Relationship/co-parenting with a narcissist

94 posts in this topic

Posted

I have a relative-in-law who is like this. His wife came along when they were older, and they have no shared children. They live in a community situation, him, her, a carer (he has other problems) and other adults who are involved in a shared project, so she is not alone. It functions, I have little first-hand experience of how well, because I am unwilling to involve our children too much in that situation, and thankfully they live way far away. She certainly has other adults with whom to share the burden, and with whom to relate in a more 'normal' way. I hope she has plenty of focus outside of the house and their shared project and their relationship, luckily she already had two children who are grown and have interesting lives. I do not think that she feels in any way threatened or unsafe, and she certainly feels that she is the 'right' person to bring more out of him than is yet to be seen.

Personally I think she is whistling in the wind, and I wouldn't touch him with a barge-pole, but to be fair, and give a possible ray-let of light to you, they seem remarkably fine from a distance.

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Posted

There have been a few people here as well that have mentioned living with/surviving a parent with narcissistic personality disorder. If you're feeling up to it, it might be worth doing a search and reading through some of those posts, too, to get the viewpoint of the child so to speak.

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Posted

I just remembered a conversation that I had with the relationship counsellor...She explained the dynamics of relationships between couples who have themselves been abused and mistreated in childhood. She said that in my situation, as a child, the love that I received was poor and traumatic. I was never important enough for my parents to put me first. As an adult, my perception of love was clouded as I was conditioned to believe that in some way, I didn't deserve anything more than I got. Hence, I tolerated my relationship for so long. Similarly, she explained that children who are abused in any way ( including violence and incest), although they know its wrong, continue the abuse with their own children. She said it was a very good thing that I didn't have a child so she didn't need to help me with that issue. For years after, I was really terrified to ever have a child.

I am blessed to now have a daughter and from the moment I knew I was pregnant, I was determined that history would not repeat itself. It didn't and it won't. My daughter hasn't felt for a nanosecond in her life the way I felt as a kid. She is, and knows that she is my number one. Even the first day I met my husband, I told him exactly how that is and he accepts that wholeheartedly.

It must be so difficult to try to change yourself to cope with your life. You are a warm, kind, loving and caring person. That's who you are and that's what your child needs consistently in his life.

Again, I wish you all the strength you need during this difficult time.

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Posted

Janx Spirit...I'm really happy that things worked out for you and your children.

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Posted

Wow. So many sad, tragic stories out there. :-(

Sad indeed. But at least they are out in the open so other people can learn from them!

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Posted

I am blessed to now have a daughter and from the moment I knew I was pregnant, I was determined that history would not repeat itself. It didn't and it won't. My daughter hasn't felt for a nanosecond in her life the way I felt as a kid.

*ahem*

I love you saying that. Thank you for breaking out of the vicious cycle, not passing

the evil to the next generation.

To be humorous, you have no idea how many karma points that gives you in my book :) !

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Posted

I'm looking for help!

My niece lives in Germany. Her husband is narsacisstic but only in the home where he is mentaly abusive -Gaslighting, & latterly physical, she had mental health issues and her husband told everyone she was schytzophrenic.

She came home to Scotland and felt she couldn't go back, her Mum had witnessed pyhsical abuse.

Her husband raised a Hague convention action and we tried to fight it under article 13b- not to return the children into an intollerable situation. We didn't have enough proof.

Court cases in Germany, put her out the home & gave her husband custody. Family therapists will not accept either the abuse of narissism. Her mum has stayed with her since Nov 2011 only coming back to Scotland for short holidays.

Both boys are still showing signs of psychological distress.

Senior psychological report stated that the older child wanted to know if Pappa would find out what he was saying- he must have been reassured - he then revealed that Pappa had hit them & Mummy. it showed ALL negativity to Pappa and only positive to Mum & she was the primay attachment.

6 yr old boy is self harming.

Pappa was given longterm custody of the boys, the oldes who has asked a teacher what are his human rights, when can he live with his Mum? This child is to have his medication doubled.

Family therapists just say he has learned how to be a good father.

He has threatened not to allow the boys back to Scotland and she has been told she must not phone on the days she doesn't have access. She is terrified of loosing her boys.

She has today asked her husband "will he take her back?" He says he will think about it!

Her Mum is at an end of herself.

How well trained are Family Therapists?

We have witnessed parental allienation and the boys have told us things but they don't want to hear.

Are there any specialist in narcissism and could we ask for a second opinion?

We don't speak German and although her German is good the court language & system has been a minefield and she has been greatly disadvantaged.

he has already tried to have her "taken for sheltered care, monitoring of her medication and help to organise her day" I won't tell you ALL that she has achieved.

Is there anyone in Germany who can help?

Moira

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Posted

I should have said I feel she has not only been abused by her husband but by the family Therapists too as they keep blaming her for "NOt getting on with her husband" he has several times gone into a rage and slammed the table- they turn to her and blame her!!!

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