Tandem Bicycles
The Myth: A romantic way to spend an afternoon riding throught he countryside.
The Reality: If I have to sit one more minute watching this arse and whiffing their B.O. there is gonna be murder.
Quad Motorbikes
The Myth: Fresh air and the thrill of a motorbike with the stability of a car.
The Reality: Holy Christ why will this dog slow fucker not go round corners?
Camping Holidays
The Myth: A lovely opportunity to connect with nature.
The Reality: My arse is covered in mosquito bites, I need a wee, its 3am and there is an animal chewing the tent ropes.
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Things that sound like a great idea
But are crap really
Romantic weekends away
The Myth: Lets get away and try and refresh our love.
Reallity. Why the fuck have have we spent all this money when we could have stayed at home and had te same arguement for nothing!
The Myth: Lets get away and try and refresh our love.
Reallity. Why the fuck have have we spent all this money when we could have stayed at home and had te same arguement for nothing!
Cruises
The Myth: Let’s get away on a fantastic cruise.
Reality: Nausea inducing moving hotel and much gut wrenching vomiting.
Concerts at massive stadiums
The Myth: Let’s go to a fantastic concert at the Olympic stadium and see our favorite band.
Reality: My god! BonJovite is only one sixteenth of an inch tall and that is with binoculars.
The Myth: Let’s get away on a fantastic cruise.
Reality: Nausea inducing moving hotel and much gut wrenching vomiting.
Concerts at massive stadiums
The Myth: Let’s go to a fantastic concert at the Olympic stadium and see our favorite band.
Reality: My god! BonJovite is only one sixteenth of an inch tall and that is with binoculars.
Toytown Munich
The Myth: One big happy family of like-minded folk offering helpful advice.
The Reality: Stop talking batshit you arsehat, that curry restaurant sucks.
The Myth: One big happy family of like-minded folk offering helpful advice.
The Reality: Stop talking batshit you arsehat, that curry restaurant sucks.
QUOTE (Johnny English @ Jul 9 2008, 9:16 am) 
Tandem Bicycles
The Myth: A romantic way to spend an afternoon riding throught he countryside.
The Reality: If I have to sit one more minute watching this arse and whiffing their B.O. there is gonna be murder.
The Myth: A romantic way to spend an afternoon riding throught he countryside.
The Reality: If I have to sit one more minute watching this arse and whiffing their B.O. there is gonna be murder.
Sit in front and pedal while she sits in back, feet up and letting you do all the work for a change.
EDIT:
Gondola ride in Venice
The Myth: A romantic ride through twisting alleyways with a good looking Italian tenor crooning snatches of world-famous operas.
The Reality: Breathing the stench of brackish water while being eaten alive by mosquitos.
Package holidays to the beach
The myth: Idyllic views, golden sands and swimming in the beautiful sea. Paradise for a bargain price.
The reality: I've got sand in my bikini, my hotel is a deathtrap and I'm surrounded by drunken peeling lobsterpeople braying about English Breakfasts for a euro.
The myth: Idyllic views, golden sands and swimming in the beautiful sea. Paradise for a bargain price.
The reality: I've got sand in my bikini, my hotel is a deathtrap and I'm surrounded by drunken peeling lobsterpeople braying about English Breakfasts for a euro.
Dinner parties
The myth: charming conversation, witty repartee over a glass of well-chosen wine and a beautifully composed supper comforted by the warmth of human interaction.
The reality: burnt offerings, at least one couple continuing their argument from last week, house prices/interest rates, wishing that everyone would leave so that you can finish your good wine on your own instead of drinking the crap from Tenglemann your guests brought. Babysitters.
Professional Qualifications
The myth: improved knowledge and greater skills useful to apply in your daily work.
The reality: trainers with monotone voices droning on about stuff that you will never use, learning by rote to pass an exam in the blind hope that you may still have a value on the open market just because people like certificates.*
*Exam starts at 11:30. Fuck.
