What does it mean to be selfish?

Okay, am I selfish, or simply self-preserving? I’ve been called the first, but I don’t think this. I am a lounge-room floor artist (one exhibition in Adelaide) – no big deal, art for me is a hobby, something I do because it makes me happy, helps me relax, and occasionally provides me with a sense of achievement. I paint for myself. Having said that, I’ve sold maybe 9 or 10 pieces in the last few years, all originally created for myself.

Two Christmases ago, shortly after arriving here, I painted a huge picture of Bart Spencer and Terrence Hill for my boyfriend. I couldn’t afford to buy him anything decent, and a painting seemed the next best... He was wrapped (when the canvas was un-) and I was happy. But then his family saw it and likewise loved it… So, what’s the deal?! First an aunty of my boyfriend commissioned me to do a series – four paintings in total. This was okay; they paid me, (and at the time I was flat broke) and I had pretty much total freedom with subject and style (keeping a colour theme).

Then a young neighbour to my b/f saw his painting and asked if I’d draw a portrait for her. I have difficulty saying no – though I tried, eventually I gave in and just did it for her. €20 (equating to about €1.5 per hour). My boyfriend’s sister then asked if she could by a piece I did for my mum (but haven’t sent home). Again, couldn’t say no. She’ll pay, but hardly a spot of what I’d want for it if I was hanging it in a gallery. And now the mother of my b/f wants me to do a great big painting to give her husband for Christmas. He is a horse rider. She wants a mural of at least 5 horses (portraits of horses the husband has owned).

I tried harder this time to say no. but I’m still expected to at least give it a try. People who aren’t artistic don’t realize how much time and effort and heart-ache goes into a production. When I can paint what I want, in the time I want, with no expectations, I really enjoy painting. When I have expectations and dictations controlling my efforts, I hate painting. It becomes work. And now I’ve got a full time job, I don’t need to work in my spare time!!!

My boyfriend’s family has helped me out in various ways. They’ve been incredibly supportive and generous (old furniture etc.). So when I turn around and tell my boyfriend that I really don’t want to do the painting, he suggests that I’m selfish. I fear failure much too much, and I don’t stand up well against expectations. I don’t think I’m capable of painting five horse (never painted them before) and what’s more, I hate horses! This is really difficult to explain, but I feel exploited when people expect me to paint for them… I’d rather have no talent than have to be put to work because of it… SO am I selfish, or just too full of self doubt and worry about letting people down. Any other artists out there???

I don't think your feelings/actions are selfish at all. It seems to me as if they really don't understand the time and effort that goes into each painting. It's not your job, it's a hobby. Sounds to me like you've done more than enough favors for people already. I mean, are they even paying you for the supplies for the paintings? I USED to be an artist, but I don't have much interest in it now because people were always wanting favors so I just slowly lost the desire for it. I still have old artwork I did years ago and I don't show it to anyone now for fear they will want favors!

You just need to get a backbone and tell em to phuck off or pay you. But that's just me, I'm EXTREMELY blunt when I have to express myself.

just tell them that you are pressed for time!!

You have to protect yourself from being exploited. I had to learn that myself, not being an artist, but an Art Director / Graphic Designer. My advice would be to limit the work you do for free to maybe 2-3 projects a year. It can be very rewarding to work for free if you do it to return a favour or when it is really serving a good cause, so personally I wouldn't completely rule it out. When I get asked to work for free I usually say I am busy right now, can you call me again next week, and I am surprised how many people never call back.

If you were a doctor or lawyer and everyone was running to you for free advice, it would be the same. Or a hair stylist, and everyone expects you to do their hair for free. Or someone who is handy with carpentry or painting, and everyone wants help with home renovations. You aren't being selfish, your time is valuable. What does your boyfriend do for a living? Would he spend all his spare time providing those services to every relative and friend who asks? I doubt it.

The point is, take yourself and your time seriously, and others will too. You obviously have a very marketable talent. Be brave and tell your b/f's mother that what she has asked is not the kind of work you can do. Tell her what you could do (a small painting, subject of your -not her- choice). If that's not good enough for her, I can recommend these people: schildersfabriek.nl. The are inexpensive and did a portrait of my dog that I am very happy with.

Next, make it clear to your boyfriend and anyone who asks that you are concentrating your efforts on gallery work. Thank them for their vote of confidence, and ask them for their support. Say no to any more requests, because as you have seen, one leads to another and another. Perhaps they have good intentions and these are just misguided efforts to be supportive. I think if you let people know that you take your work seriously, they will too. Good luck!

