Lonely and need advice on socializing

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Posted

If you tell us where you live... folk may be able to give more specific help!

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Posted

I live in Konstanz, which is quite a small town. I am not bored, I am just sad (edit: lonely and miserable is more like it. like oil in a glass of water) :D But thanks, I will review the threads and try to make use of other people's experiences.

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Posted

Hello, I am new here even though i am not new in Germany.

I decided to join this forum, because for the longest time I was blocking the idea of living permannently in Germany, and was thinking of this as a temporary phase. However, there is nothing more permanent than a temporary phase.

I would like your advice on how to integrate better in German society, obviously I am doing something wrong. I would really like to meet more people and actually develop close friendships, however I find it very difficult to do so. I have only had very close friendships with other foreigners, and especially with people from my own country. I would really also like to meet guys or at least go on a date. I am pretty sad, because this is just not me. I used to be a very extroverted person, with many many friends full of life. My problem is that even though I have been here for quite some time I still do not speak German, and I think that I must do everything in my power to learn it in the next 8-9 months.

But what else could I do in order to improve my social situation? I have not had a boyfriend in an year, have no close friends, only acquaintances... I find very few people who would actually open up to me and have a conversation beyond some very superficial, banal topics. I have no one to go out with on the weekends (except for people that want to sleep with me, which is very tiring and a lonely place to be).

i would be very thankful for any suggestions. I am 28 years old, I would say I am quite outgoing,not shy at all. However my life is mostly - work, home work home work home.

I can understand you don´t want to have superficial, banal conversations..but what does that mean? It´s pretty normal to start off like that in a public place eg bar, library, supermarket etc. But what kind of conversations would you be interested in? In another words, what are your intellectual interests? What kind of people would you ENJOY meeting and getting to know?

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Posted

jodesa thank you for the suggestions. I would not mind organizing :)

Beuel, I already checked out , and will join an integration /language course ASAP, it was a big mistake that I did not start with learning the language - I used to be surrounded only by foreigners and did not need German at all, I lived in a small but beautiful ghetto of very close friends and a boyfriend. But that all changed.

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Posted

increase your social circle friendships may follow.

how about this FB group https://www.facebook.com/groups/5056187630/?fref=ts

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Posted

can understand you don´t want to have superficial, banal conversations..but what does that mean? It´s pretty normal to start off like that in a public place eg bar, library, supermarket etc. But what kind of conversations would you be interested in? In another words, what are your intellectual interests? What kind of people would you ENJOY meeting and getting to know?

I dont go to any bars :( or to libraries. The people that I meet are either my colleagues, with whom I talk about the weather. Or I have had some nice conversations with complete strangers, whom I never meet again. Basically it is not that i meet stupid people and wish to discuss my love for Kundera with them, but that I dont know how to get closer friends, or simply meet more people on a regular basis, with whom to get beyond the point of very very very superficial relationship. I have noone to go out with and I miss that.

I have very broad intelectual interests, I also have a lot of non-intelectual interests - like sports :) I was thinking of joining a hiking club, but cannot locate anything of the sort...

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Posted

I can understand you don´t want to have superficial, banal conversations..but what does that mean? It´s pretty normal to start off like that in a public place eg bar, library, supermarket etc.

John, I think that most of us can agree that Germans generally don't do chit-chat very well. I finally gave up after everyone looked at me as if I were mental. The only people who responded to me favorably in my village had lived abroad. I learned that small village mentality in Germany [in terms of friendliness] is quite different than it is where I live. So I can totally understand the OP's situation. It gets depressing. I wore the T-shirt.

I agree with jodessa that she ought to join clubs where she can meet people with similar interests. That might speed up the chit-chat from banal to mildly interesting. Let's not give Germans too much credit. ;)

edit @ SP: Oh, behave!

edit2 for viiv: My brother met his wife on a Sierra Club hike. Keep looking for a hiking club. :)

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Posted

a hiking group in Konstanz http://www.schwarzwaldvereinkonstanz.de/text/887/de/wandern.html

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Posted

Yes, mlovett..generally it can be difficult here to do small talk ( except with the people I wouldn´t want to do small talk with..and there are enough of us wandering the streets! :) ) but it depends, of course.