The myth: charming conversation, witty repartee over a glass of well-chosen wine and a beautifully composed supper comforted by the warmth of human interaction.
The reality: burnt offerings, at least one couple continuing their argument from last week, house prices/interest rates, wishing that everyone would leave so that you can finish your good wine on your own instead of drinking the crap from Tenglemann your guests brought. Babysitters.
Professional Qualifications
The myth: improved knowledge and greater skills useful to apply in your daily work.
The reality: trainers with monotone voices droning on about stuff that you will never use, learning by rote to pass an exam in the blind hope that you may still have a value on the open market just because people like certificates.*
*Exam starts at 11:30. Fuck.
QUOTE (sarabyrd @ Jul 9 2008, 8:37 am)
Gondola ride in Venice
The Myth: A romantic ride through twisting alleyways with a good looking Italian tenor crooning snatches of world-famous operas.
The Reality: Breathing the stench of brackish water while being eaten alive by mosquitos.
The Myth: A romantic ride through twisting alleyways with a good looking Italian tenor crooning snatches of world-famous operas.
The Reality: Breathing the stench of brackish water while being eaten alive by mosquitos.
The Fix: Go to the Venetian hotel in Las Vegas for a $16 gondola ride through Drano blue "canals" (downside: the gondoliers can't sing that well; upside: it never rains, and you get a chance to win your $15 back)
BBQs
The myth: Chargrilled authentic food cooked in the outdoor sunishine among friends on a lazy Sunday.
Reality: Either totally incinerated or semi-raw and potentially hazardous food, cooked (in the loosest terms of the word) on a contraption that after taking 2 hours to get going was subsequently flooded by a freak rain storm, but still managed to stink to high heaven and ruin your neighbours Saturday afternoon washing on the clothes line.
The myth: Chargrilled authentic food cooked in the outdoor sunishine among friends on a lazy Sunday.
Reality: Either totally incinerated or semi-raw and potentially hazardous food, cooked (in the loosest terms of the word) on a contraption that after taking 2 hours to get going was subsequently flooded by a freak rain storm, but still managed to stink to high heaven and ruin your neighbours Saturday afternoon washing on the clothes line.
Children.
Life
Joint bank accounts
The Myth: Love means never having to justify your spending habits.
The Reality: What is this 50€ charge from Wetpanties.com?
The Myth: Love means never having to justify your spending habits.
The Reality: What is this 50€ charge from Wetpanties.com?
^^^ Really? I think you actually mean RELATIONSHIPS then,.
Good Idea: Marital bliss with an "ideal husband".
Reality: It's quite difficulty to find an "ideal husband" and it's a pain in the butt to get rid of his ass when the marriage doesn't work out.
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/06/opinion/06dowd.html
Reality: It's quite difficulty to find an "ideal husband" and it's a pain in the butt to get rid of his ass when the marriage doesn't work out.
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/06/opinion/06dowd.html
Email
The Blackberry: I will never be out of the information loop. I can communicate instantly with anyone anywhere in the world, exchange vital information and get things done super fast. No matter where I am.
The Reality: This you know already.
The Blackberry: I will never be out of the information loop. I can communicate instantly with anyone anywhere in the world, exchange vital information and get things done super fast. No matter where I am.
The Reality: This you know already.
Corporate World
Situation: We have really liked your work and would like you to take over these new tasks. They are interesting, challenging, and require a lot of responsibilities!
Reality: It is just another boring bunch of tasks that no one would like to do! We are lucky you have no other option but to accept ** Masked Grin**
P.S. Just check out the other employee who ran out of this job just at the cut of point of the 18 months waiting time to switch jobs within company, hehe.
Situation: We have really liked your work and would like you to take over these new tasks. They are interesting, challenging, and require a lot of responsibilities!
Reality: It is just another boring bunch of tasks that no one would like to do! We are lucky you have no other option but to accept ** Masked Grin**
P.S. Just check out the other employee who ran out of this job just at the cut of point of the 18 months waiting time to switch jobs within company, hehe.
