Daughter trying to find British soldier's family

It's easy to see why people would get confused and not recognise the term eh?

Chaymarie, I wish you luck in your search. Can you be certain however that your mum is not telling you a pack of lies about him living in Germany and married to a German. Perhaps he didn't die.. perhaps he is just living down the street? Perhaps he is a member of TT.

What about your mum's friends / relatives.. surely someone would know something about this guy ?

If the guy was killed in this way, would there have been some local news converage?

May be an idea to track down the local newspaper and see if they have an archive of some sort. As its news (and if a story exists) the OP will have access to whatever is in the article.

Which local newspaper? Nobody knows where he was killed and when.
Thus my idea to get in touch with Deutsche Bahn (formally known as Deutsche Bundesbahn) to reduce the search area first.

So did your mum & stepdad 'pretend' that your stepdad was your real dad? If so, when and how come this has come out? Did she just blurt it out one day? Has your stepdad verified the story or did he always believe you were his own child? Have they recently split up? I'm just trying to understand what's going on in your mother's head, I agree that something smells a bit fishy, I'm wondering what her motives were in telling you, but not really telling you if you see what I mean. Just seems strange. I hope she is not sending you on a wild goose chase.

Good luck!

My stepdad took me on as his own he knew i was'nt his, i grew up believing he was my father, Mum and him split up and Mum met another guy i didnt get on well with him at all, we argued alot and he told me that Gary was not my father. Mum went absolutely nuts at him, i found out when i was 13 and could'nt get anything out of her until i was in my twenties.

I understand that Mum may well be feeding me a pack of lies but i need to elliminate the possibility he is dead, to be honest i do beleive he is dead i just dont think my Mum wants me to find my family as she didn't tell them about me. They lost there Son and had a secret Grandaughter for 24 years i cant see that going down to well, they are going to be angry at her, and its going to cause crap in her happy life right now, but she needs to face the consequences of her lies and secrecy and i need to find my family its my born right to know who my father is and my family.

She doesn't even have to meet them if she doesn't want to, if they are angry at her then she won't even know about it. Talk to her, really, she has nothing to lose now, unless there's something about him that's keeping her from doing so. She had quite a shock and I'm guessing that she was hoping to just brush it off so it will go away, if she realises that's out of the question now and it's really hurting you not knowing, perhaps she'll come round. Try not to be visibly angry at her, that won't help you right now.

Not like I want to give false hopes, but all this thing sounds fishy, if your father is dead why your mother cares so much? I would not discard the possibility that he is still alive and she is trying to hold you from finding him.

actually I wonder if Alex is also his real name , try the hotel where your mum worked maybe someone remembers her and the soldier she was dating they should have a record of ex employees you could get in touch with

I passed the info onto a chum of mine who transfered to RMP/SIB and was around at that time maybe he can get something a bit more concrete.
Can't blame the woman for looking for her body father, I would do it too!

I have a brilliant plan!!!

Its not so interesting when he died, if he even did, but when he went to Germany. To what extent can you localise this timeframe? Obviously after you were conceived. Before you were born?

Correct me if I’m wrong, but don’t army bases keep excruciating records whenever soldiers are transferred between bases. If somebody in the DoD records department was giving the job of finding all soldiers transferred to Germany with the first name Alex in a certain timeframe you would get useful information, maybe 100 surnames, and of course addresses although God knows how valid these would be. Certainly when they got married and to who.

Unfortunately the DoD is not going to do this out of the goodness of their heart. You need a boyfriend who works in the DoD records department. Are you single?

I’m assuming the record’s department is in an office building somewhere in London. Hang around outside and observe clerky types coming out. Pick one you like the look of and pick him up. If he’s nice you have a nice new boyfriend, and if he isn’t either find another one, or just have a short term relationship.

Picking him up is easy. Just follow him, bar, bowling, squash what ever, and then trip over and spill a drink on him (water please). If you’re apologetic and attractive he’ll be nice about it (if he isn’t then move one and find another target), and you can beg him to allow you to buy him dinner to apoligise for clumsiness. Any guy will go for that.

