Unhappy with living situation

115 posts in this topic

Posted

What you are describing is isolation. You haven't said where you live and why you haven't been able to make friends of your own but I'm guessing your kids are still young and I'm also guessing you are living in a quiet area not far from your husband's family.

 

Are your parents-in-law any help at all? Would they look after the children while you go to the doctor and explain how stressed you are. You need help to build up your confidence and self-esteem and you need the poeple around you to take your health and wellbeing more seriously.

 

Could you look in the longer term for somewhere to live in Germany which offers a friendlier environment for you without your husband changing career.

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Posted

Hi Dolphin,

 

I am sorry for what you are going through. I have also been here for almost 6 years in Germany now and fortunately for me things are not going too bad. What made a big difference for me was the acceptance I found in my in-law's family. We get along quite well. I was also strongly recommeded to learn German in the first phase of my stay here, and believe me that has really been a life saver. I stayed in a small town in Mittelfranken and it was hard to find english speaking people. So I made friends with Germans (through playing volleyball in a verein, occasional clubbing, working part time at McD).

 

Where do you live? because that will make a big difference. I understand that because of your husbands job situation, you cannot move. May be it is a possibility to move to a bigger town and he commutes.

How old are your children, if they are going to Kindergarten / School, may be you can look into some upskilling and find some job. While the extra money is nice, do it for the getting out and about part.

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Posted

Hi Dolphinears,

 

I've experienced many of the things you describe and just wanted to say hang in there.

You mention you feel the entire place rejects you and I know it can feel like that, especially when you are being teased.

Don't let a few bad apples spoil everything! There are good and bad folks everywhere and one must know when to bend and when to draw the line...

Like the time a friend of my wife unexpectedly chose to insult me at the Italian restaurant by suddenly declaring that, "die Amerikaner kann gar nicht kochen"

If I had a dime for every dig like that over the years I'd be rich...

 

It really does sound like his friends/family crossed the line with that mail-order-bride and other comments. wherz I'm frum dems fight'n werds!

If your husband is beamtered Lehrer I understand he "could" leave and come back with his position protected for up to 2 years.

If he's unwilling to take your feelings and concerns into consideration...perhaps it is time to for a change?

Sounds like you've made most of the sacrifices...

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Posted

 

a friend of my wife unexpectedly chose to insult me at the Italian restaurant by suddenly declaring that, "die Amerikaner kann gar nicht kochen"

 

Something like that doesn't qualify as an insult in German culture, so I doubt it was meant as an insult. But anyway: maybe the OP's husband could find a job (at least temporarily) at a German International school and ask to be delegated? He would still get his German salary and an overseas allowance on top (at least it used to be like that when I talked about it with a teacher of a German school in South Africa).

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Posted

 

I too often feel a similar isolation and lack of purpose.

 

Yep that's exactly what I get a load of the time here.

 

Two things I'd say right now are beware of the seasonal change from winter to summer and vice versa, and not to drink any alcohol as this can exacerbate the situation.

 

We have a hectic week ahead at the moment as next Sunday is my daughter's Communion. even though I'm not Catholic I respect the faith and am doing all I can to make the house pretty for the guests.

 

It may sound very homespun but right now I am cleaning a floor to make it perfect for Sunday. This will mean less crap from my wife and an easier time!

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Posted

 

Hi Dolphin,

 

I am sorry for what you are going through. I have also been here for almost 6 years in Germany now and fortunately for me things are not going too bad. What made a big difference for me was the acceptance I found in my in-law's family. We get along quite well. I was also strongly recommeded to learn German in the first phase of my stay here, and believe me that has really been a life saver. I stayed in a small town in Mittelfranken and it was hard to find english speaking people. So I made friends with Germans (through playing volleyball in a verein, occasional clubbing, working part time at McD).

 

Where do you live? because that will make a big difference. I understand that because of your husbands job situation, you cannot move. May be it is a possibility to move to a bigger town and he commutes.

How old are your children, if they are going to Kindergarten / School, may be you can look into some upskilling and find some job. While the extra money is nice, do it for the getting out and about part.

 

I think this is very good advise to move somewhere else within the state if possible. I saw a big difference in how people acted just 6km away from the place I first lived here in German.