Hotel Breakfasts
For me I find hotel breakfasts are usually overpriced and have a poor quality of food selection in terms of what I'm interested in eating and the value for the money in terms of how much I do eat in the morning.
Reality: I usually bring something with me such as fruit or nuts or go out to breakfast or have an early lunch.
For me I find hotel breakfasts are usually overpriced and have a poor quality of food selection in terms of what I'm interested in eating and the value for the money in terms of how much I do eat in the morning.
Reality: I usually bring something with me such as fruit or nuts or go out to breakfast or have an early lunch.
Flying
Myth: International jet set crew flitting from one country to another at the speed of a bird. Breakfast in Munich, lunch in Paris and early cocktails in London.
Reality: Hours of travel with rubbish public transport systems to get there early to go through all the security rubbish, followed by hours waiting for a flight to be stuck on one side next to some frustrated tight-arsed middle-aged business man whose ego believes he should be in business class but didnt pay for it and some prat who's listening to some techno rubbish on his MP3 on the other.
Myth: International jet set crew flitting from one country to another at the speed of a bird. Breakfast in Munich, lunch in Paris and early cocktails in London.
Reality: Hours of travel with rubbish public transport systems to get there early to go through all the security rubbish, followed by hours waiting for a flight to be stuck on one side next to some frustrated tight-arsed middle-aged business man whose ego believes he should be in business class but didnt pay for it and some prat who's listening to some techno rubbish on his MP3 on the other.
Gordon Brown as PM
The Myth: at last, a return to genuine socialism after a decade of spin, cash for honours, PFI's, smarm, war for oil, and neo-Thatcherism.
The Reality: dour Scottish Presbyterianism, u-turns, economy in free-fall, eat-all-your-food-up-ism, funny thing with the mouth, neo-Johnmajorism.
The Myth: at last, a return to genuine socialism after a decade of spin, cash for honours, PFI's, smarm, war for oil, and neo-Thatcherism.
The Reality: dour Scottish Presbyterianism, u-turns, economy in free-fall, eat-all-your-food-up-ism, funny thing with the mouth, neo-Johnmajorism.
QUOTE
some frustrated tight-arsed middle-aged business man whose ego believes he should be in business class but didnt pay for it
So if you are here ranting...errrrrr...that makes you I guess a frustrated tight-arsed middle-aged business man whose ego believes he should be in business class but didnt pay for it?
Replace the UK monarchy with a republican system
The Myth: Replace an anachronistic and undemocratic monarchy with a democratic republic and an elected head of state.
The Reality: President Thatcher.
The Myth: Replace an anachronistic and undemocratic monarchy with a democratic republic and an elected head of state.
The Reality: President Thatcher.
Look, Thatcher's son tried that in another country and it didn't work out too well, did it?
Myth: Coups replace an anachronistic and undemocratic monarchy with a democratic republic and an elected head of state.
Reality: One of your rich mates ends up in a hell jail in some backwater country until his 100th birthday.
Myth: Coups replace an anachronistic and undemocratic monarchy with a democratic republic and an elected head of state.
Reality: One of your rich mates ends up in a hell jail in some backwater country until his 100th birthday.
QUOTE (Johnny English @ Jul 15 2008, 5:24 pm)
So if you are here ranting...errrrrr...that makes you I guess a frustrated tight-arsed middle-aged business man whose ego believes he should be in business class but didnt pay for it?
Nope, I refuse to fly business on a european flight. Complete waste of money, even if I'm not paying. "Oh, but you can change your flight easier!" I hear people shout. Well I just plan efficiently and save a couple of hundred euros, thank you very much.
I am even more efficient and just don't go anywhere on business - thus saving even more cash.
Myth: Go and visit the client to close that big deal and keep him happy.
Reality: Spunk a load of time and wedge on entertaining some tedious prick when it could all have been sorted by phone and email anyway.
Myth: Go and visit the client to close that big deal and keep him happy.
Reality: Spunk a load of time and wedge on entertaining some tedious prick when it could all have been sorted by phone and email anyway.
