A tale of domestic violence.

85 posts in this topic

Posted

As my title says, this is about domestic violence. Sorry, this is a long story but I hope somebody can give me advice on how to proceed. There have been many different incidents but, I'm just going to give you a little bit of background information, and what I'm most concerned about is what I can do in the current situation I'm in right now.

I moved in with my boyfriend a year and a half ago, moved from England to Germany to live with him. Since we've been living together there have been many arguments between us, and things don't just end with the verbal and emotional abuse, it escalates to physical abuse some times as well. He doesn't throw any punches, but he grabs my throat, chokes me and tries to strangle me, pushes me against the wall/on the floor so I'd hit my head or hurt my back. He is very arrogant, egotistical, and is also quite domineering. And I'm opinionated, I don't like being subjugated, dominated and silenced by force so things don't end well. But I think I should be able to speak up and stand up for myself without being attacked for it. He uses threats and intimidation to try and control me. But after each dispute, we would make up and things would blow over and be fine for some time until the next argument. I have also been physically violent towards him, but in self defense, when he attacks me. He has a really bad temper, I feel like I am walking on eggshells being in the flat with him because I don't know what might set him off next. I told him once that he can't keep treating me like this, that if he can't control his anger and tries to hurt me, I will call the police.

Even though we agreed to live together, he is the one paying for the flat so it is his flat but we are cohabiting. He told me that if I call the police, they will arrest me because I am a "guest" in his flat, so I must be the one causing the trouble... Honestly, this sounds absolutely absurd to me but I am not really familiar with German law on this kind of stuff. He said they will take me away because he'll tell them he has kicked me out and I refuse to leave, that I am an intruder. If you wanted someone to move out, I think you'd have to at least give them a months notice so they can find somewhere else to stay and get their things together right? But he just wants to kick me out on the streets when he's angry, and he knows I have nowhere else to go, I don't have any family in Germany, I have friends but no one really close. I feel like that is just part of his abuse. He tells me that he feels remorse for his behaviour, he doesn't want to be that way, but he thinks it's only going to get worse. I will admit at first I was a bit reluctant to go back to the UK because I left everything behind to move to a different country for him, to start a new life together, and most of my family have moved since I've been resident in Germany, so I felt like I didn't have anything or anyone to go back to, and I thought things would change since we make up each time... The usual misconception I guess.

We had a pretty big fight in February, I was going to leave, and I told him I applied for university in the UK and would be starting later this year. He was surprised but said he was happy about it, but that I shouldn't leave straight away, I should leave in august instead, and let's forget about the fight like usual... I agreed because there are still a few things I need to settle in Germany before I move back to the UK. And he seemed relieved about the fact that I would be leaving because he said "the only way he can keep me safe and alive is away from him"... He has threatened to kill me several times. He is literally losing his mind, he was nothing like this before we moved in together. I understand that he didn't really have the best childhood, doesn't have a very good relationship with his parents, says he was raised with anger, and he has a history of drug abuse. But I don't think that's any excuse, he blames his violence on me, on how he was raised, on anything and anyone else but himself. He doesn't want to take responsibility, says I provoke him on purpose. He has a fragile ego and can't really take any sort of criticism without throwing a temper tantrum.

Anyways, the problem now is that, yes, we both agreed I would stay with him till August, but I booked a holiday to England to see some friends at the beginning of April, I was only supposed to stay for two weeks but due to constant arguments between me and my boyfriend whenever we spoke, I'm still here. The night I was supposed to go back, I was talking to him and he started bringing up the fight we had in February, said I went behind his back to make arrangements to return to the UK, so I shouldn't come back until he says it's OK. I'm fine with not going back at all since I have already decided that it is better for my psychological and physical well being that I end this relationship, so I would be more than happy to remain here. But since it is not what we agreed to when I was there, suddenly extending my visit is kind of an inconvenience for the person I am staying with right now. I didn't really make any preparations or accommodation arrangements here either, as I was only meant to be here for just the 2 weeks.

I initially booked a return ticket, but I didn't take the flight due to his sudden rage outbursts and threats telling me not to dare show up. He told me he wants me to stay there longer, so I changed my flight to a later date. I informed him that I will be coming back simply to get my things, he told me not to take the new flight because he made an appointment with a psychologist and would like to get professional help before we talk again. So I asked him what date he'd like me to change the flight to again, he didn't specify, said anytime after his appointment should be fine. So I re-booked the ticket again, and now the date I'm supposed to return is on the 9th (this Thursday). I thought It would be better to ask him if he would be OK with me coming this time around (on Thursday), since he has seen the psychologist like he wanted to now. But he is threatening me not to dare show up again, at "his place" and if I do, he will call the police. He says he is "warning me", and not threatening me and trying to resolve this situation peacefully, because he doesn't know what he might do if I show up. He knows I only want to come and get my things, and I am basically out of money (I'm not working at the moment) to be booking other tickets in the future to go over there and get my things. I also have some debts to pay off over there, debts that I got into because of him. I asked if he would send my things to me instead, he didn't respond to that.

