/disadvantages for your specific race in relation to the men/women you date? Any particular areas you like to go to in relation to your race and the dating scene? Any particular country? For example, is there an area or scene that makes it easier/harder for you to go about dating people from another race. Being a person who has almost exclusively dated outside their race for a number of years, I see pro's and con's to it. I know this is a "bummer" topic to some people as it's better to just ignore the elephant in the room, but for others it's something that comes up all the time, especially people who are in an "interracial relationship." I wanted to get the opinion of people who regularly date outside their race. I'd like to know your opinion on the article, what you think about race and dating, and your biggest complaint about dating in regards to your race. Any strengths or weaknesses you have when dating a person from another race?

I personally think that dating outside your race is awesome. I've been doing it since left my local community and it's made me a stronger person for sure. And, I know stuff from just about every race out there. It's a win/win situation for me.

I'd like to look at this from an scientific point of view, so no soapbox drama. However, the main point here is to see if people are really influenced by race when choosing/pursuing a mate, and some of the positive and negative influences they have when choosing. Naturally I'm going to expect some kind of negative feedback to this uneasy but plausible topic. It's totally ok to not like to date someone outside your race, as it's also ok to like to do so.

Thanks.

http://tierneylab.blogs.nytimes.com/2007/0...s-seeking-whom/
http://tierneylab.blogs.nytimes.com/2007/0...same-race-male/

It will be helpful if you could define what kind of race you are talking about...

is it just black vs. white or fine tuned to be more specific, like cultural background, religion, where people grew up etc???

I thought I was very clear. A different race is someone who is not of your race.

I consider ugly people to be not of my race. Is that ok?

I like to date doods belonging to the human race.
and have never dated an elephant, in a room or outside in the open air.

I had a date with a black* guy once and got to hear all the prejudices blacks have about whites, plus a lot about how blacks talk about themselves. He was a nice guy, too bad he moved back to the US. I would have introduced him to my family without batting an eyelid. After having married a German they may even have been relieved.

*We agreed that if he calls me white I get to call him black.

I don't think I have ever dated anyone of my race (human race excepted, well apart from once and then I am sure she was a Martian or something) anyway as my race is English/Welsh/Irish/Italian/French/probably some Scandinavian in there and a touch of Patagonian on my Maternal Grandmothers side.
Not many of my race about to date.

Race doesn't matter to me. As long as he keeps himself clean, wasn't an asshole, and gave me earth-shaking orgasms I was happy. The guy I chose to be with for the rest of my life happened to be caucasian.

I find that I usually leave the fighting to the armed forces. In that context I believe the animosity between the Navy and the Marines to be the largest. Odd since they are the ones most often on boats together. Maybe that much time spent together is the issue or maybe the idea that after all that time together knowing you will have to eventually separate is the issue.

Speaking of which I like that word "maybe". it leaves all possibilities open. "Can you get the laundry done?"

"Maybe."

"Can you pick up a six pack on the way home?"

"Maybe"

"Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife blah blah blah until the day you die?"

"Maybe" Actually that is not accepted but that would be sweet if it was.

Anyway I am thinking if I adopt a kid I will name them Mary Elizabeth and call them Maybe for short.

What elephant? Race isn't a negative factor when it comes to picking a mate - if anything it's gonna be a plus. Always interested in the new/different. Variety is the spice of life and novelty's a turn on

Awesome replies!

Oh and before I forget, the term "race" is one that just about every country in the world uses. I admit that I hate it, but it's a necessary way of classification. For those who are confused by what "race" they are, just ask a government official in your home country, or if you do online dating look at what race you've classified on your profile

I'm happy to talk about the elephant. I'm an American female of African parents, which is of course totally different from African-American. That said, I grew up in a part of Virginia that is about 95% white. I've always been attracted almost exclusively to white guys and have only ever dated white guys. This was partially due to the fact that my African parents looked down on African American males, partially due to the fact that after my mom divorced my dad when I was 12, she never stopped reminding me that African guys are awful, and partially due to the fact that I just found myself having more in common with white people and just being more sociallly comfortable with white people. I don't look at black guys, or South American guys or Asian Guys for that matter (with the exception of Fast and the Furious Tokyo Drift, awful movie, amazingly attractive Japanese men). My attraction really is restricted to white guys of European decent. All that said, being in Germany has made me very concious of my race, I don't know how often a guy will approach me in a bar and say I've never been with a black girl. Now I don't know how many girls would positively respond to that pick-up line, but it certainly doesn't make me feel special, and because more often than not this is how I'm approached, I'm always susipicious of white guys who approach me here, even when they don't say that because I'm sure they are thinking it and it genuinely bothers me that they see me as some kind of "to do" on their bucket list.

