My boyfriend has been cheating on me

Hallo fabulous users of Toytown,

I am in the shittyest situation of my life and would like some good ol' fashion TT advice.

My "awesome, wonderful, fabulous boyfriend" I used to speak of is meant to be moving to New Zealand in 3 weeks to be with me. We were living together in Munich for a year before I had to come back here. I have recently been told by him that in the 3 months we have been apart he has be shagging one of his mates, funnily enough the one I always thought had a thing for him even though he denied it.

Stupidly though, I still love him...

So good people of my once fab home TT, what would you do?

"Cheating bastard, My german boyfriend is a wanker "

"Stupidly though, I still love him..."

Does he still want to move and what do you want? If you can put up with somebody cheating on you then that could take you one way. If not then buy some tissues and move on.

No trust=No relationship.

He still wants to move, but I dunno if it will all be fucked up now. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh

You already have the answer. Simply reread your post.

It's really no good asking other people. You need to decide what level of trust and commitment you need in your relationship and find out why he cheated on you. If you can deal with that then maybe there's something still there for you. If not then you need to make a hard decision.

excuse him once, he will do it again! People that burn you once are never to be trusted again! (men or women, dating or only friends!).

It wasn´t a one-time slip-up, it was a 3-month affair which he lied about.

Why did he tell you now? Honesty so that you can start with a clean slate when he arrives? Or the coward´s way of trying to break up with you? Fear of leaving Germany?

It depends on whether you think you can forgive and forget. Devil´s advocate: if he is moving to be with you, let him move, see how it goes, and if you decide you can´t hack it with him, ditch him and send him back home. At least you don´t have to make the decision about whether to move to another country to be with him -- he is the one making the big change.

He's a guy, he has these urges, you can't expect him to repress them!
*provides paper towels to wipe up the irony*

Honey, you are both young and still gaining experience. Welcome to the worst possible one in a relationship. Personally, I would sit down and talk it through before he moves to NZ because once he's there you are no way going to send him back.
Good luck.

Yea it is soooo tempting to tell him to come then leave him at the airport. But I'm not quite that mean.

He slept with a girl 4 times the past week, and said he likes her but loves me and wants to be with me.

I maybe wonder if it's something to do with the whole "I'm leaving for good and it's now or never" because he used to have a thing for her before he met me.

Although...If I do leave him at least he doesn't get away punishment free. The kaution from our old flat together that he paid arrives in my bank account soon, I'm sure a few grand will help ease the pain...

How do you think you will feel when you're with him now? Will you be able to switch it off or are you the type of person who holds on to things?

High five, sister! Make him crawl and beg but give him his share.

I have no idea how I would feel and don't think I would know until I saw him again. Sometimes I think I want to forgive him but then it's like everything he told me was all crap.

Ah I wish I could wake up and it would all go away.

You're obviously and understandably hurt and angry. Make sure to sit on this until you feel comfortable, have collected your thoughts and are ready to make some kind of a decision with regards to the relationship. Rationality and relationships don't go together so make sure at least that your decisions are influenced by impulse as little as possible.

are you more mad at him for cheating or for her ( the friend) for being the cheatie?

I'm curious how somebody can want to move their whole life the other side of the world and thinks they can get away with boffing somebody else before doing it. Seems strange.

It's not easy to stop loving someone, even though it might be the most sensible thing to do in your situation. Ask yourself if he could still be the love of your life after hurting you the way he did.

Him, it was his friend not mine but I have met her. She was single so I never think it is fair to completly blame the girl when he was the one cheating. I think it wasn't even the fact he slept with her, it was how it was 4 times and that he told me it was more than sex caus he likes her.

He also told me he went around there after the first or second time to tell her he couldn't do it anymore and "it just happened again" What he just slipped and fell inside her?? Funny how I never seem to find that happening to me.

i think you should show him the door. i was forgiving after my ex cheated once, tried to work it out...blah blah... and it came back to bite me in the ass!! He cheated again!!
A Leopard never changes its spots, no matter wat they say!! I was told every lie under the sun. Look out for yourself, if you dont, no-one else will hunni

Dead simple, if they've done it once they will do it again, your choice my love.