I was just about to suggest vivi replies to Spider´s suggestion ..then I saw your edit/warning! Caveat emptor!! :D

Edit: sorry, vivi..inside joke here on Toytown about certain beloved members...don´t take me seriously!

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Posted

I guess you'll meet people in a language course, and if your German is better, you could join any other course you are interested in. The language problem might be one of the main reasons. For most Germans even a superficial conversation in English is exhausting. And since potential friends are not going to ring your door bell, you might want to change your "not going out alone" habits.

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Posted

Fitting in anywhere new is hard and it really requires you, as the one that wants to make friends, to be the one to make most effort.

The obvious thing is to crack on with learning German - if you can't speak the local language then it's not surprising you're finding it hard to integrate. In the meantime do you have friends that speak your language that you can meet up with and make plans with?

Are you happy where you live? Would you be happier somewhere larger? Somewhere smaller? What keeps you where you are?

Join a few things to get to know new people. They're not going to fall at your feet and be BFF from day one but you will get to recognise faces, say hello and start building connections. Gymn/charity work/walking club/church - those sorts of places are all good for making new contacts.

Good luck!

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Posted

However my life is mostly - work, home work home work home.

welcome to Germany :rolleyes:

well, they are helpful and frienly people, but reserved.

if you speak german, try this: www.lokalisten.de

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Posted

I agree about couchsurfing. There are forums for each city, and most cities have frequent meetups. I've found them to be a good mix of travelers and locals, so you'll meet a diverse group of people. You don't actually have to surf or host, you can just sign up, make a profile, and look around for activities to join.

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Posted

Thank you everyone for the wonderful suggestions! I will really try to join some clubs of interests, and will follow up on the internet sites for meeting. since this seems to be the most natural way of meeting kindred spirits. I have lived abroad - in the USA and in Russia, so i have experience with living abroad, but in this case maybe because i am older i have harder time to socialize.

(btw how do I quote a message in my post?? I would like to respond to each person separately)

Yes exactly, i have a problem not with the general chit chat but with cordial friendships.

As for the suggestions for sex of Spider Pig, it is not so much fun as it sounds. I feel even lonelier and more disconnected from people and from myself, and this just seems animalistic - offering companionship in return for sex. and are very practically oriented, without any compliments or romantic gestures. I know it is in my head and I am probably sending out the wrong messages due to not knowing the culture or attracting the wrong people, or something, because I can see Germans in nice devoted relationships.

I currently cannot move anywhere, due to my work, but in the future might consider it...maybe to a bigger city.

thank you once again for the suggestions, will try to incorporate all of your advice.

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Posted

As for the suggestions for sex of Spider Pig, it is not so much fun as it sounds. I feel even lonelier and more disconnected from people and from myself, and this just seems animalistic - offering companionship in return for sex. and are very practically oriented, without any compliments or romantic gestures.

Wha...??? :unsure:

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Posted

oh, ok.

Why don't you try a TT get-together for English speakers at somewhere like The Shamrock in Bahnhofplatz? Break the ice.

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Posted

yeah thats a perfect idea! Since at least I know where it is :D Is it a regular thing? And sorry, but what is TT

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Posted

TT is an abbreviation for Toytown, vivi.

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Posted

I felt like I had to respond to this because a dear friend I've known for years recently confided in me. They would never come out with me for drinks in groups with others, and even then it was a struggle to stay in touch with them socially on a 1-2-1 basis. I was annoyed with them about why they always cancelled meet ups last minute, and so when I confronted them one day it finally all came out...

They have something called Social Anxiety Disorder and have had it since a kid and it affects almost all parts of their life - bizarrely even socializing with family and the few (if any) close friends they have is difficult for them. They only recently found out themselves it has a name when they plucked up the courage to get therapy and medications for depression. I really wished they had opened up to me sooner, but was supportive and started sending them links to English language internet forums since they have to get the therapy in German. Although the below links are aimed at those with clinical Social Anxiety, since some of the topics cross over into loneliness and tips for social skills, I thought they may be helpful.

http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/

http://www.social-anxiety.org.uk/

http://www.social-anxiety-community.org/db/

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