My two cents.

Worth remembering to add that into any opener. Hi, how you a-doin'? I've been with loads and loads of black girls so don't think that's why I'm approaching you now. It's actually because you've got the cutest ass I've seen all night. Now, can you suck a golf-ball through 6ft of garden hose?

I am caucasian, have dated men of many different races. Only a German would put up with me in marriage. As with Sara, dating black men proved interesting in terms of hearing their prejudices against white people. That got old real quick.

@Keydeck
If that had been said from the get go we could have had a beautiful thing...

My 2 cents are that if I had posted what you just did I'd get labeled a racist and booed off this site.

You can't necessarily control what kind of person you're attracted to but to rule someone out based one something so superficial baffles me.

I'm not going to pretend for one second that anything I think is correct or the way it should be, but I'm being completely honest and telling you what is going on in my head. I wish that the stereotypes that have been imprinted on me had not been. You have no idea how hard it is to look in the mirror with these thoughts in my head. It doesn't just taint how I view strangers but everyone, my father, my brother, my cousins, I'm super critical of their behavior and it drives me crazy when I think they are "perpetuating a stereotype" by their behavior.

And note that many peoples race has changed over the years. Basically there is no such thing as race. Even though everybody thinks they know what it is. It's a socio-political classification not a biological one.

Fair enough, at least you're honest.

I find it very strange to pick a partner by his "race". No matter if its MY race or "another" race.
I pick a partner because he is a nice person or attractive or intelligent or whatever - but not because hes of a different/same race!??
I dont understand the whole concept. sorry...

Try not to be too harsh and to a degree I know how you feel except I am a guy. Outside of the peeps on here I will say 99% of the people I know in Germany do not know I am half Apache. It is an issue that I do not like to bring up because I like hanging out with people who do not care what race I am. I have had to have too many conversations on dates concerning this.

Yet on another note I like the extra attention I get here being a darker skin color. Although sadly I prefer girls with darker hair and the amount of Blondes in this country is amazing. Yes I am a farbanist to a certain extent though I will drink with anyone guy, girl, as long as they do not have that Bavarian poor man Han Solo look or wear a Oklahoma tshirt.

Nothing new there Einstein and this has nothing to do with race.
I am sure we have all here seen those films of people that even dated outside their own species for money.
A while back someone I know had a film put in their mailbox of a guy fucking a hen. I bet he was an Australian.

So flint24 which races do you like to bonk the most?

@Virginia2Munich - My family is kinda like that too. I can kinda relate to what you're going through, as the guilt and misunderstanding from looking at my race and what we've done over the years use to cause me to dislike them and even myself, but unless you're personally doing something to make the situation better, then it's just energy wasting away. Be the change you wish to see. And things are always way more complicated than we first realize, so it's best not to presume you know how someone will act.

@Pas - I wish there was no such thing as race, and some scientists have been aggressively pursuing the use of other words like "community" as in "people from my community" but I think as long as you have the point of view of the have's and the have not's, or the conscious and subconscious notion of predominance, there will always be a need for people to separate themselves from each other. It's human nature.

IDK, just my 2 cents

Wow V2M can't believe guys approach you with that line! That conversation usually came up after we've been together for a while. Well with the guys who I dated who weren't black. That's pretty fucking rude and schtupid.

Keydeck's line would've caused an emergency panty change, fo sho.

The separation is clear. But it shifts multiple times in any given day.

Catholic/Protestant. English/Scottish. Man U fan/Chelsea fan. Indian/Pakistani. All at times equally valid in the same question.

Race is a lazy labeling, and as I've said changed over the years. Italians. Are they white or black? Turkish?

Is a Spanish person the same race as a Swede?

So really you're asking would you date somebody who looks significantly different from you in skin tone.

I have to say I never have. And given I'm in a very strong relationship perhaps never will. It does interest me though as you'd pick up a whole different culture potentially.