As a couple you’ll talk. Get all sad and defensive when has asks about your father, initially you don’t want to talk about it but slowly let him extract the truth from you. He’ll then suggest he can help you.

I'm sure you could get the same info if you just ride the underground long enough ,they're always leaving top secret stuff lying around on the trains

Dead or alive my fathers name is definately Alex/Alexander and he was definately in the army and from Gorleston / Great Yarmouth, i suppose it could be possible his surname was Alexander but i'm sure it's his christian name. My stepdad Gary met Alex once, in the oceanrooms in Gorleston, Alex tried talking to my mum but she didn't want to talk to him so Gary told him to stay away. This was definately before i was born but Mum may of been pregnant with me ath the time not sure though. Unfortunately my step dad does'nt know much more about him. My mum had a picture of him in khaki/camaflouge army uniform if only i could find that picture!

I have tried talking to my Mum, tried being nice, i have tried everything but all she wants to do is argue and tell me it's her past and she is not going to tell me anymore. We dont talk to each other
anymore. Both my sisters know who their Dad is and he was'nt a great guy, so why the hell cant i know more about mine.

Possibly your mother is ashamed of her taste in men. Just a thought. Or she was (date-)raped and is trying to repress anything that reminds her of it. Or your Dad left her in a lurch when he found out that she was in the family way.

Behaving the way she is, however, she is going to have a lonely, bitter old age.

He was definately in Germany in 1982, and 1983, 1984 although i do believe he toured in hot desitinations as well, to be honest i would'nt have a clue where that would be in the 80's as i dont know much about the history of British Army campaigns etc etc

He was on leave in Dec 1982 / Jan 1983 and back home in Gorleston as that was when i was conceived.

Do you not know any people around that place where he used to live/go home in 1982/3 and try to locate anyone who might remember him ?
I am sure he talked to someone other than his family when he was in town..?

She has told me she was in a relationship with Alex and he left her for some girl called Sally, then things didn't work out with her, he met and married a german lady.

All my Mum wants to do is shout and argue she wont talk, she just tells me she is never going to tell me anymore and that its her past. Whatever happened between Mum and Dad Mum should never had kept me from him, its unfair and its cruel.

I am trying to find his parents as i beleive they live in Gorleston area ... somewhere, i am asking people but nothing yet

A reasonable counter argument would be that since you shot out of his knob then it's your past also...but I guess reason isn't playing a large part in these discussions.

I have said i am part of her past, her past is affecting the here and now ... but no she does'nt see that its all about how she feels she honestly beleives it should'nt bother me. SO reason def does'nt come into play with a conversation involving my mother.

As it seems to me the knives are out between you and you mum why not tell her you are pregnant and the doctors believe they have identified a genetic abnormality in the foetus, so you urgently need to make contact with your natural fathers family to make genetic comparison and identify the issue with a view to genetic treatment before you miscarry her grandfoetus. Most mothers go weak at the knees at the thought of a grandchild on the way. Later you simply tell her you mis-carried anyway.

OK, name passed on! See if that helps her out any.

Hang on.. bit of an inconsistancy here. Are you sure that your stepfather is not your real father, or your 'natural father slept with your mum after she got together with your step father although you say your mum did not want to talk to him ? Maybe this is a spoof thread after all... probably someone having a right laugh. Or this is just a bit too complex for me to comprehend

Do you still have regular contact with your stepdad ? Try telling him how you're feeling about this over a few drinks, he may well be see things from your point of view and tell you something to help.
At least quiz him on the train crash story and see if it is consistent with your Mum's account.

I am in contact with my stepdad and he was told the same thing as me.

It's far from a spoof thread i genuienly am going through this. The above is not an inconsistency, i am not my stepdads daughter!

I was simply stating my stepdad Gary met Alex once.

It is a complex case to be honest i dont think there are many children who are having to go through this right now. It's hard for me to keep up with, with my Mum constantly changing things so i can understand you getting a little lost.

Thankyou everyone so far for your help. Some very kind and helpful British Army Soldiers are helping me with my enquiries at the moment and hopefully i may find some progress.

I reckon that there's a better than even chance that he's still alive.

