Fiance's parents encouraging affair with ex?!

90 posts in this topic

Posted

It seems that his mother has decided its the ex-girlfriend (with all percieved issues) over you.

If hes one where mother had daily influence over him then you are onto a looser (even though from your description hes currently appearing to "resist") & its time to get out before things get worse.

Luckily for my me MIL lives 1.5 hours drive away & they didn't meddle at all with us (although my wife phones x times a day). We've been together since 1984; Silver anniversiary this November :)

2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted

I gather the two of you are not married, right? Not that it really matters.

Here's my take:

If son and ex are on speaking terms, or even friendly, some German parents will stay friendly, too. I am the ex for one family, and we still talk.

German [soon to be]MILs are just like MILs all over the world = some will interfere.

The same red flags apply: Plotting to make son and ex meet against his resistance is NOT OK.

If she is "like a daughter", then sister and mother can meet her on their own, even invite her over without forcing meetings with the son.

I don't know what the motives are (get rid of you? pity for the ex? Friends with her?), but the things going on are NOT IN YOUR INTEREST.

And why did hubby let her text and call and visit in the past? That is a hubby red flag!!

Therefore:

- Number one urgently move out!!

I would demand that asap. Even if it is just a small hotel/B&B outside of town, and look for a short term furnished rental later. Your peace of mind will be worth the cost. And hubby will prove his resolve.

- Be friendly to MIL, but do not accept the ex being there when you visit. Leave when she turns up.

- Stay in communication with hubby, don't pretend nothing is wrong, but don't condemn him right off. Let him prove his worth.

- And, lastly, sadly, if hubby cannot untangle himself from the ex, then counseling/serious talking/short or long term separation are looming on the horizon...

... I really don't wish this to happen to you, and don't do anything hasty.

But up to now, your instincts seem OK to me (having lived both in US and Germany for a long time).

3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted

I gather the two of you are not married, right? Not that it really matters.

She did refer to "my fiance" in the first post.

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted

She did refer to "my fiance" in the first post.

Which I think you will find is pretty much the very definition of the word UNMARRIED fellah.

2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted

Get a spellchecker before defining words afresh :).

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted

*laughs out loud* So true...

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted

@HEM- it's far far easier to escape an *engagement* in Germany than breaking your gym or mobile phone contract.

I was refering to that other thread about an apartment...

I accidentally married Vodafone back in 2003.

...and I unfortunately a private Krankenversicherung back in 1986.

2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted

:1. German boyfriend is banging his ex.2. Current bird is now spying on his emails, phone, camera etc.3. In-Laws don't really like the new bird (auslander tsk tsk) and wants him back with the ex.Anyone wanna write the next stage of the script....

I so hope you're wrong... but it is a valid interpretation, with everybody doing something uncool.

Let's what the OP's next steps are, and if she lets us know.

Edit:

Erm, Johnny has a point there, better find out if those are hubby's kids!!

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted

Sorry to be harsh - but this is the *interwebby* so bit of a crazy place to have this kinda discussion openly in the 1st place. Also of course a pretty scary possibility that I am correct on all points.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted

I'm with move out all the way. Once you move out, you can decide that this girl is not coming to your house ever for any reason and you can make it clear to the inlaws that if they invite her over while you are there, you will leave but right now, you can not tell them who to have over at their own house. If they are friends with her and want to keep her around, you can not tell them that they can't do that. Your fiancé seems to be laying down a line as well with his family and if I was in that situation with my family, I'd make it clear to them that if I say I am not interested, that's it, no more attempts but it's hard when you are living at their house.

I know a couple of families where the parents were not happy with the spouse their child picked and would have preferred someone else, maybe even an ex. It often ends up with an alienated child cutting off contact. Maybe you should also explain to his mother that she is not doing the ex any favours by trying to get her back together with your husband when he isn't interested. I suppose the ex is still in love with him but the mother making her think she has hope when she really doesn't is just cruel and is prolonging her suffering when she would do better to get over him and find someone else.

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted

@OP - its up to your BF to put his foot down with the MIL and establish some rules about what is acceptable and what is not and you need to move out ASAP.

If he can't this will just be a never ending story and if you marry there will be interference about other things.

4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted

I agree with Joe, its up to your boyfriend to put things straight with his family. His family aren't going to listen to you as they will always think they know whats best for their son. He needs to tell them to stop trying to keep this girl involved, and its not up to them and try and poke there nose in. They need to get real and realize theres a new girl in town and thats you!

However, it does sound pretty annoying and complicated having a family not doing you any favours, I would be a bit tempted to just walk out the door.

You really need to find your own place so you can ban this girl from visiting. Luckily your boyfriend seems to appreciate and support this. If the family still encourage this girl to visit then tell them they are no longer welcome in your home unless they change their ways.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now