I've left him alone for quite a while now, I haven't tried contacting him (at his request), and also I'm happier when I don't have to speak to him to be honest, because it's just constant verbal abuse whenever I try to talk to him. He is just full of anger and doesn't seem to want to calm down. He keeps saying he just wants to be left alone and that he will contact me. I would be fine with that except... I can't be sitting around waiting for him to contact me, I want to get my things and get on with my life. I want to get a job before I start uni, and I won't have time to be travelling and trying to pack things when I'm working. I feel like I have wasted enough time and money on his behalf, and I don't have anymore to waste on this issue, and I'm constantly letting him threaten and intimidate me. Which I think makes him feel like he can treat me anyhow and get away with it.

As far as I know, an intruder doesn't normally have the house key and have their name on the post box. And I did get registered as a resident there when I moved to Germany using that address, all my letters go there. But he tells me you have the right to kill anyone who tries to trespass into your house/property. That may be true in the US but I don't know about Germany. Sorry if these seem like stupid questions, but I would just like to make sure. I just feel like he is using misinformation to try to scare, manipulate and control my behaviour as usual. I just want to know, if I do go back to get my things (I have the keys so I could just get in anyways), and he calls the police, could I be charged with anything? Obviously it would be nice if he would give me at least a couple of days to pack my things, and arrange for them to be shipped back to the UK, but I could just get them out of the flat as soon as possible and figure out what to do next if need be. But does he really have the right to kick me out at any time it pleases him? And if he calls the police, could I press charges for all the previous assaults? Or are "guests" truly at the mercy of the people they're "visiting" and therefore can be abused anyhow by them? I think I would be glad to have the police there for my own safety, but I'm not very fluent in German and he could tell them anything. I could just do as he says again, waste some more money, sit around waiting for him to get back to me... I don't know what he wants me to wait for. I don't want to be in this relationship anymore, but he says he still considers me his girlfriend. I just want my things, but I feel like he's trying to make me suffer and make things very difficult for me in anyway he can.

Any advice on how to proceed in this situation would be much appreciated.

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Posted

No they are not, I would like to go there with a police escort, but I don't really know how to go about getting one. When I arrive at the air port, do I call the police? Is the situation dire enough for them to even escort me? Since he is claiming he isn't threatening me now, only warning me because he doesn't know what he might do... That sounds threatening to me though. Do I even have the right to call the police and ask them to escort me to his flat?

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Posted

Everyone has the right to call the police. Germans do it for much less than you have endured. Where is the flat? In the larger cities, there will be an English speaker at the police department. What do you have to lose? Make the call. The police will know your rights better than we do.

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Posted

I don't want to go over there and not have anywhere to stay, or have to sleep outside because the police can't do anything, or might even arrest me like he claims they would, if I tried to go back to the flat. I just need some legal advice I guess. I'm not sure If I can try and get in contact with the police in Germany before I go.

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Posted

Why on earth would you want to stay in his flat? :blink: We've read a lot of domestic violence stories on TT, but I must say that yours is about the worst. Why can't you call the German police station tomorrow? I think that most of what he is telling you is BS, but the police can confirm/ deny this. If they won't escort you, can you bring a friend/ family member? Surely your family doesn't want you to go there alone... Best of luck.

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Posted

I would like to because moving from one country to another doesn't happen in one day. :( *Sigh" I want to have time to pack my things, and arrange for it to be shipped. The same way I had time to make similar arrangements when I moved there. Why can I be told I have a home on minute and then the next when he is angry suddenly I am homeless? I can't arrive there, pack all my things on the same day and catch a flight back then as well. I also have other things to settle there as well. I want to close my accounts, pay the debts I'm owing. Etc. Surely you have to give someone a bit of time to arrange for new accommodation and sort things out even if you are kicking them out? :unsure: Or does it not work like that in Germany? Most of my family have left the UK, I have a few others here but they're not very close/hardly know them. I do have a family friend I'm planning on staying with when I return. I can call the German police station tomorrow, but I am in the UK at the moment. It seems kinda odd to be calling the Police in Germany when I'm in the UK. But anyways, I will try and get in contact with somebody, since I have no other choice.