I'm getting really confused here. Can we please have everyone's profile on the left "colour coded" so I can figure out who is what, so I know what they are talking about?

Is Blaady Suvvana a skin colour?

I would have more in common with a black man raised in Canada than a white man raised in Russia.

So you're saying you have a big knob and don't like vodka?

Yeah I definitely walked into that one.

Looking at individuals purely from a race construct only serves to put limits and boundaries on our humanity.

Btw, my husband is a different "race" than I am and I think other people notice this more so than I do.

Still wondering about "wanting to look at this topic from a scientific perspective" as mentioned in the original post. Did you mean a sociological perspective?

I was recently doing some "people watching" and noticed a mixed-race family: a black man and a white woman with their children. The man was very black and both the adults were tall and elegantly dressed. People walking past them definitely noticed them, and some even turned to look as they walked past. Even if the stares are more curious than hostile, it must be difficult to have to deal with that on a daily basis.

Beyonce has one of my green cards.

You're right!

But that first line is rubbish. Again go to your local government and see what classifies as "race." We both hate that ugly word, but it's necessary. If you see a lone black guy sitting at his cubicle from across a room full of white guys, would you point at him and say "the guy sitting in cubicle" or would you be smart (and crafty) and say "the black guy sitting at the cubicle?" Race classification is stupid and lazy but necessary.


In the beginning I used the data from that article as evidence that a lot of people make dating decisions based off race, whether unconsciously or consciously. I asked for people's opinions about that, and to also share there experiences they've had dating outside their race. Not many people have responded to the first part but that's ok. It's pretty obvious that this was a social experiment. I mean the guys article, not this thread. Those are the best because they get people with their guard down, with the political correctness filter off. These experiments are always best when people say in public what they say in private regarding race and all that.


Lorelei you hit the nail on the head. Perfect. Not to place guilt or blame on people, but isn't it interesting when you put yourself in another persons place for a moment. See things from their perspective. I'll bet next months salary that that couple KNOWS how much they get stared at. You don't even have to ask. Trust me, it's very uncomfortable. It's like the straw that broke the camels back on those really bad days when you don't want to be bothered, and it's a cute and funny spectacle to watch on days where you're feeling good. But it's always there.

I still disagree it's necessary. It describes the problem. People see themselves as different based on the colour of their skin. With more education the word may morph into something more meaningful than at current.

On an anthropological/biological level it's interesting. We protect the genes nearest to us with our lives. Most of us would go through pretty well anything for our kids. It seems we also feel more kinship with people who look like us. I guess as we feel the genes are nearer to ours.

However, we're also told that diversity in the gene pool is what makes us successful as the human race. So shouldn't we find somebody with visibly different genes more attractive?

I'm personally more interested in how a guy's ass looks in those genes. Er, uh, jeans.

I guess everybody has their thing that they "discriminate" against, be it skin color, nose size, wallet size, etc. I always called myself an "equal opportunity dater", unless you are height challenged... then I must discriminate against you.

I would say intent counts.

If a Black/Asian/Middle Easter/Indian/etc. person is feeling comfortable dating "only"white people, given the brainwashing about the racial hierarchy for hundreds of years, I would ask myself whether there are some self confidence issues with own race. I would also find it "interesting" if for example a white man dates "only" Asian women.

Being comfortable dating a person from your own community is normal, but even then you may notice very strict preferences, like skinny/fat, tall/short, green eyed/black eyed, higher caste/lower caste, upper class/lower class, etc. and these can be as strong as the racial preferences.

If you have enough confidence in yourself and in your relationship, I'd say take the stares as a compliment.

Lorelei, we feel more comfortable here in Europe than in the States. I'll never forget the first time I took my husband to Chicago and we walked down North Michigan Avenue in downtown Chicago and he asked me "why are all those people staring at us like that? Chicago is the most racially segregated city in America I had to explain to him.


I'm actually of mixed race and it's difficult for me sometimes when people are so curious about my race. When I was on the ship a couple of weeks ago I hadn't spoken with the Captain but 5 minutes and then he asked me about my race.

What I usually tell people if they're so curious to ask me about my race is it's not important to know what I am (in terms of my race), but who I am as a person. Regarding feeling uncomfortable, I never feel uncomfortable when people stare and most of the time I don't even notice. This is something I've lived long enough with not to care about what people think when I'm out by myself or with my husband.