 

 

Hi Dolphinears,

 

I've experienced many of the things you describe and just wanted to say hang in there.

You mention you feel the entire place rejects you and I know it can feel like that, especially when you are being teased.

Don't let a few bad apples spoil everything! There are good and bad folks everywhere and one must know when to bend and when to draw the line...

Like the time a friend of my wife unexpectedly chose to insult me at the Italian restaurant by suddenly declaring that, "die Amerikaner kann gar nicht kochen"

If I had a dime for every dig like that over the years I'd be rich...

 

It really does sound like his friends/family crossed the line with that mail-order-bride and other comments. wherz I'm frum dems fight'n werds!

If your husband is beamtered Lehrer I understand he "could" leave and come back with his position protected for up to 2 years.

If he's unwilling to take your feelings and concerns into consideration...perhaps it is time to for a change?

Sounds like you've made most of the sacrifices...

 

I think the problem for Germans that have not been to the US, the only reference points of American cuisine is fast food and ready-made food so they just assume, just like a lot of Americans think all German food is Bratwurst and Sauerkraut. If either of these was your reference point, you probably think neither Americans or Germans can cook. :D I like cooking and most people that I have cooked for seem to think that I am good cook (even the MIL rarely objects other than something being too spicy and/or having too much cholesterol, which is a rare point!) so I won't let those with uninformed stereotypes get me down.

 

As for the money that Dolphin mentioned, it is a really big deal for a lot of Germans to have financial security, even more so than most Americans. A lot of Americans think things will work out in the end and most Germans are more conservative about their money and don't have this faith in what happens in the long run so for your husband, this is probably not an argument you can get around.

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Posted

 

According to him: If he leaves to the US we will be in a bad financial situation and he says that I will still be depressed (resulting in him being depressed) and I'll be a burned out mom working 40 hours a week. That I will spend all my earnings on child care, a probably OK insurance and to pay back my ridiculous college loans, etc.

 

So he acknowledges that you are depressed, but it currently does not make him depressed ... it would only do that if you moved to the US? Or is he saying that he's already depressed because you are depressed? And why should everything you earn in the US go on child care... what about his earnings?

 

 

...Sorry that my friends and family were nasty towards you, not everybody is like that. ...

I suppose ideally he would indicate to his friends and family that he was sorry they were nasty towards you.

 

If the 'friends' with the smart remarks about Latin America are ever in your home, perhaps you could get in plenty of tabasco sauce in advance and serve them up some 'ethnic' cuisine! ('Friends' can be strange: I was attending a friend's wedding once and, on the bus hired for guests, overheard a couple of her churchy friends, whom I didn't know, pointing out her parents' house as we passed by and saying "look: the low ceilings must have stunted her growth ... hahahahah". She's small, you see. But it didn't exactly seem the kind of comment you'd expect from friends.)

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Posted

Individual counseling would help you to discover just what your problems are and which ones can be solved.

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Posted

 

Sounds like you need marital counseling, as lines of communication are not open, you do not feel that your partner is hearing you and taking your experiences, feelings, and needs to heart.

You should also consider individual counseling, though as others have said a good first step would be to go to your regular physician to talk about this.

 

Good luck!

 

I agree 100%. I was in a similar situation, especially in the communication department. I pushed for counseling for years, but the GerMan resisted. Crisis ensued, and couples counseling came after my threat of divorce [we both also go by ourselves, to different counselors]. I hope your situation won't go that far.

 

My husband says Germans 'don't do counseling', because they see it as a failure. He now thinks quite the opposite. Our marriage had deteriorated into a complete failure before getting outside help.

Find a way to make him go! e.g. Promise not to bring up moving to the USA for X months. ;)

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Posted

 

I agree 100%. I was in a similar situation, especially the communication department. I pushed for counseling for years, but the GerMan resisted. Crisis ensued, and counseling came after my threat of divorce. I hope your situation won't go that far.

 

My husband says Germans 'don't do counseling', because they see it as a failure. He now thinks quite the opposite. Our marriage deteriorated into a complete failure before getting help!

 

And if he doesn't want to go to counseling than go yourself and get a different perspective. I have a friend whose husband told her he wasn't going to counseling. She said to him "So that must mean you don't want to married than". He ended up going, there was too much at stake.

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