An artist usually won't be able to put their best effort into a work of art that they simply hated from the beginning, in your case, painting a bunch of horses onto a canvas, unless, of course, there is some sort of motivation (eg: money).

Not wanting to do the work for free is definitely not selfish, whether or not they gave you old furniture. Furniture can be easily bought and then passed on, but what they're asking you to do is to provide them with an original painting for free, which is, in my opinion, not fair at all. It looks like your boyfriend's mother wants to take the easy way out around Xmas time by not having to cough up the dough for a good gift.

If you're going to do the painting, I would ask them to provide some sort of compensation for your work, plain and simple. They have no idea what it's like to be a "starving artist!"

hey, thanks for the support and advice. i think i'm just a spineless jelly fish. wobble round and sting behind the back (i.e. grizzle and spit to b/f). i've be witness to my father being treated like a mat, just because he is likewise - doesn't like letting ppl down, doesn't like not meeting expectations, and expects too little in return... i hate that idea of "you scratch my back, i'll scratch yours". the germans i know well are definantly in favor of this attitude...

Nah, you're not spineless. Spineless is agreeing to everyone and everything and not knowing any better - just letting them go ahead and walk on you. You're objecting to it, and that's the first step! You go girl, and get in touch with your "inner bitch". She's your friend

OK so where in Adelaide was your exhibition?

You state in your post that art is a hobby. This means that you are not doing it to make money and just for fun. One of my good friends was a photographer but it was not his job. He didn't really take requests for taking pictures but he would do tons of them but he never once sold one. Even if it was to a random person on the street and they were like "can i have a picture of that" he would as for an email and email it to them. (obviously that didnt happen often but i do know of a few cases where random people that didnt know him asked for a pic and he emailed it) Anyways, i think if you love to paint and dont need the money from your art there is no reason that you should give or sell for the cost of the supplies but i dont think you need to take "orders" and then get paid regular salary if it is just a hobby. You can if you would like to but obviously you dont want to so just say that. Just my 5 cents to add in.

Why don't you simply tell them that the paint supplies are very expensive and ask them to pay for them. Really good oils, pastels, canvas, etc. do cost a lot. Buy the most expensive stuff and A LOT, i.e. several tubes of products, several canvases, brushes, the lot. That way they are paying for your art supplies and will finance your "hobby" on the side.

I would think that there is a definite difference with respect to the costs involved here. Taking photos with a digital camera and sending by email just involves your attention for a few minutes. (If you want to go to the extremes, the electricity used to charge the camera?? may be)

on the other hand, paiting, even when it is a hobby costs. It costs much more time (you might disagree here, nevertheless) and materials. I think the OP is completely justified to either tell them that she is not inclined to fulfill mother in law's wishes, or ask for payment.

I am indeed a fellow artist, who is in a rather similar boat as yourself!

Like you, it is still just a hobby for me, and I have sold a few paintings over the past few years to family and friends. I dread the question 'Oh that looks great, can you draw my dog/cat/baby (delete as applicable) for me?'.

And I know what you mean about time, effort and care. Every time you paint something you are almost bleeding a part of your personality and self onto the canvas, and this, although a wonderfully fulfilling thing, can also be draining. I also find parting with my paintings sometimes quite difficult, as you can get quite possessive over something that has taken 20 hours of your life to produce.

I would suggest that you are not selfish. If your painting was a job, then no you shouldn't turn customers away, as no sensible business would. But as it is a family member or loved one, and it is still your hobby, then you have the right to say no. It may hurt people, and cause you suffering but you need to detach yourself from the situation.

I hope these ramblings have helped somewhat.

Do you have any examples online of your work I could take a peek at?

B

I would like to put on a painting exhibition in my arcade. In the luxurious Altona-North part of Hamburg. A weekend show running from Friday to Sunday.
Theme: symbols of home and away !

anyone aroused can pm me or pop into shop or phone 8514478

P.S.The paintings outside my shop were painted myself or paid for.

robert berridge

Hello Robert (previous post)

Sounds interesting. I will give it a miss this time but would be very interested if you have any future projects or ideas. I have only been living here, just outside Hamburg, for 4 weeks and am just getting my act together with my painting. But perhaps later in the year I would be able to contribute something.

Good to see fellow painters milling about Toytown