Marrying Rich
Myth: spending your days shopping, lunching and visiting various spas and your evenings attending lavish parties and important functions with your loving husband
Reality: spending your days in a Xanax induced coma and your nights glued to a bottle of vodka waiting for your husband to stop banging his secretary and come home.
Myth: spending your days shopping, lunching and visiting various spas and your evenings attending lavish parties and important functions with your loving husband
Reality: spending your days in a Xanax induced coma and your nights glued to a bottle of vodka waiting for your husband to stop banging his secretary and come home.
Buffet meals
Myth: great selection, lots of choice, pick out the best and really get value for money
Reality: eat too much of everything, three times over, and get a chronic belly ache for money. plus an extra 2kilos on bum
Myth: great selection, lots of choice, pick out the best and really get value for money
Reality: eat too much of everything, three times over, and get a chronic belly ache for money. plus an extra 2kilos on bum
lap dancing clubs
myth: You are at the forefront of sexual progression. You are some kind of sexual uberlord. The beautiful woman dancing in your lap is secretly amazed by the size of the hard on straining your pants. She fancies you. In fact, she can barely stop herself from going all the way. right now. You are having an awesome time with your mates.
reality: You just spent £20 for a woman who hates you and pities you to jiggle around for a bit in front of you and basically leave you blue-balled with frustration and feeling a bit sick with yourself for wasting £200 on some lukewarm Lambrini
myth: You are at the forefront of sexual progression. You are some kind of sexual uberlord. The beautiful woman dancing in your lap is secretly amazed by the size of the hard on straining your pants. She fancies you. In fact, she can barely stop herself from going all the way. right now. You are having an awesome time with your mates.
reality: You just spent £20 for a woman who hates you and pities you to jiggle around for a bit in front of you and basically leave you blue-balled with frustration and feeling a bit sick with yourself for wasting £200 on some lukewarm Lambrini
The Myth TT Curry night... A chance to meet up, eat a good curry and have a laugh..
The reallity TT Curry night.. a disorganised shambles followed by a load of whinging and moaning.
The reallity TT Curry night.. a disorganised shambles followed by a load of whinging and moaning.
Moving to a foreign country for adventure, a change of scenery and the hopes of meeting interesting people (say this one with a really sarcastic tone)
The Kama Sutra
The myth: A legendary mystical text, a valuable source of carnal knowledge. The world's oldest and most widely read guide to the pleasures and techniques of sex. Mastering the techniques in this book will make you a sex god.
The reality: Pitched at barely-literate indian farmers living in the middle-ages, the majority of this "knowledge" is either:
- self-evident:
"At the moment of the act, a hind woman must open her organ to be penetrated by a big caliber. On the other hand, the elephant woman contracts her sex to receive a small caliber. When they are of the same category, penetration is easy."
- painfully procedural (perfect for Germans!):
"How to Relax the Girl
Pressing against her, as soon as he feels the possibility, he plucks up courage. Gently, he puts his arms around her, but not for too long. He must only tackle the upper part of the body, so as not to upset her. If he already knows the girl, these approaches can be made in full lamplight, but if he has not known her previously, he must act in the dark. After caressing her breasts, he offers her betel, which he keeps in his mouth. If she refuses, he assuages her with words, vows, and protestations and, falling her feet, clasps them to him. An embarrassed woman, even if she is angry, will not let him fall at her feet. This is true in all cases."
- scary in a way that only medieval medical advice can be. Let's take a look at one procedure for penis-enlargement:
"Take shuka hairs - the shuka is an insect that lives in trees - mix them with oil and rub the penis with it for ten nights, take it off then put it on again, When a swelling appears, sleep face downward on a wooden bed, letting one's sex hang through a hole. Then with cooling mixtures eliminating the pain, the result is gradually obtained. The swelling caused by the shuka lasts for life."