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Posted

Look, folks, it's like the old Jack Benny skit.

Robber with a gun: Your money or your life!

Jack: Silence

Robber, even angrier: I said, Your money or your life!

Jack: I'm thinking.

Well, maybe NadiaSyl is or isn't thinking, but if her story is true and what is in the flat is so important that she'd rather die than lose it, I think she might be able to hire a lawyer to act for her, who could see that her property is removed and stored in a safe place, where it could be packed and then shipped.

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Posted

So all I can do is run and hide, quake in fear from his threats and have him walking all over me again? No justice to be had for any of the abuse I suffered at his hands? Nothing to be done about his continuous spiteful behaviour? He is only behaving this way to try and hurt me in anyway possible, whether it it financially, psychologically, or physically. I just thought it was about time I stood up for myself, since I've let him get away with this sort of thing often enough.

I am not a vengeful person, I have never been out for vengeance throughout any of this, so it isn't about getting back at him. I just think that at some point, you have to show some assertiveness, stand your ground and let someone know that you won't be taking any of their crap any longer. But it seems there's nothing I can do but let him be now huh? Leave it alone and forget about my things...

The man has repeatedly told you he does not want to see you and has threatened in no uncertain terms to kill you...are you in complete denial I hear anger in your voice that he is not behaving fairly (not sending your things, telling you not to come back or letting you stay while you transition your life)...

I'm aware of the fact that he does not want to see me, I'm not in denial about that, and the feeling is mutual. Yes, I am angry that he is behaving unfairly, and he will keep behaving like this no matter what I do. I've already fulfilled several of his demands not to come. Did things he claimed would deescalate the situation with absolutely no luck. I have been patient and understanding with him, since he claims not to want to hurt me, and says he is having a mental breakdown because of his behaviour towards me. But I honestly highly doubt that he actually visited any psychologist. He said I could come back and get my things after his appointment. I contacted him after his appointment, he freaked out even more than the last time. So, yeah, what can I say? I'm just kinda lost at the moment.

Well, maybe NadiaSyl is or isn't thinking, but if her story is true and what is in the flat is so important that she'd rather die than lose it, I think she might be able to hire a lawyer to act for her, who could see that her property is removed and stored in a safe place, where it could be packed and then shipped.

I don't appreciate this comment. This isn't about dying for my stuff, the things I have over there are not more important to me than my life. I want to get on with my life, I don't want to have anything lingering behind in Germany that I have to keep thinking about. That is why I would rather have everything settled as soon as possible. But he is dragging things out unnecessarily, telling me to cancel flight after flight, that he wants to be left alone and will get back to me, God knows when. I don't like the thought of sitting around waiting for him to get back to me. His abuse has had a massive impact on me psychologically, an impact on my self-worth/self esteem. Any mention of his name by friends/famliy or seeing/hearing anything that somehow reminds me of him brings about anxiety attacks in me. I don't want to have to drag this out and keep being reminded of him. I just want to heal.

As for going to the flat to collect your things - start by telling him exactly when you plan to do so, and asking him not to be there at that time.

If only he would be that reasonable and cooperative...

You really are doing the right thing to break ties with this guy - he can only harm you.I am glad that you are going to study in the UK and that you are making plans for the rest of your life. Hopefully you can put all of this behind you pretty soon!

Thank you, that's what I wish for as well, to put this behind me as soon as possible. But it seems there's no way to get the police to make him leave the flat so I can pack my things in peace. Looks like I can only fold my arms and try and let it all go.

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Posted

Definitely connect with the people/organizations who have been suggested, esp. Beuel's like. I suggest that you reach out to places for abused women. They will be most familiar with this kind of situation and available resources, and whether this is a civil case or if he can be changed by the police with theft, making this a criminal case. They can also point you in the direction of attorneys, which is what you really need here.

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Posted

Dear NadiaSyl,If I were you I would contact this organisation (BiG) ne (http://www.big-hotline.de/node/305 ) and ask them for advice before you try to retrieve your possessions. You can call them from the UK. They may be able to find you a room where you can stay until you get this problem sorted out but no matter what you do, please DO NOT go to that flat on your own. It is OK to stand up for yourself but it is always a good idea to do it in a way that guarantees your safety. Last year a man who lived and worked near my German in-laws sent a woman to hospital and he got away with a slap on the wrist because his family got him the best solicitor money can buy.Please do not to underestimate a bloke with a behaviour such as the one you described. He can be very unpredictable and he may try to take advantage of the fact that you come from abroad and do not have a network of people supporting you. Good luck and I wish you success in your new life back in the UK.PS: I forgot to mention that the people from BiG have English-speaking staff and their phone number from the UK is +49-30-611-03-00

Thank you very much Former_Islander! I will get in contact with them as soon as possible. Thank you!