Move to a new address in NZ and don't leave a forwarding address. He's no good. Find another guy. Sorry to be so harsh, but I can't stand cheating bastards.

To be honest I doubt he would deserve you forgiving him, but this is something no one can decide for you. You have to do what you know is right.
And why bother moving or not leaving a forwarding address, why even go through that trouble? It's not like NZ is right next to Germany ... And by the way, even if he still was to join you in NZ, that doesn't mean you're stuck with him. NZ is your country, not his. It's your home. He can move there of course but that doesn't mean you can't break up with him anymore. (Or does he get his visa through you somehow?)
You don't just stop loving someone even if you know they don't deserve your love, but it'll get better eventually. Anyway, make the decision that is best for you, that you know will make you feel best in the long run. I can personally imagine myself not being strong enough to dump a guy after cheating on me but I know I wouldn't be able to forgive it either, so in the long run the relationship would go down the drain anyway, and I might just end it right away (I really hope that when/if I have to face this situation I will be able to be rational enough to see it the same way I do now). Not sure what kind of person you are but I think very few couples can move past something like this. To me it just seems so disrespectful of him to do this, especially with those circumstances he has mentioned (that it has been more than once and with someone he has feelings for, not that it would really be that much better if it was just a ONS)!
Sweetie, I'm sorry you have to deal with this now, how crappy. But I think you will come out stronger in the end! And maybe look at it that way that at least he showed that side of his before he moved to NZ.

yeah...

First thing I'd do is never to post on TT and ask advice here. Failing that, make up your own mind what to do. Thats what life is about, making a decision that may be right or wrong, but at least you make it yourself and not a bunch of people behind keyboards doing it for you.

If not else... pride and some good healthy self-esteem should be sufficient to put an end to this. I think we people all deserve better than cheating relationships. How come he himself didn't suggest a break-up, yet? Why is HIS guilt on YOUR shoulders now, 100%? Did you ask him what he would do if it all was the other way around??? I'd be curious to hear it... if I were you.

Let's say you get back together. He'll assume you believe you have a "I get to fuck anybody I like 4 times" card. Bad foundation for a relationship. Cut him loose, but not til you get that Kaution back.

It's his kaution going into my account Yea I really have no idea still what to do. He said he would leave me if I did it when I asked what he would do if he was me, and that he could never forgive me. Yea think leaving him is going to be a goer...although letting him come then telling him to fuck off if it doesn't work is also looking like that easy option so I don't have to decide anything now. Man life is crappy sometimes.

If it's his Kaution then I would have some integrity and not take it. Let him have that Kaution to use to start a new life for himself without you if your decision is to break up with him. Regarding him coming to NZ, if you let him come to NZ it may be more difficult for you to cut him loose. I would focus on what you truly want for your life and what kind of integrity you want the people who you allow in your life to possess. If your boyfriend meets your standards then drive on.

I would postpone the move, time is the issue here. You need time for all of this to sette and to get yourself out of the woods. Once you have sorted out your priorities youcan let him know one way or the other. He won't like it, but its a small price to pay for his actions.

I would personally think the thing to do is give the money back whatever. Taking money that is somebody else's, whatever the circumstances , is hardly taking the moral high ground.

In a perverse way it might even make him reflect on what he's done. 'She does the right thing by me and all I did was wave my trouser snake in an inappropriate direction' type of thinking.

As I keep saying, the easy thing to do is just react and dump; as so many will say. It's not the place of a group of losely connected people to tell you what to do but I think asking the question and venting a bit can be a valuable thing. Just look deep inside yourself and think what the future is likely to be whatever path you take. I also still think it's really important to talk to him and find out what exactly what happened and why.

Good luck and remember , however bad you're feeling , life always get better. It just takes a while sometimes.

Tell the piece of shit to fuck off and not to try and contact you ever again. Keep all the deposit money. Only take him back if he comes crawling on his knees and kisses your feet.

Ditch him NOW & move on - this cannot be the basis for a trusting relationship. Determine your values & stick to principles...