Your mum doesn't want to talk about it, so she's telling you he's dead so that you don't bother looking for him. If he really was dead, then there would be no reason for her to not tell you his name. There would be no need to risk her relationship with you, just to prevent you from visiting a grave. Add to that the inconsistencies in her story and I'd say that I'm pretty sure he's still alive.

Perhaps he is alive but i will never know the truth until i find it ... he could be dead but bare in mind if he is dead she has kept me secret from my grandparents and his family i think they would be very angry and she does'nt want anything from the past spoiling her life now, she does'nt particarly care its destroying mine as long as shes ok.

Have you thought about the births deaths and marriages web site ? have you thought about hiring a Private Investigator ? these people are specialists at sorting this kinda stuff out and they are much cheaper than you'd imagine, plus thay have all the access to weird wonderful web sites that normal folks would'nt believe existed, give it a go.

Well got 1800 hits on arrse and a few answers but nothing def. Shall check now and again. Good luck.

Thankyou for your help Stephen, its been much appreciated. He may still be alive but i will not presume anything until i find something concrete.

There is one avenue that you'll no doubt find very helpful and I'm suprised that no one else has mentioned it with all the good advice given so far. The Royal British Legion, many ex/soldiers are members and they have ways to get information where others fail from the MoD.

Keep looking, good luck but please don't fight with your mother over this, you'll both lose out if you feud over this.

If he was from Yarmouth, why don't you start there? If he was killed in a train accident, it's very likely that the local paper had an article about it. At the very least a death announcement

http://www.advertiser24.co.uk/content/advertiser24/ Here are links to the local newspapers.

http://new.edp24.co.uk/

Below is a link to Norfolk Roots, they will do research for you for a fee in local newspapers.
http://www.norfolkroots24.co.uk/norfolkroo...ry/default.aspx
You can also go there and do your own research for a smaller fee.

I don't know how big the Gorleston area is but there should be plenty of people still alive who would have known him if he really did grow up there.

Ask your stepfather about him some more. What did he look like, did he have siblings, did he drink, smoke, do sports, etc, etc, etc. What's more, write down every version of every story that you hear. Memory is an incredibly fluid thing and we tend to remember things selectively.

I've spent the last couple of years working on my family history and I can't begin to tell you how many versions of the same event I've heard. By picking through them, you can eventually find a little nugget of truth.

Also, don't rely on the internet as your only source of information. If you expect it to reunite you with your father, you may well be sorely disappointed. You need to talk to people face to face. You may look like your father of his sister or aunt or mother and that might trigger someone's memory.

I wish you luck but I'll warn you now, in my family history research, I've heard a lot of stories and some I wish I had never heard.

It's more than a bit sad reading so many posts on this.
There is a UK Government Department called the GRO.
General Register Office. It is now part of the ONS.
(Office for National Statistics).
It maintains the records of all Births, Marriages and Deaths
of UK citizens.
This includes servicemen who died abroad.
The (summary) records are available for public viewing.
Try "Googling" GRO /General Register Office / Southport
and 'phone the ONS, Smedley Hydro, Trafalgar Rd, Southport
(or even write to them).
You will find exceptionally helpful people there to show you
what your next step should be.
(I used to work there (only a fixed term contract) and was most impressed)

Thankyou for your advice i will contact the british legion and the local newspapers but i have looked through archives and found nothing.


Thankyou so much for your help i shall have a look at the website and contact them. Thankyou :-)

I would be seriously pissed off with my mum, everyone deserves to know where they come from and have a family, it doesn't matter what he done to her, she probably thinks she is protecting you and im sure she has your best interests at heart, but you have to let her know how much this means to you, if it comes to it, threaten to never speak to her again...its harsh but it might work.

I really hope you find them.

Good luck and dont give up

Have you tried the Yarmouth Mercury as someone else said, if a local was killed in odd circumstances they may have picked it up. Also this is a long shot but I will email a friend of mine who I believe was in the Royal Anglians around that time frame, he was in Celle in 1980 so it is possible he may have still been there then or heard something, he is also from Gt Yarmouth and did used to go to the ocean rooms though I think that would have been before he joined up, but it seems they would have been of a similar age, anyway I will let you know if he knows anything.