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Posted

But it seems there's no way to get the police to make him leave the flat so I can pack my things in peace

There is. It doesn't matter that it's his apartment. The violent person has to leave and can be denied access up to 10 days.

<h2 class="contentheading"> Wohnungsverweisung und Rückkehrverbot</h2> trans.gifprintButton.png

Wer schlägt muss gehen. Das Opfer bleibt in der Wohnung.

Als Ergänzung zum Gewaltschutzgesetz gilt seit dem 01.01.2002 auch der § 34a Polizeigesetz NRW, um den Schutz und die Hilfe im Falle Häuslicher Gewalt zu verbessern.

Dieser befugt die Polizei, zum Schutz vor Häuslicher Gewalt unmittelbar eine Wohnungsverweisung und ein Rückkehrverbot für bis zu 10 Tage auszusprechen. Dabei gilt in erster Linie der Grundsatz:

Der Täter verlässt die Wohnung. Das Opfer bleibt!

Dieser Zeitraum kann durch zivilrechtlichen Schutz nach dem Gewaltschutzgesetz (GewSchG) verlängert werden.

In dieser Zeit haben Sie die Möglichkeit, sich zu überlegen, wie Sie weiter vorgehen möchten (z.B. ob Sie beim zuständigen Gericht weitere Anträge auf Schutzanordnungen nach dem Gewaltschutzgesetz stellen möchten).

Hinweis: "Wohnungsverweisung und Rückkehrverbot können bei allen Arten von Lebens- und Wohngemeinschaften - ungeachtet von Stand, Verwandtschaftsgrad, sexueller Orientierung oder Eigentumsverhältnissen - angeordnet werden."

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Posted

Beuel, as far as I can see, she has no actual proof that her boyfriend has shown violence towards her. So while the police may escort her, I don't see them forcing the person who has the contract and pays the rent to leave the flat for 10 days - unless he admits upfront to the police that he's potentially violent.

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Posted

Escorting her would help, wouldn't it? And as soon as he gets aggressive in their presence they will take action.

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How can you be sure your stuff is still there anyway? Is it REALLY worth going back with the expense, havoc to your nerves and potential risk involved? Have you left so much of material worth behind? Can you really not bear just to cut your losses?

Choose your battles wisely. And only fight those you are sure you can win. It sounds like you were lucky to get away with your life. Isn't that enough?

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Here's a thread about physical violence you may find interesting. I recommend you read post #166 very carefully.

When it's gets to the point where a relationship is dysfunctional and violent with physical, verbal, and emotional abuse, it's times to move on with your self-dignity and self-respect intact.

You really have to figure out what's your real motivation for wanting to go back there because I'm hard pressed to believe it's just about " your stuff" that's there.

All that stuff can be replaced and so can your boyfriend for that matter. It's time to move on and start over again and hopefully you can eventually have a relationship with someone you can trust and respect you.

Power and Control Wheel

Equality Wheel

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Posted

You really have to figure out what's your real motivation for wanting to go back there because I'm hard pressed to believe it's just about " your stuff" that's there.

It isn't.

These unhealthy relationships usually are maintained by both sides.

The OP may not even realize that her possessions are an excuse to give

the crazy relationship wheel another push - that's why a hard, clean

break is so very important.

Don't. go. back.

(And yes, I have done that myself. Had the best years of my life after doing that :) )

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Posted

Nothing is worth your life...cut your losses and move on, in the end its just things which can be replaced, but can you be replaced? No!!... Don't go back he is not worth it...

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Posted

It isn't.

These unhealthy relationships usually are maintained by both sides.

The OP may not even realize that her possessions are an excuse to give

the crazy relationship wheel another push - that's why a hard, clean

break is so very important.

Don't. go. back.

Yep, I know this is not about her stuff, but I'm hoping she can reflect about what it is about her that allows her to want to go back there for whatever reason after he's physically abused her and threatened her. From what I read of her story, it sounds like it's one of those relationships where "it hurts too much to leave and it hurts too much to stay" . This kind of relationship is usually a circular dance of dangerous pathology and there have been many women who have ended up becoming a statistic. Unless she's willing to break the circular pattern she's caught up in by not going back than her unfortunate and desperate plight will continue.

Perhaps she can seek the support of her family or friends to help out right now.

She has to put her pride aside and come to the stark realization it's time to move on.

The value of the stuff that's there is not worth risking her life to obtain it, at some point she may come to understand this.

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