The other thing is there's no box sometimes to check on forms when the question is about race or sometimes I check multiple boxes.

I really don't like to hear people define other people by the distinction of their race. For instance, the white guy at the office or the black women over there.

Regarding preferences, this is human nature people are attracted to who they are attracted to. I use to wonder about my husband he's never dated someone of his own race, but he's entitled to his preference.

Regarding that elephant, I don't think that elephant is as big as folks make it out to be as I believe the world is becoming more tolerant of people dating and marrying outside of their race. Aren't there more substantial and pressing issues to confront than someone dating a person of a different race.

I like to think that we are more alike than we are different, regardless of our race. But than again, I'm a bit idealistic.

Is the elephant in the room an African elephant, an Indian elephant or a white elephant? Please check the ears and get back to me. If it's a white elephant, I'm not interested. Plus you might have trouble getting shot of it.

Well first up, I registered just to reply to this post.

In most cases, an Asian dating a White woman is not exactly the racial hierarchical superiority. Dating as it exists here in the western world does not exist in most parts of Asia. So when we are talking about dating, I have only dated white women... only germans to be precise. But am I only attracted to white women, Definitely no. Am I attracted more to white women than Asian women from my community, defenitely no.

But life is a series of chain reactions to the decisions you take in life. I met a young german girl, we fell in love (after 6 years mind you), I came here and there are not many / any girls from my race here... making it difficult to even compare.

So you would date someone who is 600 lbs? Or is it okay to rule people out based on certain set of physical characteristics you find unattractive, but not others?

that doesn't help, though, because some governments classify people completely differently. Take the word "Caucasian" for example. It has already been used on this thread in the US government meaning, ie White european descent. Unfortunately, this definition only really exists in the US. The true defintion of Caucasian includes north Africans, Arabs and Indians (the Asian kind, not the American kind) but because some racist twat in the US decided that Indians (again, the Asian kind) weren't white enough for immigration purposes, the defintion in the US was restricted to white europeans.

So you see, Pas is 100% correct. Definitions of race change from country to country and from time to time. Race is a lazy and superficial classification, nothing more.

The US government can't even decide if hispanics count as a separate group as caucasions or not, and if so which ones. Sometimes you'll see city demographics that add up to more than 100% since theres a number for caucasions and then a separate number for people that want to call themselves latinos too.

Given my mixed background, I don't even really know what my race is...

However, I have only ever dated "white" girls. I put that down more to the fact that everywhere I've lived has been predominantly "white", so it figures that I'd mainly meet "white" girls.

EDIT: and just for the record, I've never dated an elephant...

Interesting thought that.

So to bring that even more into the original topic I wonder if some people might be fine with dating someone from Spain but wouldn't be interested in a Mexican.

Just picked up on this one.

Why is it necessary?

Why? You describe people by looks - the blonde guy, the redhead, this tall one over there, so the asian girl or the black lady in my eyes is just a description which has nothing to do with race but looks.

I don't really discriminate on colour - hell, I don't even discriminate on sex but I do absolutely HATE black women who say they would never date a black man. It pisses me off so much. You know who you are!

I am black and my hope is to settle down and marry a black man. I think this has something to do with the love I had/have for my Dad.

Having said that, I've been with all sorts and will continue to do so. For me it entirely depends on how attractive I find the person.

Actually, there are some races/colours/whatever you want to call it that I find really unattractive in general though. I hate myself for it because it really upsets me when I hear some guys say that they don't find black women attractive but I guess all it comes down to is that we all have our own preferences.

you tend to describe people by the atttributes that stand out most. You wouldn't describe someone as THE black guy if he was in a room full of black guys. You'd pick some other feature that is likely to stand out. Things that tend to stand out are hair colour and length, skin colour, height and build. Then maybe attire and whether they wear glasses etc.

Basically, you try and distinguish someone using the most identifiable features and for this reason I don't have a problem referring to skin colour if it is the easiest and most direct way of communicating a point.

Exactly. If you wanna break down the barriers, we should be able to say "white guy" or "black women" with nobody batting an eyelid or taking any more offence than saying "redhead guy" or "blonde women".

Regretfully it is waaaaaay too politically sensitive still.


Owain is the voice of reason. I have often referred to him as the pasty 4 eyed welsh dwarf and he never takes offence.