- or all of the above:
"Thirteen kinds of women should be avoided: Lepers, madwomen, women thrown out of their caste, those who are incapable of keeping a secret, unchaste women, those who are too old, those whose skin is too white or too black, and those who smell bad, as well as kinswomen, those with whom one has friendship, those who have taken monastic vows, as well as the women of one's family, the wives of one's friends, of Brahmans, and of persons belonging to the royal family."
The myth: A legendary mystical text, a valuable source of carnal knowledge. The world's oldest and most widely read guide to the pleasures and techniques of sex. Mastering the techniques in this book will make you a sex god.
The reality: Pitched at barely-literate indian farmers living in the middle-ages, the majority of this "knowledge" is either:
- self-evident:
"At the moment of the act, a hind woman must open her organ to be penetrated by a big caliber. On the other hand, the elephant woman contracts her sex to receive a small caliber. When they are of the same category, penetration is easy."
- painfully procedural (perfect for Germans!):
"How to Relax the Girl
Pressing against her, as soon as he feels the possibility, he plucks up courage. Gently, he puts his arms around her, but not for too long. He must only tackle the upper part of the body, so as not to upset her. If he already knows the girl, these approaches can be made in full lamplight, but if he has not known her previously, he must act in the dark. After caressing her breasts, he offers her betel, which he keeps in his mouth. If she refuses, he assuages her with words, vows, and protestations and, falling her feet, clasps them to him. An embarrassed woman, even if she is angry, will not let him fall at her feet. This is true in all cases."
- scary in a way that only medieval medical advice can be. Let's take a look at one procedure for penis-enlargement:
"Take shuka hairs - the shuka is an insect that lives in trees - mix them with oil and rub the penis with it for ten nights, take it off then put it on again, When a swelling appears, sleep face downward on a wooden bed, letting one's sex hang through a hole. Then with cooling mixtures eliminating the pain, the result is gradually obtained. The swelling caused by the shuka lasts for life."
- or all of the above:
"Thirteen kinds of women should be avoided: Lepers, madwomen, women thrown out of their caste, those who are incapable of keeping a secret, unchaste women, those who are too old, those whose skin is too white or too black, and those who smell bad, as well as kinswomen, those with whom one has friendship, those who have taken monastic vows, as well as the women of one's family, the wives of one's friends, of Brahmans, and of persons belonging to the royal family."
Women
MYTH: I don't care, its up to you honey.
REALITY: I most certainly have an expectation regarding that that, but I am not going to give you the slightest hint to what it is, and if you fail to guess it properly it will cost you your balls.
MYTH: I don't care, its up to you honey.
REALITY: I most certainly have an expectation regarding that that, but I am not going to give you the slightest hint to what it is, and if you fail to guess it properly it will cost you your balls.
True Love
Myth: There is one true love for you on the planet. You meet, fall in love, enjoy every minute together, then ride off into the sunset, make perfect babies, and are happy to grow old together.
Reality: One heartbreak and the theory goes to hell. You then convince yourself that that person wasn't your true love. Then you go off taking the piss out of true love, by continually finding your next true love, until you realize that wasn't your true love, so you need to (really, this time) find your true love, and... and...
But somehow you don't learn to see it all differently. Thanks Walt Disney.
Myth: There is one true love for you on the planet. You meet, fall in love, enjoy every minute together, then ride off into the sunset, make perfect babies, and are happy to grow old together.
Reality: One heartbreak and the theory goes to hell. You then convince yourself that that person wasn't your true love. Then you go off taking the piss out of true love, by continually finding your next true love, until you realize that wasn't your true love, so you need to (really, this time) find your true love, and... and...
But somehow you don't learn to see it all differently. Thanks Walt Disney.
MYTH: My god this cute young whore I have just seen on the internet looks good. Let’s go and bang her.
REALITY: My god with these heavy duty condoms and her putting half a handful of lubricating gel up there – how the hell is any one gonna cum. Okay - it was still good.
REALITY: My god with these heavy duty condoms and her putting half a handful of lubricating gel up there – how the hell is any one gonna cum. Okay - it was still good.
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