You could also try Friends reunited, maybe check casually with your mum & find out what school she went to & the years & then post as her asking for her friends to contact, there is also a group for the 1st Royal Anglians on Friends reunited so try that too.

Good luck

Hello,

Yes i have tried the Great Yarmouth Mercury, i have posted messages to people on friends reunited who would of been in my mother / fathers year at school. A Peter Woodrow contacted me he went to school with a guy called ALEX ARMSTRONG, this Alex lived in Gorleston then moved to Burgh Castle the last time he saw Alex was approx 8-10 years ago. He believes this particular Alex did leave school and join the forces, he is tall, & stocky with darky curly hair apparently! Alex if still alive would be in his mid-late forties so i am currently trying to locate the Armstrong family as there is a possibilty this Alex could well be my father.

I will check out the 1st Royal Anglians group on friends reunited thankyou.

Kind regards

Charlotte

Hi Maria,

I did threaten not to speak to her again and since i walked out the door she has'nt bothered to contact me, she does'nt want to know. I have told her on countless occasions how much it would mean to me to find my father but she shouts at me and tells me she will take it to the grave with her. So all i can do is continue scouting internet sites and message people in the hope someone out there knows something!

having been a social worker in family law for twenty years your mum sounds to me like she actually does not 'know' who your biological father is and that is why she is continuing with this story. Some people get pregnant to strangers and then make up incredible stories to ensure they can face what they did years later, they emotionally and mentally block out the truth to protect their own self image. Sorry but its true. Maybe the only truth is here is that the birth certificate states 'father unknown' and thats the truth. I am sorry for your situation. Your mum is trying to 'save face' rather than admit that she does not know. If on the other hand she is being bitter then an excellent forum is Family and friends reunited and that gives the post for forces reunited by place or regiment etc and not by name. GOOD LUCK.

Charlotte,

Just recieved an email from the friend that was in the Royal Anglians:

QUOTE

Sue

My apologies for not getting back earlier.

Been travelling last few weeks .

Cant say I remember the name at all but my wife knows him well as she used to work with Debbie Mills and she is digging up old friends to see if she can get his name.

Says she believes Debbie had a baby by him

lets hope she doesn't contact your mother!! Anyway I will let you know if she comes up with anything..

Wow, sounds like some connections are being made and our OP may get the info she wanted.

That looks like quite a lead. Hope it brings something, and she keeps us updated

Well we will see, this friend is living in the US at the moment so it may take a while for her to get any info from old friends, then again with facebook & all them who knows!!

oh that whitestallion dude is gonna be sad when he sees she has found her papa.

I have just read this post and cried, this means so much, that someone out there does know who and where my Dad is. Thankyou Leky thankyou so much for going out of your way to help me that means so so much. Sorry to run on but with my Mum being so bitter and nasty and refusing to tell me it means alot that people who dont even know me are helping me. I know that my Dad may possibly be dead or may not want anything to do with me but i just need to know the truth and where i come from, who my family are.

Thankyou xx

Maybe he'll take some time to ponder what Chaymarie did differently that made people want to help her... Chaymarie, hope everything works out for you!

I have recieved some new info today

That my father actually died in a motorcylce accident and it was in Germany, he definately was serving soldier in the british army.

He used to live with my Grandparents and older brother on Avondale Road ( near the pineshop ) in Gorleston.

The person giving me this information also strongly believes his surname was Mc Carth / Mc Karth, but is trying to find more info such as when the accident was etc etc my Grandparents have now moved from Avondale Road to another address so need to find them.

Hi all another update,

My fathers name is Alexander Mc Cabe ( i believe this is how its spelt ) My father was adopted so i am not sure how to go about finding my blood family.

Date of birth 14th September 1963

He was in the REME unit of the British Army and based in Germany, he served in the army for 9 years , he left the army and worked as a lorry driver.

My father died in a motorcycle accident in Germany in 1994, he was passing a train level crossing and was hit by the train.

Funeral services where held in the UK and also in Germany as he settled in Germany and did indeed marry a german native.

If anyone knows anyone who served in REME please get in touch

Regards

Charlotte