Hes got a ticket for NZ? Too bad - actions should have consequences...

However, deal with the finances honestly.

yea I wouldn't actually take his money, I'm just fricken mad. He even had the balls to tell me to keep it as though he could just pay me off or something. Why does everything have to hurt so bad though, such crap

Judging by your Vent you've already made up your mind. Stick to it.

JW and dolfan offer sage advice. Is it imperative that he come to NZ very soon? Relationship decisions that are rushed by external pressures or circumstances can be really risky. At the very least, you have the right to demand that he immediately cut off all contact with the other woman if he wishes to have a chance at salvaging a loving, committed relationship with you. Does he realize how much damage he has done? If you want to forgive and see if it's safe to trust him again, it would be good for him to have, say, a couple months more in Germany. See if his behavior changes and if his feelings for you are really strong enough so that he'll wait for you.

I believe "demanding" him to end his fling is not the right way to go. Nor do I believe the OP have the "right" to demand this. You have to allow him the opportunity to chose what he think is right for him and how he wants to handle his relationship with you and even the other person. In my experience, demanding a partner to do anything is really counterproductive and only compounds negative feelings. We are mature adults and should be allowed to make personal decisions on our own volition. Furthermore, I know many men and women who had flings and decided to cut off their relationship with the other person. However, their relationship with their wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, or husband still ended because of the broken trust. So demanding he ends his relationship does not mean he will salvage the relationship with the OP.

He has a non-refundable ticket for the 27th of July.

@ Lavender Rain - I can't agree. A relationship is like a business contract where partners agree on a certain common goal. If one partner veers from that goal the other partner has every right to demand either convening to the contract or face immediate termination for cause.
If Scogs had been seeing anyone on the sly and I found out you bet I would have demanded that he stopped seeing her, or I would have changed the locks, and he knew that. Same thing applied vice versa.

Is that your problem?

At the moment I have just said I will think about it, as long as he never sees or speaks to her again.

Sarabyrd, I see your point. However, any man or woman who is interested in trying to salvage their relationship after having an affair would be a fool not to know you have to end your fling. You shouldn't have to "demand" for your partner to do this (stop seeing someone else), or demand anything else in a committed relationship. I do think your expectations should be clear though.

I believe placing demands on another person in a relationship for anything and I do mean anything is inappropriate. I believe people should be allowed to make their decisions and live with what ever are the consequences of their actions or decisions.

Don't even consider this in your decision. He made the choice to cheat, which jeopardized your planned future together. If you end up dumping him and he has to eat the cost of the ticket, well, that was as a result of his actions. Sorry, this is really a shitty situation.

The more I think about it the more I'm going towards leaving him. He hasn't once called me,emailed me or anything since he told me. And I don't even think he regrets it. Seems like a really pussy way of trying to get me to break up with him.

Exactly! Just tell him the July 27 flight is off the table and see if he wants to still work things out with you or goes back to the other woman. Given the circumstances, this is not a lot to ask.

One thing i know is that if God has destined both of you to be together surely most both of you come together as one.Don't force or persuade him to do anything.Let him do what he wants to do.It might be the work of God to get him off your way rather than having a cause to blame God.So Let the will of God be done.What must be must be.God bless you

So he dropped this bomb on you about the affair and didn't give you any support afterwards? To me this seems insensitive and selfish, but you don't know why he hasn't tried to make contact with you. Has he been insensitive before, besides the affair?

What I was wondering what motivated him to tell you at the moment in time that he told you? Why couldn't he wait and tell you this in person?

My intuition is telling me he's not ready to leave Germany or perhaps the relationship with this other woman.

My advice to you is to have some courage to do what you think is in your own best interest.

When we lived together in Germany I honestly believed I had found the most amazing guy ever. So no before all this he was awesome.But yea he told me last night via msn of all things and I had to be the one who called him and today I didn't even have an email.

He said he was going to wait to tell me in person but thought I should know (I knew something was up but couldn't figure out what)

CF, if you don't mind me asking, just how long have you known him? Is he German?

Do you think he may have some fears about moving to New Zealand?

We have been together just over a year and a half.