Wife wants a separation to figure out her feelings

188 posts in this topic

Posted

Basically my wife wants a (trial?) separation. I do not want to get into much detail about my situation, but she told me that our in house separation is not working out like she thought. She told me that in order for our marriage to move forward or to find out her true feelings towards me, I need to find a new apartment or return to the states for a month or two or how long it takes. The hard thing is we have young children together.

 

I do not want to leave them, but my wife is forcing me to leave. My name is not on the lease and did not want it on the lease. I just do not know what to do. I do not want to leave my children for so long, but I will need to find a new place. Probably a 1 room furnished apartment. I also have the ability to return to the states for this time. My wife said her family will help pay for a ticket to get home to my family. I know with the holidays coming I really do not want to be alone in an apartment without friends or family here. Since I have to go through this crap I rather go through with it with my family for support, especially emotionally. I am not sure if I can stay here and get through the holidays with my mind in-tacked.

 

I just do not understand why I am the one who has to leave, she is the unhappy one. Now because she is unhappy my kids and I are the ones who will be hurting. I am the one who brushes there teeth, puts them to bed, read them there goodnight stories. It pisses me off.

 

Should I stay and be emotionally and physically drained, without a job (possibly in Jan. teaching English at Berlitz) or go back. I could get a job pretty easy back home and that would keep me somewhat busy and I would be able to talk to my parents about my problems. I just do not know what to do anymore.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted

Sorry about your situation. Is she willing to go to counseling? I've been in her shoes, and it has turned things around for us, especially if you have no one to talk to about such personal issues.

 

What exactly is your question? Only you can decide if you want to stay put or go back to the States. That said, once you go that far away, it probably makes it easier for her to cut ties with you, especially if there is another man involved.

 

Maybe she will have a change of heart once she has to take care of the kids/ domestic chores? Or will she get Oma to do it? :rolleyes:

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted

Do you suspect someone else is slipping her the length? (I think Spiderpig is my alter ego).

-8

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted

Dont know, my mother asked me the same question. I talked to her about it and she said that she is not cheating. She does have male co-workers and that has always bothered me a little, because her and her friends talk about certain people that they work with. She said that if she was then she would just tell me she wants a divorce and be done with everything.

 

Forgot to mention that I have talked to my mother and she talked to her parents about everything. Her parent actually feels sorry for what she is putting me through. She wants to know everything my mom says about her, has it in her head that my mom is always talking bad about her. So guess what, I went to the grocery store one night and forgot my phone. She went through it and read my whatsapp messages that my mom and I were sending to each other about this whole affair. Got pissed at me for talking to my mother. I guess she missed the long message saying that my mom hopes everything works out for us and that she loves her.

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted

I don't know if its passive agressive traps she is setting for you. I think you are in a precarious situatiion. I think the main thing you need to do is talk to someone. Then from there find a direction to go.

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted

As soon as I started talking about counseling I looked some up. I found a couple that speak German and English, but she still refuses to go.

 

I got more than a little mad at her when she went through my phone. She offered hers up for me to go through it, but I declined. If she would have asked to seen what I had written instead of going behind my back I would have let her. I am not sure about the separations into divorce ratio, but I believe that counseling should come first.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted

She is German, and I would say stubborn to say the least. I do admit that there were problems on my end as well and I am partly to blame just like she is partly to blame. I got real lazy looking for a while and I didnt like it. Thats why I am trying my ass off to try everything before she jumps straight to a separation.

 

I just dont know if I should go home for a few weeks and talk to my parents and try to sort everything out or stay here with nobody and try to work out my problems on my own. I know if I stay I will probably pay 300 euro a month for a furnished apartment plus child support and that only leaves me with about 500 euro to live on and to pay my cell phone bill.

 

If I go home, I will have more money because I will stay rent free, except food and working and sending 4 or 5 hundred euro back to help with the kids.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted

 

As soon as I started talking about counseling I looked some up. I found a couple that speak German and English, but she still refuses to go.

 

I repeat, go by yourself. If she sees you are "working on yourself", she might come around to the idea. You need to talk, and talking to her is probably like a brick wall. I did that for years. :( Sucks to walk on eggshells around someone. Talking to a therapist is great, much better than to strangers on the internet.

 

I have discovered that I played a role in our problems... you need to be open to looking at your own role in this, though I know it might be hard right now. edit: I see that you have. :)

 

You might want to order this book: Taking Space: How to Use Separation to Explore the Future of Your Relationship. The book is positive... it doesn't advocate that separation is a prelude to a divorce.

4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted

Just because someone doesnt want councilling it doesnt mean they have given up. From my opin she seems very frustrated. I dont know what I would do in your situation outside of taking counsilling yourself. Still I also know that since it was a marriage I would want to make the best decision for me and any kids I am may have with her. Just make every decision with a as much balance as possible. Good luck.

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted

Wasn't there a post similar to this a couple of months ago? The guy stayed at home, the wife earned a lot, her family had money... Rob100's post is good and I greened it as it makes a lot of sense, but I wonder whether whether it isn't redundant in this case.

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted

It's over, she already knows how she feels and she's trying to make you as miserable as she is about the relationship. Sit down together and put things in writing: Separation of property, children's care and visiting arrangement, financial support.

 

 

Do you suspect someone else is slipping her the length? (I think Spiderpig is my alter ego).

 

There is not always another guy when a woman wants out of a relationship. Sometimes things just don't work out anymore with the guy she's with, and the last thing she wants is another complication.

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted

It doesn't look good at all, especially if she already wants you out. There's been a fair amount of similar stuff going on with other couples recently on Toytown and most of it hasn't ended so well. Some guys stay and some go. It depends on things like if you can make it here, where you will be happy, if it will tear you in two to be away from your children, if you want to make a new life for yourself and if she will make your life very difficult for you here if you stay.

 

I would get the lawyer and talk things through, document what is happening, you could even try the counselling, sounds like it's a little late for it though and she is clear in her mind already, but it can't hurt. Then as your situation doesn't sound good I would give it some time and space, I would go back to the USA to your support network, earn some money and Skype with the kids, giving her the space she wants and yourself some time to deal with this, write her some nice letters saying you have missed her, then I would come back in April with money saved and see how it looks like and see the kids, who I would have been missing like hell in the meantime. Maybe she will have missed you in the meantime.

 

I hope things work out for you.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted

I would suggest getting counselling now even if it is on your own - for the sheer practical issue that many families have a shitty Christmas and want a fresh start (and divorce) in the New Year, so it is a nightmare getting an appointment in January unless you're already a client. :ph34r:

 

Leeza is right - leaving the home can have a direct impact on access and custody.

 

It can also be worth going to see your local Jugendamt, as they may have advisors who can help, here's the contact details for Munich, as I don't know where r.j197 lives.

Good luck!

3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now